Progress

It's been a long month and a half since I've written on here. I haven't done nearly as many things with my summer as I had wanted to, and fall semester is fast approaching.

Good news though: I HAVE A JOB!

After it was suggested by a couple friends, and after a long-term opportunity offered itself, I finally checked out a popular company for substitute teaching. Because my friend requested that I sub for her during a long absence, I got hired without much trouble. I'll start soon, and I've already met one of the classes I'll be teaching. Thankfully, I've been able to meet the principal and my future co-workers several times, and I can be in fairly constant communication with the friend I'll be covering. There will be just a few days of overlap with my current job, and no scheduling problems between them.

I keep switching between wild excitement and paralyzing anticipation. The training from my friend and interacting with the class today have been reassuring. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, but I am so, SO excited to be working in an environment where I can make a difference in the world. I haven't even taught yet, and my head is already buzzing with questions and ideas about what I can learn and how I can continue to be involved. That's pretty exciting.

I feel a little less overwhelmed compared to earlier this week. I'm still not entirely sure what to expect, but I feel good about moving this direction in my life and career. We'll have to see where it goes!

Spiritual Boot Camp

I want to strengthen my testimony of and relationship with Jesus Christ, and know of His love for me.

I will try to accomplish this by doing the following:

- Read from the Book of Mormon every day
- Go to the temple as frequently as is reasonable
- Read a talk or two from General Conference each week
- Try to read from Tad R. Callister's book "The Infinite Atonement"
- Spend about a half hour or more each day on these readings

Today hasn't been very successful thus far, but at least I'm getting my goals down in writing. Hopefully I'll choose to act on them throughout the week and make this a high priority.

News and New Beginnings!

- I don't remember if I wrote about this before, but I was asked to attend my stake's girls' camp this past week as an activities specialist. I have a habit of accepting church callings and assignments without questioning it (well, maybe doubting my capability, but not the calling itself), but I realized a couple times while I was there that it was kind of a big sacrifice to go to camp. That didn't change my willingness to serve, but was more of a curious "Oh, I hadn't thought about that" moment. I was in a much better position to go than many of the people left their jobs and families behind for a week.

- I found out that I passed my last class, and am now a college graduate! The diploma should come in a couple weeks.

- I was asked to be the second counselor in my ward's Young Women presidency the day after I returned from camp. It was SUPER funny to me, because only my bishop knew about both my stake assignment to go to girls' camp and my pending calling to the YW presidency. The woman who recommended me for the position had no idea that I was involved with girls' camp until she showed up and saw me there, so we were talking to each other for the whole week, and she knew what was already in the works to come on Sunday.

What do I do now?

- Girls' Camp didn't have the same degree of impact on my spirituality as it did when I was a teenager. That motivated me to try a spiritual boot camp of sorts. I want to start that today and get myself back into shape.

- I found out that I can keep my student job through the end of the summer. That gives me a little more time to earn money while I look for a more permanent job. Some thoughts have been working in a restaurant, a craft store, or substitute teaching. I don't know how having a degree will affect the job search yet--I'm not sure what I'm qualified for now, I'm not sure what's available, and I still don't know what I want to do long-term.

- Now I can finally take the time I've waited for to do craft and homemaking stuff. Before starting this blog post today, I made a chart to help with meal planning. Now that I'm done with school, I can quit stressing about it and turn my attention to making changes in my life. I can figure out things like meal planning, couponing, and cleaning schedules to be a better contributor in our home, and I can explore my passions and learn what I want to learn, at my own pace, to become a better contributor in the world.

Taking personal inventory will be a big step, at the beginning and throughout the process, to figure out where I'm at and where I want to go. Expect more blog posts as I work on that!

Back to Finals Week

I haven't written on here in a long time. Probably because in the last month I was avoiding doing everything I've been trying to cram in the last few days. It's really been something. Definitely my best end-of-semester recovery so far, but also the term/semester when I have the most at stake. I'd really rather not delay my graduation again, so I'm working hard and praying for mercy.

As it stands, I now have one 2-page memo to write, one 3- or 4-page research paper to write, and one 80-question multiple-choice final to take in the next 18 hours (which is also supposed to include a couple hours of meetings for work and church, and hopefully some time for sleep). I already knew it was getting down to the wire, but I was impressed when my husband suggested that I pull an all-nighter to write these papers. His support, frequent prayers, and gross amounts of snack food have been getting me through the week so far.

I've been eating Twizzlers, powdered donuts, mango sherbet, hot dogs, poppyseed muffins, asparagus, apple juice, a little bit of brownies and other candy, and lots of water at a sickening pace for the last few days. My thought was that if I'm nibbling on something most of the time, I'll (a) have a fairly constant energy source and (b) have fewer excuses to get up and distract myself. I think that spacing out the protein and drinking lots of water has helped a lot so that the sugar doesn't actually make me sick.

This week is certainly putting my husband in the running for "Most Supportive Spouse of the Year." He's been a dear and insisted that I work while he does all the cooking and cleaning and running extra errands to buy me more Twizzlers and donuts (minimizing my excuses/distractions). He's been particularly encouraging because he's a loving husband like that, but he also doesn't want us to pay for another semester of school for one class that I was too lazy to pass. I've just sort of ignored it/trusted that it'll work out, which only leads to limited success.

I'm trying to do what I have to do to stay awake and not wander too far from my homework. I fall short a lot, but I can just try to keep moving forward. Hopefully I'll have good news to share once grades are in.

Sinking Again?

My husband and I went on a wonderful, almost week-long trip for a friend's wedding, and relished the opportunity to play tourist for a few days, meet new friends, and celebrate our friend's wedding. We were pretty prepared for most things while we were there, but I was definitely not prepared to come back to school.

Everything probably would have been fine if I had taken care of school stuff before we left. I didn't compensate for the time we would be gone, and just got further behind. This is how departure day went:
- Get up early to write the big assignments for class.
- Panic because I don't have enough time and don't feel confident in what I'm doing.
- Alternate between fretting anxiously and trying to make progress.
- Skip class to pack and study for the huge midterm that I have to take before leaving.
- Continue praying even harder for things to work out.
- Try to clean the house (including the fridge) so we can leave it for a week.
- Go to take the big midterm (and get a 97%!).
- Immediately pick up my husband from campus.
- Drive a couple hours north to visit with my sister for a couple hours while she opens her mission call.
- Drive the car to Grandma's house.
- Ride to the airport with Grandma.
- Catch a couple red-eye flights and try to get a couple hours of sleep on the plane.
- Arrive the following morning and sight-see for the day until we can collapse and sleep later that night.

It was a really long day.

Fast forward to this morning: I intend to do the reading and possibly writing assignments for today, but realize that I don't have the instructions for these writing assignments (since I missed class). I procrastinate doing anything until too late anyway; normally, I would skip class to work on it (which rarely works), but since I missed the last class I really need to show up today.

Things go fine at first, then it's time to swap papers for peer reviews. I join in and let the people behind me know that I don't have a paper to pass back. I manage to pass it off lightly, and don't get embarrassed yet; I just evaluate the papers that cross my desk like everyone else's. On the fourth or fifth rotation, someone calls out, "I don't have a paper to review" (because of the gap that I left). The professor tries to sort out the confusion, and I have to raise my hand and explain that I didn't bring a paper. My professor takes the paper I was about to review and passes it to the girl who brought her homework to class, and I'm left with flushed cheeks, downcast eyes, and little to do for the rest of class except beat myself up inside.

Before class today, I knew I was getting behind. My plan to fix it was to keep up on current assignments and work with the TA to cover the assignments I missed. Now I'm afraid of falling into the same trap I encounter every semester--a terrible feedback cycle of getting increasingly behind, feeling increasingly worse about myself, and becoming paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Even when I have a good start to the semester, like with this class, it always seems to end the same way. Maybe I should request an appointment with this professor to discuss my situation and hope that it goes better than the last time I tried that. I'm afraid of history repeating itself, and I just don't know how to move forward.

Week 2 of the Final Semester

A couple posts ago, I wrote how time management will probably be my biggest struggle this semester, as I just have one class that meets twice a week and one scheduled shift at work each week. So far, that prediction has been true.

I've been trying to do better this week! On Wednesday I realized, "I had all day yesterday to get homework done, but didn't... Why don't I just get started on homework right after it's assigned, so I'm not panicking at the last minute? I'm already in school-mode then, so why don't I take advantage of it?" I know, I know: wiser people have been recommending that for years. Since I'm just taking one class, and that class meets in the morning, I don't have the usual excuse of being too tired at the end of the day, when I normally want time to unwind. So after class on Wednesday morning, I got started. I spent Thursday morning on homework, then spent the afternoon reading and then dating my husband (bike ride, making dinner, watching a fun movie). It's still been a pretty chill schedule, but I'm only two weeks in--I'll get better at maximizing my productivity with practice. I've also volunteered to sub for people at work beyond my assigned shift, bringing me up to two shifts each week. I love the flexibility of having one assigned shift, and being able to work whenever I want on top of that.

