A Different Kind of Class

Last night my family watched a bunch of family videos - some compilations of photos and some home videos - that brought back a multitude of memories and lots of laughter. Some were of elementary school reports, or kindergarten introductions, ultrasound videos, wedding and anniversary videos, etc.

One that struck me in a different way was my great-grandma Sarah's funeral video. My mom paused the video regularly to identify people she knew in the old photos and I learned a little more about the family I come from. My great-grandma grew up extremely poor, but ended up literally traveling around the world as she got older. The pictures were almost exclusively of Sarah with her family members through the years.

I'm reasonably sure I remember someone saying of my great-grandma that she never looked sloppy and always dressed her best. I thought of that as I watched the old photographs roll by, and I don't believe I ever saw her wearing a t-shirt. I think that's something that our society values less every year - the "it" look is tousled, casual, and at least a touch messy. It's a "lived-in" look; polish and perfection is seen in cold, heartless TV villains. I like the tousled, slightly unkempt style, but I'm wondering if that's the best I can do. I thought about other old-fashioned virtues like punctuality (being early, not on time), selflessness, respect, gratitude, etc as I worked on writing more wedding thank-you cards. Those values are fading too.

So this is another aspect of development that I'm thinking about. A lot of this blog has been directed towards academic classes, but this kind of class is something I want to work on too. Being a more classy person.

Test Prep

I remember in elementary and middle school, we were instructed in the ways we can sort of "hack the test." Upon reflection, it was probably meant for us to do better on standardized tests, but for me it became an excuse to not study. Between what I remembered of the material in lecture and outsmarting the multiple choice questions, I managed to coast by without actually learning the material for keeps.

My first memorable experience of "outsmarting the test" was sometime in high school. In order to test out of the required health class, I had to study the textbook over the summer and get a certain grade on the final when I got back to school. I didn't study super hard, but the problem was that I would be tested on contraceptives, and there wasn't any information on them in the book, so I didn't study it. So when I got the test (all multiple choice answers), I looked at which medicines/procedures/products were grouped together for particular questions and eliminate or assert answers on that basis. I didn't get 100% on that test, but I scored higher than needed to opt out of the class.

One of my finals was like that this week. I remembered some things, but not everything, so I looked at similar questions and made choices based on the grouping of their answers. I'm sure I would have bombed a short answer test, but multiple choice saved the day. I don't know my score yet, but I did as well on that test as I could have, considering it was one of the hardest, most confusing classes I've ever taken.

So I thought it was interesting that the skills I was taught way back when have enabled me to look really good on paper until I got to college, when I realized that I didn't actually know how to study and teachers were less pressured to help me succeed individually. It was meant to help me, but foolish me used it as a crutch and an excuse, and the bad combination will continue to cripple me for even more years, until I can learn how to learn for real.

Next Semester and Reflecting on Trials

This semester I identified early on which class was probably going to be my hardest, and I met with the teacher at the beginning of the semester and explained to him that I had taken the prerequisite class a year ago and would probably get behind and have trouble keeping up with the work. He took it well and said that he would be available anytime I needed assistance. I even managed to meet with the TA's for help once before a midterm. But despite this good start, I didn't have enough momentum to keep the habit as the semester progressed (it didn't help that the professor had to take medical leave for a month and the TA's were confused in the assignments as well; it was just an unfortunate situation all around). It was improvement when compared with past semesters, but once again, it was insufficient to make a difference in the overall outcome.

What I'd like to try next semester is to meet with my teachers right away like I did this semester (though perhaps with more than just one teacher). But, I would like to have regular meetings with my professors/TA's at least once a month throughout the semester to help me stay on track. I want to do it no matter how on top of things (or behind things) I feel and not wait until things have gotten hard. My husband has done really well in teaching me the importance of setting and reporting on goals, instead of making goals and not establishing my accountability for them. It was a scary lesson for me to start learning - because I almost always associate accountability with guilt and shame - but now I see that reporting is a good tool in achieving goals more often. It also really helps to be working in a team.