I have a massive to-do list that should last me through the end of this semester (in June). After graduation, I'm still not sure what I want to do. As I explained to someone who asked, my major isn't the passion I want to pursue professionally, but that's all that the program prepared me to do. I don't know what my dream job is yet, but I need to prepare for it by getting good at the things I love. I might take a couple classes at my alma mater, but I think I'll have to pursue my own education, for the most part. I want to become a stronger writer, increase my familiarity with foreign languages, become a better DIY-er, become a strict boss over my own time (my husband is amazing at that), become an outgoing people-person, etc. It's still a month away, so I'll muse more about it later. Time to get back to homework.

Movie Watchlist

Movies that I want to watch with my husband sometime, as either a first for him or a first for both of us.

BBC's North and South
Any Jane Austen adaptations by BBC
Swades: We the People
The King and I
Lincoln
Kal Ho Naa Ho
Mother India

I'll add more as I think of them, but I realized that I'd forgotten half of these when I was reminded of one earlier.

Breathe... and Dive

Finals for winter semester came and went, as did the time between the last semester and this new one that started yesterday. I had (somewhat of) a breather, and now it's time to dive back into classes.

Final exams were a mixed success this semester, although it's hard to know what the final grades will be for some of the classes. The grades I got back were either expected or disappointing - no pleasant surprises this time (that I remember...). Things got pretty busy right after finals though; there were errands to run, and family visiting to keep my husband and I happily busy. We got to spend a couple days with both our parents, and other family and friends that came to celebrate graduation. It was downright blissful, in retrospect; it feels like there's never too much time spent with family. One of my old roommates got married on Saturday, and it was wonderful to attend the ceremony in the temple (my first time inside the Salt Lake City temple!) and spend some time with good friends. I love taking pictures, especially at social gatherings, and I feel like it's a gift I can offer the people attending. Even though they had a professional photographer who got beautiful shots, those photographs probably won't be available for a few weeks, so I felt pretty special when I posted my pictures on facebook and many people who couldn't attend the wedding were able to see most of the wedding day and offer their congratulations to the couple. I was also able to check out some outlet malls before school started again, and I scored some awesome deals, and found out that my pants have been baggy because I've been buying them a size too big (go figure). Brand new jeans in a classy dark wash that actually fit and look sturdy for $15 a pair? Yes, please!

So now the new semester, with my last class before actually graduating, has started. I opted out of taking a for-fun dance class for more scheduling flexibility, so it's just the business writing class. Today was the first day we met as a class. I like how clear the syllabus is, and I think if I read it every day, it'll help me stay organized. It's obvious that there will be homework and studying every day, but it also seems manageable. There's basically a grammar section, preparing memos and briefs, and a little practice with oral presentations. The writing assignments are small because we're focusing on writing concisely. 

One of the big challenges I'll have this term is using my time well. I anticipate it going like my doughnut struggle: when they were always around and fairly available (thank you, breakfast shift in the cafeteria and forgetting to pack lunch), I ate them way too often, probably about 6 a week. As time went on though, I knew it wasn't a healthy habit and I alternated a couple times between doughnut fasts and binges. After a week-long fast followed by an emotional binge, I realized that I just didn't enjoy the binge anymore, so I stopped. The temptation passed, and I probably haven't had one since. I found a balance that I was happy and functional with: I can eat doughnuts occasionally without the temptation to consume them uncontrollably. With time management, I envision it going like this: with the increase in unscheduled time, I'll binge on time-wasting activities for a while and get sick of it. After a few times of going back and forth, I'll find a happy, healthy balance of work and play. If it works, I'll feel an increased motivation to do the right thing when I'm dissatisfied with the unhealthy alternative, and self-motivation had been my worst academic struggle. 

Responsibility is calling now, so more blogging later when I've made some progress!

Finals Week

Finals week started yesterday, and 2 of my four finals were scheduled for yesterday. I definitely wouldn't have taken them on the first day of finals if I had the choice, so it's probably a good thing. It's nice to have them - both of my audiology classes - out of the way.

The only grade I have back so far is the lab portion of audiology 1, and I got an 85% on that. I'm not sure how I messed up the things I did, because it's just a matter of following procedure, but whatever. It's a lot better than last semester.

The two finals I have left are speech (which I can take in the testing center anytime) and family history (a take-home final due Tuesday afternoon). I'd like to get the speech final out of the way before tackling family history, so I'm working on studying for that one now.

Family history is, surprisingly, the class I'm finishing the worst in. If I were to do the class again, I would visit the TA for office hours every week to keep me on track with my research and assignments. I got way distracted pursuing a couple research questions, and then I got busy with other classes and dropped the ball completely on getting anything done for this class. I really do think that the class would be better (for me, at least) with one hour of lecture and one lab hour per week instead of just the single lecture hour, as it is now. Then we could have a little more hands-on research guidance with the professor and TA in our individual families that we research. My family was at all the wrong places at all the wrong times to avoid documentation, it seems. I hope that the final itself - a case study - won't be too difficult, but I haven't started any work on it yet.

I'm kind of stressed when I think about graduation plans for this coming week. People have a lot of different opinions about what they would prefer to participate in, and everybody's willing to do whatever we decide on, so making decisions and plans has been hard. For now, I'm avoiding making any decisions until I finish with finals. That will probably have to change though. Some of the family will get in town tomorrow, and the rest on Wednesday night. So much planning and so many things to do in the next couple weeks. I just hope I can keep up with it.

Also, I'm trying to get back in the habit of daily scripture study. I'm starting with reading Isaiah because I like those writings, and also because in the Book of Mormon, Christ and prophets hold Isaiah in high regard for his prophecies and understanding of Christ. I need to get to know Christ again, so this seems like a good place to get started. It's been mixed so far: I'm left with ambivalent feelings of both peace and "I need to repent." I'll just keep chugging along and try to do better. Being optimistic and having faith that Christ can and wants to take care of me is hard sometimes. I feel flawed and broken and like I'm imprisoned by my flaws for the rest of eternity, but God is the spirit of hope, not fear. That's why I need to reacquaint myself with Jesus Christ, because He wants me to be happy, and He will show me how it can be done.

Week 15

Good school news this week!

I met with the TA for the audiology class that I'm behind in. It was SO helpful! I really just needed someone to walk through the labs with me, make sure I'm doing it right, and fill in the gaps where I've forgotten things. She wasn't judgmental, she was patient, and she was good at explaining things. After meeting with her I was able to submit one lab right away, finish a second lab that day or the next, and I've got a third lab I'm working on and feel confident finishing. I don't know how much credit I'll get for them because all three of those are late, but I'll get everything turned in! Much better than last semester.

Family history is still dismal. I'm very behind and haven't made much progress since meeting with the TA for this class (mostly because I've been focusing on audiology). I don't know if I'll get everything turned in by the end of the semester (at least it's a one-credit class). Thankfully I've already done some of the research and just need to format it for the assignments, but some of the new research is really confusing--I either can't find records, or the ones I can find are ambiguous and can't definitively say "this is my guy." It's been a little frustrating throughout the semester.

The second audiology class is going fine. All that's left is the final in a week, so it might be good to start studying for that. Me + studying early = doesn't usually happen, but it's worth a try if I can pull it off.

Speech has been good, I think. I haven't missed any assignments since the beginning of the semester. I didn't do as well on the last midterm as I wanted, so I especially want to do well on the final. This final is unscheduled, but optimally, it would be great if I could study for it early and take it in about a week. It's kinda nice to want to do well at the end of the semester, not just avoid failing (which is where I usually, frantically, end up).

I also signed up for my writing class this summer: I'll be taking "Communication in Organizational Settings." It's from a professor that a couple of my friends have had before, and sounds like it's practical and not as writing-heavy (I love writing, but not deadlines or research). I'd like to meet the professor before the semester starts, get to know each other, and prepare myself for the semester (like getting the syllabus early so I can schedule time for homework). That will also give me a better idea of how much time I'll need to devote to the writing class so I can add shifts at work or other classes that I'd like to take before graduating.

I was feeling really trapped by school earlier this week, but getting help from the TA's (particularly for audiology) has made a positive difference. I've still got work to do before the end of the semester, but I feel less intimidated by it. It's really liberating, and I feel more like I'm choosing to do it, and like I can enjoy it more. Less pressure is better. I'm hoping that this time around, my end-of-the-semester experience is much happier, less stressful, and more successful than it has been before. My husband reminded me of the saying, "Success breeds success," and I can see that having some degree of success in school gives me more confidence, which enables more future successes. Having some success feels really good.

Inspiration

This past weekend was a fabulous one. We went up to visit one of my grandmas-in-law on Saturday to watch LDS General Conference with her. It was fun to spend time with family, and it was especially fun because I got to learn a bit about sewing!

I've enjoyed sewing since I was pretty young, but haven't known how to use a machine very well. Sewing by hand takes forever, so that also limited the size of my projects. I also didn't use patterns much and would just make things up.

Grandma really likes quilting, so I learned a basic "stack and slash" quilt that I think she learned back in school. Purple is definitely one of my favorite colors (of the 12 fabrics I used, 4 were purple, about 4 were blue, 3 were yellow or orange, and one was pink). The quilt blocks in the picture aren't ordered in any particular way.

My cousin is having a baby shower later this month, so I bought a pack of onesies and plan to dress them up as my gift. Grandma and one of the aunts helped me put the skirt on this one. I've got a couple ideas for other cute ones; I'm so excited to see what I can do and how they turn out.

The great fun with sewing this weekend reminded me how much I enjoy this brand of creative work and inspired me to think about how I can progress in this area. Quilting is cool, but I like the functionality and versatility of working with clothes (or at least, how I envision working on clothes, considering my limited experience with either). No reason I can't do both, but now I need to figure out how and where I can learn more about sewing.


Listening to the messages during General Conference was really good too. There were a couple talks that I really identified with and appreciated. They touched my heart in a way that gave me peace and hope, and I do hope that it continues. We had my brother and a friend come over for a big, loud dinner last night with lots of Asian food and dirty dishes that got cleaned up at an impressive pace, which was a lot of fun.

The weekend is past and now it's Monday, and the flashes of inspiration have started to dull already. It's back to the grind with school, and I'm still afraid and feel inadequate when I think about all there is to do. I just hope that I can hold onto hope and begin to exercise a little faith that it'll all be ok.

Week 14 - So Close!

I'm getting worn out thinking about the semester. School is so time-consuming! If I were spending as much time on schoolwork as I should be, I wouldn't have time for much else. And now that it's nearing the end of the semester, I'm increasingly aware of how much work there is. Combined with the rest of life's obligations, it's really easy to feel overwhelmed.

I've got a lot of labs I need to catch up on for my audiology class. That's frustrating because I'm not sure how to do some of the tasks required for them, the TA isn't available when I need her help, and I felt pretty stupid when I asked the professor about some of these basic things I've forgotten. Hopefully the TA will be able to help me next week...

My other scholastic stressor is my family history class. I got way behind in those assignments, and while I have some of the research already done, some of it wasn't good enough yet, and the volume of work for this class is also intimidating.

Dangit. I made such good progress at the beginning of the semester, and held out longer than usual. At this point in the semester, I'm still doing better than I've done in previous semesters. But every time, every semester, it's never enough! The semester ends in less than 2 weeks, and I'm behind in the work and afraid again! I'm never good enough to finish a semester strong. Every semester feels like another failure.

Looking ahead, I'm asking my peers about suggestions for my writing class that I need to take. I've gotten a lot of feedback, so I started asking for advice with specific classes. I would like to meet with my old English teacher and solicit her advice as well. If I can, I might try to talk to the actual teachers for the spring classes to learn more about their class and teaching style. Unfortunately, the class that's being so highly praised has a waitlist, and I don't know if I'll be able to get into it. So I'm trying to learn more about the various options and hopefully be prepared. This would probably be something really good to pray about.

I've got other responsibilities and things going on in life besides school, and it's hard to keep track of everything sometimes. I'm afraid that I might have to put everything else on hold for the next two weeks while I try to keep my school act together. I'm just glad that I have an amazingly supportive husband and that God sends little tender mercies that make a difference in my week.

Week 13... and Family

Dropping that writing class has been one of the most liberating feelings ever. Seriously. My daily stress levels have plummeted and I feel so much more capable of succeeding this semester. It's an amazing feeling.

The only two problems with it are these: I still have to take a writing class, and now I have more unscheduled time to manage. To resolve the first problem, I really want to meet with the different teachers and figure out which class option will be the best for me. 

I think I'm actually making progress in managing my time. Surprise! I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting better. Part of it is that I was bored and dissatisfied when I wasn't being productive and was just wasting time. Part of it may have also been the reduction in stress after dropping the writing class; when I felt like I could actually do it, the work became a lot less scary and intimidating. Part of it may also be that the internet at our apartment broke this week. Luckily I guess, most of my homework can be done offline while a lot of my distractions can't. 

Audiology 1 - Playing catch up because I've gotten behind on several labs.

Audiology 2 - Still going great. Class is often boring unless we have a guest lecturer, but I learn some really cool things and I've been doing fine on the tests.

Family history - I'm way behind. I need to figure out how to fix that.

Speech - I think that this is one of the most humble and student-centered professors in the program. I think I'm keeping up ok in it. I should check that.

We also haven't been doing as many dinners with other people in the last couple weeks, so we're trying to get back in the swing of that. (Really, so rewarding and so much fun)

I just read part of my aunt's journal that she shared online today from 6 years ago when my grandpa's liver was failing. I don't think I realized at the time how severe the situation was because it happened so fast: after being diagnosed, he was put at the top of the organ donor list and the doctors said they could "hold him" for 7-10 days. I feel terrible now because I don't remember being affected by it as profoundly as my aunt was. I hate this feeling - this lack of a deep connection to my extended family. I hate the sense of lost time and lost relationships. My grandpa is pretty healthy now, but my other grandpa died a couple years ago after the combined forces of age, a stroke, and Alzheimer's, and I knew the latter grandpa even more poorly. And now that I finally live in the same state as both my grandparents, I still rarely see them. I hate, hate, hate it. I'm jealous of my cousins who grew up down the street from my grandparents. I'm envious of people whose cousins are some of their best friends. I'm jealous of people who have a fun, easy time at family gatherings and don't wonder to themselves at the relationship they're expected to have with people who are mostly strangers. It's not always that bad, but it's something that's hurt inside of me for years and has only gotten worse. My husband and I decided before we were even married that we wanted to live where we could be close to family for the kids' sake. I guess this is maybe another learning opportunity for me to see how important it is to have close relationships with family. That's one of my goals for becoming a better person, I guess.

Becoming Cultured Through Film

I realized just the other day that watching movies is a good way for me to become more cultured while I'm still in school. Books suck way more of my time and emotions than movies do, and while I'm taking classes, that time and those emotions are needed elsewhere.

Only mildly intentionally, my husband and I have been broadening our horizons through movies. I've already seen most of the movies at least once (even if it was many years ago), but it's a great experience for both of us as we discuss our impressions and things we learn.

We've watched some classics like Casablanca, Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, South Pacific, and a little bit of The King and I. Some Miyazaki movies that we've watched together are Howl's Moving Castle and Laputa: Castle in the Sky, and we want to see more. We've had some really good conversations about Jane Austen movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility; I don't remember if we've seen Pride and Prejudice together. Of course, we've also watched our share of Disney/Pixar movies in the last year, including Brave, Tangled, How to Train Your Dragon, Wall-E, and others.

I really learn a lot when I talk about things with my husband. This applies to everything, but especially to shared experiences like movies that we watch together. My husband is an active consumer of media, and I think that's one of his strengths; he evaluates everything he comes in contact with instead of passively accepting it. He makes everything meaningful, and I love sharing ideas with him. We both come out smarter for it.

I think this is a pattern that we'll follow for years. We have lots more movies that we want to watch together (including other genres like BBC films and Bollywood movies) and learn from. I'm not sure if I want to create a projected list for this because it changes with our priorities and film availability, but it's certainly something that I want to continue.

Week 11 1/2

Well, it's been an interesting and rather stressful week.

I withdrew from my writing class and will fulfill that requirement during spring term when I can be more prepared. That means my graduation is pushed back to June instead of April. Because June graduates fall between the April and August ceremonies, they can pick which they attend, so I can still do all the graduation celebrations with my husband next month. It's not desirable, but I feel good moving forward with this plan. I feel much better getting out of that class than I felt getting into it; I chose this semester's writing class because I was scared and rushed, and I didn't do much research about it; I didn't know what I was getting into. So hopefully next term will be a better experience and I'll learn more from the class.

I also had a stressful conversation with one of my professors that left me crying in the bathroom for about 20-40 minutes afterwards. We've since clarified things over email, but that wasn't fun. I knew that he was probably offended at me over something, and I wanted to compromise, and he wasn't interested in compromise at first. I wasn't planning on doing this, but at the end of our conversation I disclosed to a professor, for the first time, some of my frustrations with our program. He encouraged me to not give up yet. Not quite the same as my experience with the guest lecturer, where she encouraged me to continue beyond my undergraduate degree, but this professor encouraged me to finish up my degree and not drop out. I didn't think I had conveyed that I was considering dropping out, but I've definitely considered it in the past. Yes, school is still hard, but I'm so close to finishing that I've got to tough it out. I guess I cried because I was tired of failing, tired of disappointing people, and tired of being bored in classes for years. Maybe a few others things as well, but those stand out in my memory.

Now, after withdrawing from my writing class, I've got a bit more time to devote to my other classes. I want to use the extra time to meet with the TA's for my audiology and family history classes and get caught up, making sure that I understand the material and complete the homework. I also want to do some research to find a writing class for spring that will fit me well and that I'll be prepared for. That's where I need to spend most of my time for the rest of the semester. I just hope things go well.

Weeks 9-10

I so want to be done with school. Like, this week. Or better, yesterday.

It feels like my motivation for school is disappearing like the definite, vanishing swirl of water down a drain, and there's no way to call it back. Time is moving faster than I can keep up with, then it's gone.