If my mom reads this, she'll probably say in fun, "I TOLD YOU SO! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME YEARS AGO. I'M SMARTER THAN YOU THINK I AM!". It's true that she has suggested for years that I meet with my professors and TA's early on. Lots of people have tried to help me over the years as I've struggled in college; I love them dearly and am grateful for their help and their support. I think, though, that as true as all that advice has been, it wasn't going to be meaningful or effective for me until I came to the same conclusion myself. I trust you and know that what you're saying is likely true, but it won't become a reality for me until I come to know it on my own. It's not fun, but I guess we all need to struggle sometimes to become deeper people. That's one problem I'm finding, is that I haven't had many struggles that have taken years, not just months or days, to overcome; I've been pretty blessed and had many things come easily, but it means that I haven't had that learning experience yet - this is one of my closest experiences to an "Abrahamic trial" in my life (waiting for a long time for the fulfillment of a promised blessing). I hate having trouble with something that should be so simple and so easy for me to do, and I hate the pressure I put on myself for it, not including the pressure I feel comes from other people, and I hate the academic consequences. But with an eternal perspective, I guess I gain more than I lose from this experience, and that makes it worthwhile. Until I get to that point where I can look back and say, "It was worth it," I just have to operate on faith that God knows what He's doing in giving me specific trials and experiences, and that because of that, I'll be more than simply ok in the end. I don't think God gives us experiences with the intent of shaping us to be simply mediocre.

Freedom Yet?

I'm getting excited for my future as I enact the plans I'm forming here, but for now, finals week is coming... And once again, I'm not doing so hot. I can't wait until I'm free of my undergraduate program constraints (seriously - all the classes for my major are required, and there are no options) so I can take what I want without worrying about grades. Part of me is tempted to try switching to a general studies major like one of my friends who got married and moved across the big pond (the Atlantic) because our major isn't offered online, and online is all she can do anymore. If that would even work, I would feel like I cheated myself. Even though I'm not planning on following my major's professional career path, a bachelor's degree in communication disorders probably sounds better than a bachelor's in general studies. And I just have one semester left with 2 major classes. I can survive that, right?

I can maybe foresee a potential problem next semester though. Of the classes I'm taking, the major classes are the least important to me... and because my other classes will be time-consuming, I'm guessing I'll probably start out with good intentions but abandon my less-fun classes for the meaningful ones... I don't know how I'll pull out of this, but I've only got 4-5 months left until graduation. I can't wait to escape the undergraduate pressure. I just wish I could escape my own habits, too.


***If I haven't written it yet, my husband pointed out that in addition to the religion department, the History department offers regional family history classes; more than are available per semester through the former. So that's another option for classes to take. Maybe I can study English or History or Languages...

***Also, on another unrelated note, I really abhor violence in movies. Maybe I'm immature and should have finished the movie, but I stopped watching West Side Story a half hour before it ended because the characters were being incredibly stupid with their teenage gangs and bravado. I quit during the song about "Keep It Cool, Boy," where they were trying to control their anger and bloodlust for revenge after the gang leaders murdered each other in a fight. I didn't want to watch more teenagers being stupid (sometimes I have a low "stupid tolerance" in movies as well) or more people getting hurt.

Improvement

I think I've said it before, but I'll give a recap: being disappointed about attendance at my bridal shower and reception led me to think about all the times I've been invited to parties or events and didn't go because I procrastinated finding a ride, or I didn't think my presence would make a difference. I wondered if maybe I was missed after all, because I missed friends who didn't come. So part of my social improvement goals has been to get better at getting out of my box, honoring people's invitations, and making the effort to be there.

I did it last night! One of my less-close friends had her fourth annual ugly sweater party last night, and I've probably been invited every year, but never went because I didn't have an ugly sweater and I figured I wouldn't know many people. This year my friend is graduating though, so it was really important to me, at least, to just show up and say hi. And I did it! I didn't stay long because I had to get up for work at 5:30 this morning, but I overcame my usual hesitations and went. Even though I'm not super good friends with this girl, we've lived in the same area for the last few years and she's always been cheerful and super friendly; she seemed glad to see me last night, and that was reassuring.

Work was also really good this morning. I'm a shift supervisor, and we worked out some organizational kinks early in the day, and people were happy, cooperative, and worked hard. It was just a pleasant experience and made me glad for the great people I work with.