My biggest academic worry is my writing class. We're in the middle of a research project, theoretically with a rough draft done, and I have hardly anything done and little direction to take any writing. I'm simultaneously terrified, apathetic, and resentful: I can't conjure any excitement for any topic which has sufficient research to draw on, and I don't like it. I wish I could ignore it and make it go away like past homework assignments, but it's too big for that to work. My teacher probably hates me now for missing the last couple classes (I knew we would be editing each other's papers and I don't have one) and for dragging my feet. I don't know what to do about it because on top of all the pre-writing and writing steps, we're also doing oral presentations on our work... And that can be a lot harder to make up out of nothing. I forced myself to get some get writing done yesterday, but I don't know where or how to move on from there.

I'm also ticked at the teacher for one of my audiology classes. He was more gracious in his condemnation this time (last time he was annoyed at a student, he called them out by name in front of the whole class to shame them), but he criticized me (not by name, or by physically pointed fingers, and perhaps not exclusively) at the end of class for my immorality in browsing the internet during lecture and said to not come to class if I'm bored. Fact is, I am bored in class and have fallen asleep almost every time I don't have my computer to keep me awake, and what I can get out of class, distracted and awake, is more than what I would get if I were to fall asleep or stay at home. I've tried taking notes, but when he says the same thing four different times, I only need to write it once, and it's not enough to keep my brain or fingers busy, so I fall asleep. I also don't have the option of graduating without his class. I think my position is defensible, but it demonstrates to me that he doesn't care about all his students and only wants the conveniently good ones to succeed. So I got angry after class today.

I'm not doing so well in my family history class either. We meet once a week on Mondays, and homework for the week is due by midnight that evening. I forget about the homework assignments really easily, so I've gotten pretty behind. I should be able to catch up, but I'm not sure how. Maybe I could meet with my teacher during office hours to get some research guidance and formatting help, but then I might be wasting her time. I like this professor, but that's perhaps a problem with many of my professors generally: their office time or research time is too precious to be wasted on someone like me. Someone who is a lazy bum and doesn't know how to try hard enough and will never amount to anything significant in their gaze.

My other audiology class is going well enough. 3 tests down with a 94% overall, and 2 tests left. If only all my classes were like that. My speech class is also surviving, though less handily. We have a midterm this week. The hardest part outside of tests is remembering deadlines; we pretty much finish the homework in class, so I need to make sure I wrap it up and submit it the same evening, before I forget how to complete it.

I guess that's most of my life right now. Work is going well, and my worries about a post-graduation job are eclipsed by my worries about passing those 3 classes. These worries have been paralyzing, and I often sit around doing nothing because 1) the things I know I ought to do are too scary and 2) I shouldn't do things that aren't my homework right now... I probably read 6 books in the last two weeks, and they were fun reads, but, obviously, not my homework. At least they weren't email, facebook, pinterest, blogger, youtube, etc.

On the upside, we've been able to spend some time with family and friends lately. I don't know what I'd do without those social bonding opportunities (oh wait, it might be like last semester...); I feel like I can still be a useful, helpful, real, full and meaningful person when I can interact with other people. Also, I won something! That's a pretty rare thing. It's a couple free tickets to a fancy 3-course dinner with live jazz music and dancing. Free dinner is always cool, but free, fancy, dinner with awesome music--that's something to look forward to. Time to play dress-up.

Another Good Song

I think I've linked up to other Youtube videos on this blog (maybe, maybe not), and here's another one that's really meaningful to me right now.

Jason Gray - Remind Me Who I Am

I've heard it several times on the radio before and enjoyed it (the chorus is great for singing along to), but when I heard it in the last couple weeks, I had to think about the words I was singing along with. How could you listen to this song while having self-esteem issues and not feel pricked by its message? Especially while watching the accompanying video. This song is a good help in the healing process and realizing how God thinks of me even when I make mistakes. 

Why I Feel Like a Superhero

This blog post fits my other blog better, so I'm just linking up to it. Yesterday I felt useful, needed, part of a team, and like God can still use me as I am, and this is that story. God loves my friend, and He loves me too.

Making Happy blog: Why I Feel Like a Superhero Tonight

Book Review: Book of a Thousand Days

This was my second time reading this book by Shannon Hale. I don't remember how old I was when I first read it, but after this go-through, I've decided that I would love to have it in my library for my children to read in the future.

**SORT OF SPOILERS AHEAD**

How I explained the plot to my husband (more or less):

This is a story, in journal form, of a lady's maid, and because the princess/lady refused to marry the man her father wanted her to, both princess and maid are to be locked up in a tower for seven years. The maid keeps a journal of their time together. The princess doesn't really know how to do anything but sit around. Eventually they escape the tower and go to the princess's-secret-fiance's city and become employed as kitchen scrubbers. The princess is afraid of practically everyone, so she orders the maid to pretend to be the princess when the maid reveals their existence. Though punishment with death is almost certain, the maid does her duty and finally reveals herself to the prince as the princess. When the bad guy (the man that the king wanted the princess to marry) is threatening outside the city gates, the maid takes it upon herself to rescue everybody by exposing the bad guy as an evil skinwalker/werewolf. The "rescue" goes well, but when the princess commands her to marry the prince while pretending to be her, the maid cannot do it and when she tries to escape the city, she is discovered as an impostor and her fate is decided by a council. There is a happy ending.

Now I'll just ramble about why I really like this book.

One fault that I see in many contemporary books and movies is that the plot moves too quickly to be a realistic chronology. The last time I read Jane Austen, the chronology was more realistic, but also quite boring. I think this book achieves a healthy balance by acknowledging the passage of time (the girls spend almost 3 years in the tower) without overloading on the details of every day in that period. Thus, the characters have time to grow and make meaningful changes, and not every day has to be filled with momentous, fast-paced, life-changing events.

Another common fault of popular media is that many things are hypersexualized, which isn't realistic or healthy, and that's important when the target audience is rather young. This book isn't, that I noticed. The maid has large birthmarks that cover almost half her face and one of her hands, but she hardly ever talks about it. She's a girl, but she doesn't think just of love and beauty, and that's refreshing in a novel; the character is brave and feels real. I would probably let a ten year-old read this book without worrying that it would lead her to an unhealthy focus on her own appearance. Most of the characters aren't as well-rounded as the narrator, but the prince's role in the story functions as more than a masculine Prince-Charming placeholder. It's also to the authors credit that where nudity is mentioned twice, there are no visual details; that makes me comfortable in letting my brothers or future sons read the book.

Going with the two previous ideas, I really like how the characters aren't static stereotypes. They change! The most dramatic example for me is the princess. For most of the book, she's a wilted, selfish, weepy mess that doesn't really do anything. She's afraid and feels worthless, and doesn't really become friends with the maid for a long while. She tells the maid that as the third child in her royal family, her only purpose in life is to be married off. Her father locked her up in a tower, and everyone she thought cared about her has abandoned her. She's been told that she's pretty and dumb, and admits to attempting suicide. The major changes in her begin when she's given a cat to love who loves her back and when she learns a skill. By the end of the book, she's still shy, but when given the option to have maids and free time again, she prefers to continue her work in the kitchen where she feels artful and useful.

I also appreciate how there isn't much magic in this book. I say this mostly because I immersed myself in books about magic when I was younger, and while I still enjoy them, I just think that it's more empowering to readers when the characters find strength in themselves to overcome their trials. The story takes place in a fictional ancient Mongolia.

This book also deals with class issues. The local culture within the book is that the gentry are the offspring of the gods and the commoners were formed from mud to serve the gentry. The maid goes through (over time!) lots of personal growth where she learns that gentry are real people, in both positive and negative senses, and that all life can be noble and fallible. Even wicked people can be pitied for how they threw their lives away.

I think that covers most of what I liked in this book. Even as a twenty-something year-old, I feel like this book was worth my time (and more. it was a quick read) for both the entertainment and the lessons learned. I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants a fairly light, entertaining, and uplifting story.

Bad Morning and Week 8

Some days you just want to hate life. This morning was one of those times. I was frustrated because I was doing everything I could for my lab assessment, but the program was being quirky and I knew that my professor would take points off no matter how hard I tried. I panicked a little because I realized that not only did I have an exam today, I also have to meet with my English teacher for a paper conference, and I am most likely unprepared. I was panicked and frustrated because I was running out of time to both study and shower before my test, and I felt gross and angry on the inside and outside. I also got annoyed because as always, no one cares about paying education, English, history, psychology, etc majors for doing well the work they love like they are begging to pay computer and math geeks to do what they love; so unfair. I was frustrated because my professor who would be grading me on said exam seems like a heartless professional much of the time, and I remembered that none of my professors care about me. I also got up at 4:45am to work on the lab assessment before the written exam at 8am, and have only had a banana, a caramel candy, and water to eat/drink thus far today. I'm feeling personally inadequate and overly critical. I couldn't decide if I wanted to hide under a rock for the day or be an offended, angry grouch for the rest of ever and just sugar binge, so here I am, post-exam and pre-conference, still tired and hungry and grouchy, blogging about how hard life is sometimes.

I just caught up reading through my facebook newsfeed and feel surprisingly less angsty. Maybe I just needed to be distracted by other people's lives? The problems are still there, but they don't feel so angry and ominous now. I better keep myself distracted.

So, my husband pointed out that we're over halfway through the semester now and have just 6 weeks of classes left. Crazy!

Audiology 1 - Just had the first midterm today. I've been skipping this class quite a bit lately because 1) I've been sick a couple times, 2) it's my first class in the morning, and 3) I'm retaking this class and have already learned a lot of the stuff he's teaching. I do need to be better though. I felt surprisingly ok with the written part of today's exam (I already shared the lab portion's frustration: grades are already up for that and I got a 70%). I haven't done so hot on the last couple labs, so I probably need to start visiting the TA's like last semester, and start the labs more than 12 hours before they're due. It's still better than last semester, I guess, when I hardly turned anything in. Progress?

Audiology 2 - Class has been pretty easy since this one is just lecture and exams. We've had a couple guest lecturers lately that have really intrigued me, so that's been cool. I emailed the most recent one, actually, and have gotten 3 emails from her already and 3 additional people to contact! Who knows, I might be able to get a career out of this class.

Family history - I was kinda behind in researching, then I spent 6 hours in one day this week going through films of original and compiled records... And I still can't find any sources acknowledging or identifying the date or cause of death for my great-great grandpa! I probably need to be focusing on researching other records for class assignments, but that one still boggles me.

Speech - So far, mostly good... I think. I feel like I'm missing an assignment somewhere. But fortunately, I've stayed caught up with and gotten good grades on everything else. I've got a reading quiz coming up that I need to remember to do when I have the book.

English - I'm more or less keeping up... This class doesn't collect the homework very frequently, so it's hard to see my overall progress. We started our research unit a couple weeks ago, and I'm meeting with my teacher in a couple hours to go over what I've got so far. Hopefully I can produce something to show her by then. Both my friend and I have had a hard time finding any compelling research topics in our field, so hopefully it'll turn out ok.

So there's my academic life for now. It feels pretty dismal sometimes (usually right before a procrastinated deadline), but it'll be over with soon and I'll at least have a degree in something. I still don't know if having a degree will do me any good, but I can hope that it's better than nothing. Ugh. Time for another distraction.

Career Possibility?

We had another guest lecturer in one of my classes today. While I didn't have any tender interactions with this lecturer, her presentation did make me think a bit.

This woman makes home visits to hearing-impaired children in early intervention programs and helps habilitate them to aural communication. She works with newborn - three year-old children with hearing losses. She said to become certified, you need a bachelor's degree in elementary, early childhood, or special education, go to a 26-credit-hour program at a university, and complete part 2 of accreditation while working full-time.

I still don't know much about it, but it sounds like something that makes a contribution, something fairly low-key, and something that I could be prepared to do. So now, I'll probably check out the government's website for the program and check out the state schools for the deaf and blind and their programs. I hope it's something that I both like and can do!

My Jean Valjean Moment

This is taken from my other blog, where I originally posted it earlier today.
...........................

We had a guest lecturer in one of my classes today: an adjunct professor who mostly teaches and researches in a neighboring state. When she first came in, an older woman with a cord for her glasses and carefully puffed and curled hair, I didn't think I would be terribly interested in her lecture, but I was really wrong. However, the best surprise came at the end.

I can't do this woman's research justice, so I'll try to just avoid describing it. Someone's already yelled at me on facebook because I tried to sum up this professor's research into a single status update. But the developmental theories and applications behind her work were fascinating to me. It was a problem I hadn't considered before, and I admired her clinical work in teaching Theory of Mind and representative play to deaf and hearing-impaired children. My husband called me while the class was packing up, and as I shared my excitement with him, he encouraged me to talk to the professor and network with her about her specialty.

We chatted briefly about if there were any local researchers in her area of expertise, and she asked a little about where I was in the program. I told her that I'm graduating from my undergrad this semester, and that I don't know if I'm interested in continuing to a master's degree. She asked why, and I just said it was kind of hard in this particular program with so much of it being lecture-based (massive simplification of months of frustration). This was my "Valjean moment," which I identified as such in retrospect. She was extremely sympathetic (not in a I-pity-you way) and suggested that I try to get a job as a speech tech or assistant. She shared a story about one of her students who was in a similar boat: she didn't want to go on in the field because she didn't have very good grades. However, this professor asked her to work as an assistant in some research at the time, and when the student got hands-on experience, she just bloomed and loved her work, and then continued on to do well in a graduate program. She, the professor, encouraged me to give it a try, and if I'm interested in the field, to not give up.

I was floored as I thought about it. I was encouraged by her genuine care and interest in me--a student who she only met for five minutes, who she knew nothing about. My professors probably couldn't care less if I don't go to grad school, and might even prefer if I don't! But this woman reached out to me from her heart, not from her profession, and encouraged me to keep trying and not give up. I don't know why she wants me to keep going. But her simple faith in me and the easy practicality of her advice to work as an assistant make me want to keep going and give it another shot. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around what just happened in my heart. She gave me hope, and I don't even know her name. I think I'll try to see if there's a place for me in speech pathology, or in children's language development. So thank you, professor-who-I'll-probably-never-see-again. Thank you.

[The Jean Valjean connection I felt is when the priest gives Valjean the benefit of doubt and through his kindness, offers him a new chance at life, and Valjean is touched by the simplicity of the priest's love and trust.]

Week 7

Audiology 1: Our first midterm and another lab are coming up next week. We had a quiz and a lab due this past week. I missed a couple days of class because I was sick. Overall grade thus far: 94.45%

Audiology 2: We had our second of five exams last week, and I got a 92% on it. It looks like we have another one next week (it seems like we have one every two weeks). We had a guest lecturer today whose research was super interesting to me. Overall grade thus far: 96%.

Family History: I've gotten way behind in research. We had a couple assignments due last week, and the TA told me that my research log was set up really well (I just need to make sure I don't forget to fill in the citations). I think we have an assignment or two due on Monday, so I should work on that this weekend. Current grade thus far: umm, something looks very wrong. I just emailed the professor.

Speech: We had our first midterm last week, and after a couple adjustments were made to grades, I got a 93% on it. I haven't missed anything so far, except for maybe one lab (it's tough to tell). Current grade thus far: 93.36%.

Writing: This class has been going better. I've gotten a little better at arriving on time. We got our first project grades back, and I got 50% credit; this is the project that I joined the class halfway through and didn't finish. The professor doesn't collect our work very often, and hasn't put any grades online at all. Current grade thus far: no idea.

Also, because of the ideas discussed in the last post, I've started yet another blog... It's probably won't become active until after graduation, but it's for coordinating my creative efforts: planning and showcasing various projects so that friends can see what I do and commission their own projects for me to work on.

Future Things

Hubby and I were talking about my post-graduation plans yesterday. Apparently he's been thinking about it a lot but hadn't said anything. These are a couple things that he noted as being important:

- Something that will keep me busy, productive, and contributing to the world.
- Something that will get me out of the house and interacting with people.

He added that he never wants to say that I must get a job, partly because we'll be ok financially if I don't get a job right away, but that for me, I should find something that satisfies the two requirements he identified. My husband knows me well. Even before we were dating, I knew that it was emotionally dangerous for me to be too isolated, and that when I didn't have structure, or ways to contribute to "society," that was also bad. So I agree that those are important considerations for what I end up doing.

One idea that I tossed around yesterday was--at least temporarily--taking time to work on crafting and creative endeavors. I can be a little more ambitious than I currently have skills for, but it's something that's kept my interest since I was a child. (I think I tried sewing my own dress when I was eight years old... It was a red cotton print with little pink strawberries all over, but all I knew was a basic running stitch, which didn't hold it together very well, and I accidentally made a cut in the middle of the dress, so I never got to wear it anywhere.) I'm mostly thinking about sewing, but I could try other things as well.

I was inspired yesterday by two things: the first comment left on this blog, and browsing through clothing retail websites. Lauren suggested a medley of things that were related to the hobbies and interests I had listed, and they sounded fun; I was specifically intrigued by the painting idea and considering the Etsy shop. The clothing websites I looked at reminded me that 1) it's hard sometimes to find cute clothes that fit and are modest and 2) I think I can do a lot of those fix-ups, or even making them from scratch.

So one idea is to build up my repertoire of crafting skills by doing these fix-ups and crafts for friends, either doing it for free or charging for materials only. I still want to take a sewing class and a few others, but it's a talent that I can start working on as soon as I have more time. I see it as being something useful for other people too.

Life and Fairness

I was just daydreaming/brainstorming/musing this past week. I thought about how, if my husband and I were to somehow lose everything we own, especially wrongfully, there are avenues for help in rectifying the unfairness that we didn't deserve. But most of mankind has probably lived without such avenues for retribution. If a family living on a homestead 200 years ago in the middle of nowhere had their house burn down through an accident, there's no one to magically pay them for the inconvenience and help them get back on their feet. They had to somehow learn to deal with it and move forward with what they had instead of feeling cheating and paralyzed by the injustice.

Today, I feel fairly comfortable with the fact that there is often an "appeals" process somewhere if I'm wronged. I can appeal to the "higher ups" and likely see some form of justification made and fairness restored. But is that really what life is like, or what life is about? What lessons did my ancestors learn that I might be missing out on? How did they emotionally deal with the unfairness in life, and how did it shape their characters and personalities? Did it help them to be more patient, more forgiving, or to rely on God?

This isn't to minimize our contemporary struggles. I believe that while some challenges are harder than others, every single person you run into has problems that are hard for them. It makes me angry when I see people belittling the challenges that other people go through (example: When I say that I miss my fiance while he's gone for two weeks, don't you dare tell me that I have it easy, and that I should try going my first year of married life only seeing him on weekends, because your life is obviously so much harder than mine. Your suffering doesn't make mine any less). The circumstances we're in and challenges we face are different because everybody is a different person. I'm curious about the effects of this difference--politicized and cultured fairness over time--right now.

Holidays and Week 6

So, week 6 actually went by pretty well! Grades aren't posted from Friday's midterm yet; I wasn't as confident on this one, but I took twice as much study time (a full hour), so we'll see... I think I did a pretty good job preparing for Saturday's midterm and got an 84% on it. I should be proud of this: I managed to start a couple days before the test and finish watching every single online lecture of the semester (all of which I had neglected so far). It's not a spectacular grade, but I had heard from my classmates that it was a hard test, so hopefully the teacher will be curving everyone's grades up. I felt good about most of the questions, but there were some I wasn't sure about. I'm doing a little better at keeping up in English - I can see that it's a class I need to work harder at, but that it's doable. I also got to class early a couple times and discovered that I'm not the only person who often comes to class late. Saturday was spent at one bridal shower, studying for and taking a midterm, and shopping for another bridal shower.

I'm becoming terrible at keeping up with holidays, birthdays, etc. I've already posted my reflections on invitations to things like weddings, showers, and parties, and how I want to improve my response to those invitations (still deciding how to respond to people I'm not super-close friends with who appear to have invited all of their facebook friends to these events, because I can't tell if I'm actually wanted). I used to really try to be thoughtful and give out good wishes for all my facebook-friends' birthdays, engagements, and other good news, but then it got overwhelming and now I feel like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon with well-wishing. I do think well of people, and it's nice to be reminded of them when facebook tells me about their latest good news, but it feels cliche and less genuine to say what everyone else is saying, especially when they weren't on my mind before facebook told me. The same thing has been slowly generalized to holidays over the years. Even if I do hope that someone has a good Christmas day, I also hope that they have a good pre- and post-Christmas day; it seems trite and superficial to call, text, or otherwise broadcast to my friends that I hope that one particular day is good while not wishing the same of the other days. It feels that way even if it's my sister's or best friend's birthday... And being so far away, I feel like I can't do anything to contribute to her day either; I can't make a difference in her day to make it better, only offer the same words as everyone else. Being shy also makes it easy to just not say anything and keep my good wishes for others in my heart, between me and God. I should probably change these feelings, but I'm not sure what the right answer is.

I do kinda like what my husband and I did for Valentine's Day. I tried to do a "14 days of Valentines" for him with mixed success; I didn't do something each day, but the fact that I was trying was really good for him. And it spread out the extra love throughout the month instead of, "Oh, it's 14 February - let's act like we love each other more than usual." I helped my brother make valentines earlier in the week and had fun trying to make a couple "Valentine" outfits (trickier done than said - I don't usually wear pink or red). On the illustrious V-Day itself, my hubby and I made stir fry for dinner, made some red velvet cookies, and snuggled up for a movie (I know my husband loves me because: he watched Jane Austen's Emma with me without complaining). It was a nice day to relax and take some extra time doing fun things together. We try to do date nights every week or so already, so this was a slightly extended and pre-planned version of the usual.

Week 5 - belated, Week 6 - in advance

Looks like I forgot to do a recap of last week.

I probably haven't been getting enough sleep because I've slept in both yesterday and today and can hardly remember a thing. Late night homework mostly.

Since I don't remember much of last week, I'll just cover where I'm at now. I have a LOT of work to get done this week. Two midterms, projects, quizzes, multiple things due in each class. So far I've turned in three assignments in the last 14 hours, and I have a quiz due by tomorrow morning. The Speech class that I haven't been watching the presentations for has a midterm this weekend, so that will be a party. I also have some paperwork to fill out for a study, dinner to make for another family, bridal shower gifts to pick out, helping my brother with a project, and hopefully my own "spiritual time" to fit in each day, all of which needs to fit in somewhere. Oh yeah, and it's Valentine's Day this week, and I missed talking to my sister on her birthday.

Good things: a couple of my friends got engaged last week, I've been successfully wooing my husband for Valentine's Day (though I haven't been as diligent as I hoped), we had a tasty dinner on Sunday, it's been fun spending more time with my brother, I've been able to talk to one of my besties online more frequently, ibuprofen is a miracle medicine...

So maybe it hasn't been too terrible of a week behind me, and hopefully it won't be too bad looking ahead. I guess we'll see.

Empathy

I just realized to a small extent one way that my ankle business has been a blessing.

I don't remember if I've covered on here the history of my ankle problem. Almost 2 years ago, I was in a dance class and hurt my ankle pretty badly. I went to the on-campus athletic trainer for dancers, got diagnosed with a grade 3 lateral sprain, and saw the trainer for treatment for several months. My ankle was still painful a year later, so I finally listened to my mom and saw a doctor. A couple different scans revealed that I had broken my ankle the year before, and that the joint would need to be fused in a few years unless I had surgery. Today I'm about 10 months post-surgery. The doctor expects me to make a full recovery by my year mark.

My ankle was unusually sore for the last couple days, so I was reflecting on that this morning. As I thought about it, I realized that just in the last week I've been able to have greater empathy with at least two people in somewhat-similar situations. Last week, my brother sprained his ankle to a lesser degree, but I understood his pain much better than if his sprain occurred three years ago, before my accident. I met a woman in a couple of my classes who is recovering from brain surgery, and I was able to empathize with the long recovery process and not wanting to wait before jumping back into normal life. There have been other people over the past two years as well: I feel instant empathy with anyone in a foot brace or cast, and sometimes I'll ask about their injury story and how they're doing. Having had similar experiences myself makes their situation more interesting to me, and I'm more motivated than before to express that interest and be supportive and understanding.

My husband and I listened to a TEDtalk once that proposed that witnessing suffering breeds empathy; the speaker asserted that neurologically, the brain is identical whether observing or experiencing an act. I've mused over that lately and how it could apply to my life. I haven't thought about it enough yet, but it's a start and makes me curious.

Scared of School

Have you ever been scared of classwork or a teacher? It sure sounds silly, huh?

I told my old roommate that I would see her in class tomorrow after missing the last two classes. I figured, "How bad could it be? I'll just go." Then I got home and read an email from that teacher, and I'm scared to go to class again. Not scared because I feel like someone will hurt me, but scared because I'm a wuss sometimes.

This teacher has a really strong personality; she is fun, but very no-nonsense about her expectations of her students. And I guess that my poor study skills tremble and quaver and want to hide from her scrutiny; it only makes my embarrassment and shame worse. I interpreted her email as "I'll do what I can as your professor, but the bottom line is that you have to suck it up and be a grown-up." I feel even more disabled and pathetic after reading that, particularly because I'm about to graduate--it's another reminder that I should have this down by now.

I wish I could run away, but I'm in my last semester and it's too late to do that--I can't put this class off for another semester with a fresh start. All I can do is try, right? My husband suggested revising my homework strategy, and I'll have to be brave enough to meet with my professor one-on-one, and I'll have to find the faith somewhere that everything really will be ok.

Official Book List

Combining all the ideas into one spot.

G.K. Chesterton - check!
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Edenbrooke by Julianne Donaldson - check! Wait! Apparently it has a sequel!
Inheritance Series by Christopher Paolini - partway done
The Tennis Shoes series by Chris Heimerdinger - partway done
The Seventh Seal series
David McCullough
Jane Austen - I've read Pride and Prejudice, and got partway through Mansfield Park.
Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson - partway done
Paradise Lost by John Milton
Hugh Nibley
C.S. Lewis - I've read The Screwtape Letters, The Chronicles of Narnia, and part of Mere Christianity.
Shakespeare
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston
J.D. Salinger
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Don Quixote de la Mancha by Miguel de Cervantes
Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
Siddhartha
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
The Tortilla Curtain by T.C. Boyle
Real Enemies by Kathryn S. Olmsted
The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux - check!
Women of Genesis series by Orson Scott Card - I've read Sarah and a couple chapters of Rebekah.
Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones
The Princess Bride by William Goldman
Dickens
Percy Jackson & the Olympians series by Rick Riordan
Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson
Tamora Pierce - I remember really liking some of her series when I was in middle school.
The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde
Kate DiCamillo

Also, books to own someday:
A collection by G.K. Chesterton
Madeleine L'Engle's series "A Wrinkle in Time"

More suggestions:
http://mckayalumni.byu.edu/s/1085/09-education/index.aspx?sid=1085&gid=10&pgid=4984

I have also written notes to myself to check out Lynn Kurland, Rachel Hartman, Diane Stanley, Helen Epstein (Where She Came From), Elie Wiesel (The Trial of God), Murasaki Shikibu (The Tale of Genji), and Parker Palmer (Let Your Life Speak). I think those authors had caught my eye while walking through a bookstore, and the names have been sitting in my phone ever since. I'll need to google them sometime and see if they're any good. A friend also recommended: Austenland series by Shannon Hale and Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare.

Quick Update

First, I got 100% on Friday's test!!!!!! The scores were adjusted so that the 3rd-highest score became 100%, so I don't know what my raw score actually was. Life often seems unfair, but I'm really grateful for this injustice. Holy cow. I hope the rest of my classmates did just as well.

Hershey's Bliss Creme de Menthe chocolates are one of the best candies ever. Well done, Hershey's.

We visited a neighbor on Saturday, and she was really happy to see us! Yay for making friends.

Inspired by a couple acquaintances, I decided to celebrate Valentine's Day for the first two weeks of the month by making a valentine for my husband every day. I wasn't able to make it in time for yesterday, and I don't know if I'll be able to today, but I've made a heart-shaped pouch out of red felt for the first three days with a note folded up inside. I'll try to take a picture of all 14 hearts on Valentine's Day (provided I can make all of them). Because I know my husband, I suggested that on Valentine's Day we redistribute the hearts and give them to others instead of keeping them for ourselves. We'll see how that goes.

We've been more social lately, attending dinner and hosting dinner with various degrees of prior planning. It's been really fun. We also went to a movie night with a couple friends from my study abroad and watched Laputa: Castle in the Sky (a Miyzaki film).

On Sunday I was helping a friend with her baby during church, and one of the moms told me that I was "a natural." Awesome :) It's been about a decade since I had everyday contact with babies, and I feel super rusty.

Yesterday I spent all of my not-in-class time reading The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux. I had no idea that it was a novel before a musical, and it was an extremely interesting narrative. Leroux's professional experience was mostly as a journalist, and he compiled this novel from actual events and his imagination, so the story feels true and logical as you read. Raoul and Christine are frightened and impetuous children to me (especially Raoul in the book), but the depth and complexity of the other characters was intriguing.

So busy!!! Time to get back to work.

**And I need to add Howl's Moving Castle to my book list. I kind of want to add The Phantom of the Opera too just so I can cross off a classic.

Mild Epiphany

I am a writer.

Work and practice will make me an effective, powerful writer; living a full, invested life will give me interesting and meaningful things to write about. I think I can still say that, in my present state, I am a writer.

I don't remember writing much on my own in elementary school, but I've kept journals, notebooks, and blogs almost religiously since middle school. Most of my outside-of-school writing has been autobiographical free writes, but I've written creative poetry on and off for years and explored a couple different ideas for novels. I write to think, to reflect, to vent, to describe, to record, to share, to entertain. It's more than just a hobby: writing is an important part of who I am and what I do.

What does this epiphany mean? I want to become a better writer, and I would love for it to be part of whatever I do in life. How this will happen, I don't know yet. There are things more important to me than writing--it's by no means an exclusive definition--but it's nice to understand part of myself a little better and to thus have a more informed idea for which job and career opportunities I'm well-suited for.

Week 4

Well, it's been another week, this one with some mixed success.

Socially, I've done a lot better. My husband and I have met a few other couples that live nearby, and we've had a couple dinner dates this week. I get to hang out with one of my best girl friends for an hour or so each day. And I changed my work schedule so it's more compatible with my classes, so I also get to work with more of my friends; it's much less stressful than last week.

Scholastically, let's see...

Audiology 1: Keeping up so far! Everything has been turned in, and thus far, I have a 96% in the class.

Audiology 2: We have a t---

About 2 hours ago, I realized that the audiology I test was about to write about was being handed out in approximately 30 minutes. And I hadn't studied a single thing. I crammed through the class study guide and finished just before the test was handed out. I'm a fast test-taker, partly because if I don't know the answer, that's not going to change no matter how long I stare at the question, and I just move on; I think I was the first person to hand the test in today. I felt remarkably good about this test though, especially considering how long I studied for it.

In other words, Audiology 2 isn't doing too badly.

Family History: Sometimes it feels like our class time just crawls by because I want to "get to the good stuff," which I think we'll get to on Monday. I haven't done any research this week, so maybe that could be a goal for the weekend. On Saturday we're going to drive to meet a distant relative of my husband's who has been working on his genealogy, so that's not part of my classwork, but it contributes to the big picture. We would also like to drive up to my grandparents' house sometime to spend time with them and hopefully scan some original documents while we're there.

Speech: After I missed the last assignment, I wanted to make sure I was on the ball for the third one, so I submitted it right after class. Score for not procrastinating! I still haven't watched any of the online lectures since the first week of class; I need to just sit down and do it sometime. I just looked at the class calendar, and it looks like we have another reading quiz next week and our first midterm the week after that.

Speaking of checking the calendar, I looked at the calendar for the Audiology 1 class, and it appears as though I need to complete a lab this weekend. Also good to know.

Writing: I'm definitely not caught up yet in this class. This week we submitted our portfolios for the project that I was only in class for the latter half of; that's almost behind me now. After submitting my portfolio, I emailed my professor and apologized for being late to class every day and bringing sub-par work, and expressed to her that I really do respect her as a teacher and appreciate the things she's teaching us, and that I'm resolving my conflict with class and work schedules and trying to do better. I really don't want to make a bad impression in the first 2 weeks of her class. She responded and said not to worry. Then various things happened that prevented me from being prepared for class on Thursday, so I just didn't go because I was embarrassed to bring a blank piece of paper to another peer review. Thanks to my friend in class, I did get the preparatory reading done for Thursday though. It appears as though another writing assignment is due next class, so I'll need to find out what it is.

I went through the Independent Study catalog this week and marked classes which I thought were interesting. Last week, I talked to the people in "Continuing Education" to discuss options, and at the moment, it looks like evening classes may be my best bet while we live close to campus. I don't know yet; we'll see. After marking up the catalog, most of the classes I want to pursue are writing and family history classes, so *hopefully, hopefully, hopefully* whatever direction my life takes after graduation, I'll somehow be able to keep learning, working, and progressing in those areas.

In quick reflection, I realized that this blog is actually, really helping me to keep better track of deadlines. I only review a past week at a time, and I've been really lucky that my friends have helped remind me of immediate deadlines in between, but I'm looking ahead more often and slowly making progress. What still looks like clods of dirt to everyone else is proving to be obscure and dingy but valuable ore for me. Someday it might be special.

Addition

Add "Les Miserables" to my book list. My youngest sister is reading it, and one of my friends just finished it and said it was super readable (if a little boring occasionally with details). I don't know if I want to read the abridged or unabridged versions, but I'll definitely be reading it in English, unless I get really ambitious.

Things That Made Me Feel Good Today

- Going to the temple. It's been about 3 weeks since my husband and I last went, and I felt so much lighter and peaceful while we were there. Having a temple so close by is such a blessing, and I want to stick to my old habit of going every week (we missed the last 3 weeks because of lousy scheduling on our end). I clearly need it.

- Reading the scriptures. I love reading Isaiah, and today I re-read some of his Messianic prophecies. I love the poetic beauty in his imagery and phrasing, especially as he describes Jesus Christ and His intercessory Atonement on our behalf. It touched my heart and reminded me that daily scripture reading is good for me.

- Raspberries and french toast. That, with homemade maple syrup, was my dinner tonight. (Mixing the raspberries and syrup was my husband's idea - it was better than I expected!). It's nice to get fresh fruit in occasionally; I should try it more often. I also need to learn to peel an orange properly...

- Meeting new people. We had a church activity tonight, and my husband and I met another young couple that lives around the corner from us who we would like to get to know better. We also stopped by a stranger's house to introduce ourselves (this person has been ignoring everyone who comes to their door), and they answered, were really nice, and said we could come back once in a while! She's going through a really tough time right now, so we're planning to visit after her family member's funeral to see how she's doing.

- Down time with my husband. It's hard to get during the week, but we had a relaxing morning together at home, and laughed together quite a bit in the evening.

Week 3

It's been an interesting week. No school on Monday, my first week in the new writing class, a surprise opportunity to see the Phantom of the Opera on stage, and a surprise ice storm.

Audiology 1 - I missed class today for the first time because I was feeling sick this morning and they covered stuff I already know. I should check the schedule for any quizzes coming up, but the first lab is due Monday and should be super easy.

Audiology 2 - Sounds like we have a test next week, so I should double-check the calendar. The TA emailed a schedule for review sessions and I already downloaded all the semester's material from online, so I'll just need to study it.

Speech - This class is fun because I only have to go once a week. Unfortunately, I forget about every quiz or lab until the day it's due - so far, I've only lost 1.7 points because of my neglect, but I've been fortuitously reminded each time before the assignment closes online. Also unfortunately, I haven't been watching the online lectures like I should, so I do need to catch up in that. And I should probably write my assignments on a calendar that I look at more frequently.

Family History - We didn't get to meet this week, so that was sad. I keep doing research in long spurts once or twice a week. This week I realized that the husband I'm researching died when he was 35! I obviously hadn't done the math yet, but this sure makes things more interesting. Why did he die so young? A lot of the potentially relevant records I need haven't been indexed yet, so a lot of the work will probably involve learning how to read handwritten manuscripts from probate court sessions in the 1800's that may or may not turn up anything.

Writing - This is a tricky class. I think we are and will continue to learn a lot of good stuff in this class, but I'll be playing catch-up for probably another week. I joined the class in the middle of a big group project and wrote my first bare-bones draft when everyone else was writing their full-and-complete, ready-for-editing first draft. On the plus side, I got to see the Phantom of the Opera on stage for free! We're supposed to go see it and write about it, but tickets have been sold out since December, and a guy in my class had a ticket for last night's show that he couldn't use, so he gave it to me. It was a pretty cool performance, and it was adapted well for a university stage (and the Phantom was a PERFECT singer for the part). There was an article in the show's program that described why Christine and the Phantom are drawn to each other and why they don't work out, so the play became much more meaningful than the one time I saw the film.

There's my week. I'm doing extremely well on homework compared to my past record, which is great encouragement when the classes I'm not caught up in drag me down. And the ice has mostly passed now with the rain and warmer temperatures--that was a bummer yesterday when I was rushing to work and, after several near-falls, I fell in the middle of an empty street and scraped up my hands (it could be worse...but my hands have been through a lot lately) and got a hole in my last pair of good jeans, and ended up clocking in five minutes late. I just wanted to go home curl up with hot chocolate, blankets and band-aids, but with how my schedule worked out, it definitely didn't happen. Hopefully next week will be better emotionally and I'll get caught up in my writing class.

Wimp and a Wuss

Note to self -- don't attend career seminars for other majors. Also, stay away from any and all recruiting fairs, because all they talk about is how much they love "hard science majors" because they're so smart and so disciplined and obviously know how to work harder than any other major.

Even (and perhaps especially) if the recruiters are offering cookies, donuts, pizza, or free t-shirts.

Sometimes I feel like my life is such a dead end. I've been working at the same student foodservice job since I was a freshman (didn't get a promotion until after I'd been working there at least 3 years) and which job I automatically lose upon graduation, I don't want to go to grad school to become a speech therapist mostly because I hate how I feel isolated in the undergrad program, I have no idea where to go in the job market because I feel defined exclusively by my (lack of) success in school and feel utterly unprepared to make a contribution anywhere, and my own pessimism is weighing me down like someone exchanged my backpack for sandbags. I hate it! And I'm a little scared by what it means for me.

And I'm certain I'm doing it to myself. Because I'm being a miserable old grouch who wants to place blame for her own misery on anything but herself. Perpetuating my own sadness is irrational, so why do I do it?

Moreover, why do I feel the urge to share all my pitiable woes with the online world? It's not even fulfilling because I seldom get feedback. I've heard from a few scholarly sources lately that shared pain brings empathy. Is that why I want to complain? If I think back to when I lived with my half the members of my social group, I would have never communicated with them like I communicate with facebook; complaining seems more destructive to relationships than helpful, so maybe there's a balance that breeds empathy.

I wrote most of this last night after attending a lecture for math majors with my husband, and after falling on the ice on my way to work (hurting my hands and ripping my pants), and after I was unprepared for group work in my new writing class after trying hard all morning. I'm doing better today, but I was frustrated and wanted to vent about a lot of things, and couldn't think of a healthy way to do it. So I guess this is less complete venting, but helped me think about it and put things in perspective.

More Goals

Here's another for the list of New Year's resolutions... QUIT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS!!!! Even though I know that they're human (and sometimes know what their particular human flaws or personal crucibles are), I keep comparing my worst average with their best average. It's not healthy either when I think I'm better than others. Self-worth doesn't come from comparison.

I know, I know what I need to do; I just need to make myself do it. I'm tired of feeling mournful and self-deprecating when I see the success of others.

I need to remind myself where my worth comes from. I keep focusing on all my weaknesses and then feel selfish and pathetically seek validation from others (especially over the internet, by hoping for hits or comments on facebook or my blogs). Super lame, and I want it to stop.

And good grief, I want to figure out what I want to do in life! Something to be passionate about that will help me see more meaning in my life. I want to contribute or make a difference or something... I want to be a valuable part of something helpful. Not just a useless bump on a log monitoring facebook, pinterest, email, and blogs all day. Gah. But what to do, what to be??

Week Two Review

So, the last few days of school have been horribly unproductive and unfocused. I think that that will improve as I get more into the swing of things after shaking up my school and work schedule in the last few days.

I haven't gotten my footing yet for my new writing class, so I'll need to power through the last two weeks of class notes before Tuesday morning.

I also realized that I should submit my labwork by the end of lab day, because otherwise I'll forget all the explanations from class when I go to submit it a week later.

My audiology classes are both going well for now. I haven't been paying super close attention in class because one class is a repeat from last semester and the other class seems like it should be easy to learn.

Sometimes I wish my family history class met more than once a week. I get so pumped about research on class day, then it slowly move to the back of my mind during the week.

That actually covers all my classes! Just 5 of them, which will probably feel overwhelming as I have more assignments and quizzes coming up, but for now, I'm okay. I'm not failing yet, and I don't think I will this semester. I am so ready for the coming 3-day weekend! We have family in town, so we're planning some good quality time with them and looking for ways to maximize some family history gathering.

And again, I really can't describe how wonderful it is to have people I know in class (and seeing them outside of class sometimes too). I feel so much more invested. I care so much more about going to class, participating in class, and wanting to do well together. It goes so much deeper than having an accessible study-buddy for test time. I feel much happier for it.

Changing My Mind

I switched to a different writing class. Basically, it came out during class on Tuesday that I have differing opinions from my classmates on sensitive issues, so I ran away from the class because I was afraid (I'd hoped to keep my opinions private). It's not that religious studies is inherently controversial, but it can be a delicate topic to dance around because of the people involved. I prefer to stay on the safe side of the line, and I'm afraid of how I might react to people when I'm challenged/attacked. 

I went to my old roommate's English class and like the professor's presentation, so now I'm in "Writing about Art and Humanities." I had thought it would be like my freshman humanities course, but I liked the presentation style, and the instruction can be generalized to writing well in any genre. I don't know if I'll be able to write my research paper on family history or not, but I like what I've seen of the class so far. And with my old roommate in class, I can have a study buddy. 

I'll maybe give classes another week to evaluate if I need to meet with the teachers monthly, like I had planned on.

There are still a lot of things that I want to continue learning, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to take university classes for them or not. But with figuring out my schedule, I'm identifying family history and writing as two things that I care about and want to learn better. Maybe I was supposed to learn certain lessons from my current major that I would have missed out on if I had gone with a major that I would choose in retrospect. I guess that regardless of the past, the only direction I can go is forward.

A Night With the Opera

Sometime during the past week, my husband and I had a chill night at home and snuggled up to watch a DVD of Mozart's The Magic Flute. True to form, the opera was performed auf Deutsch, and the English subtitles were well done and unobtrusive. I've seen it once before in person, and apparently at the time, they added in a couple funny things that aren't in the standard production, so I missed those this time around. It was a great movie to watch with my husband because we both got our (little bit of) German refreshed, and there were lots of themes and ideas to mull over afterwards. The visual and acoustic art was a pleasure to observe as well. My husband is a great "active consumer;" I love how he doesn't passively absorb things, and rather thinks them over, evaluating them for truth, and pondering what they mean and how things fit together. He really tries to make everything he does a valuable part of his life.

In short, it was a good night and I feel just a little classier for it :)

*Speaking of class, I've been on both ends of the "classy dress" spectrum so far this semester. I want to be dressing nicer, so on those days I think I've looked pretty classy. Other days though are definitely on the t-shirt/sweatshirt end. The sweatshirt days, in my defense, were when the outside temperature was in the single digits, and occasionally had a "-" in front. I feel like I don't have many days in the middle of the road between t-shirts and pearl earrings.*

Bleh

Long story short, I'm trying to figure out if I want to change my writing class this semester and figure out what I can and want to do after graduation to keep learning what I want to learn.

I'm not feeling super optimistic because to do post-graduate classes at a university, particularly at my "alma mater," I'll need to convince people that I'll be a good student and that I'll be able to contribute to the world with what I've learned. I don't know that I can convince them that this is actually to learn about what I discovered I wanted to study instead of what I was forced by deadlines to study, and that it isn't a fluffy accessory because I don't want to leave the university. We'll see. It just sounds harder than I expected, and I'm not sure what to do. I should probably just focus on one problem at a time.