Week 13... and Family

Dropping that writing class has been one of the most liberating feelings ever. Seriously. My daily stress levels have plummeted and I feel so much more capable of succeeding this semester. It's an amazing feeling.

The only two problems with it are these: I still have to take a writing class, and now I have more unscheduled time to manage. To resolve the first problem, I really want to meet with the different teachers and figure out which class option will be the best for me. 

I think I'm actually making progress in managing my time. Surprise! I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting better. Part of it is that I was bored and dissatisfied when I wasn't being productive and was just wasting time. Part of it may have also been the reduction in stress after dropping the writing class; when I felt like I could actually do it, the work became a lot less scary and intimidating. Part of it may also be that the internet at our apartment broke this week. Luckily I guess, most of my homework can be done offline while a lot of my distractions can't. 

Audiology 1 - Playing catch up because I've gotten behind on several labs.

Audiology 2 - Still going great. Class is often boring unless we have a guest lecturer, but I learn some really cool things and I've been doing fine on the tests.

Family history - I'm way behind. I need to figure out how to fix that.

Speech - I think that this is one of the most humble and student-centered professors in the program. I think I'm keeping up ok in it. I should check that.

We also haven't been doing as many dinners with other people in the last couple weeks, so we're trying to get back in the swing of that. (Really, so rewarding and so much fun)

I just read part of my aunt's journal that she shared online today from 6 years ago when my grandpa's liver was failing. I don't think I realized at the time how severe the situation was because it happened so fast: after being diagnosed, he was put at the top of the organ donor list and the doctors said they could "hold him" for 7-10 days. I feel terrible now because I don't remember being affected by it as profoundly as my aunt was. I hate this feeling - this lack of a deep connection to my extended family. I hate the sense of lost time and lost relationships. My grandpa is pretty healthy now, but my other grandpa died a couple years ago after the combined forces of age, a stroke, and Alzheimer's, and I knew the latter grandpa even more poorly. And now that I finally live in the same state as both my grandparents, I still rarely see them. I hate, hate, hate it. I'm jealous of my cousins who grew up down the street from my grandparents. I'm envious of people whose cousins are some of their best friends. I'm jealous of people who have a fun, easy time at family gatherings and don't wonder to themselves at the relationship they're expected to have with people who are mostly strangers. It's not always that bad, but it's something that's hurt inside of me for years and has only gotten worse. My husband and I decided before we were even married that we wanted to live where we could be close to family for the kids' sake. I guess this is maybe another learning opportunity for me to see how important it is to have close relationships with family. That's one of my goals for becoming a better person, I guess.

Becoming Cultured Through Film

I realized just the other day that watching movies is a good way for me to become more cultured while I'm still in school. Books suck way more of my time and emotions than movies do, and while I'm taking classes, that time and those emotions are needed elsewhere.

Only mildly intentionally, my husband and I have been broadening our horizons through movies. I've already seen most of the movies at least once (even if it was many years ago), but it's a great experience for both of us as we discuss our impressions and things we learn.

We've watched some classics like Casablanca, Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, South Pacific, and a little bit of The King and I. Some Miyazaki movies that we've watched together are Howl's Moving Castle and Laputa: Castle in the Sky, and we want to see more. We've had some really good conversations about Jane Austen movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility; I don't remember if we've seen Pride and Prejudice together. Of course, we've also watched our share of Disney/Pixar movies in the last year, including Brave, Tangled, How to Train Your Dragon, Wall-E, and others.

I really learn a lot when I talk about things with my husband. This applies to everything, but especially to shared experiences like movies that we watch together. My husband is an active consumer of media, and I think that's one of his strengths; he evaluates everything he comes in contact with instead of passively accepting it. He makes everything meaningful, and I love sharing ideas with him. We both come out smarter for it.

I think this is a pattern that we'll follow for years. We have lots more movies that we want to watch together (including other genres like BBC films and Bollywood movies) and learn from. I'm not sure if I want to create a projected list for this because it changes with our priorities and film availability, but it's certainly something that I want to continue.

Week 11 1/2

Well, it's been an interesting and rather stressful week.

I withdrew from my writing class and will fulfill that requirement during spring term when I can be more prepared. That means my graduation is pushed back to June instead of April. Because June graduates fall between the April and August ceremonies, they can pick which they attend, so I can still do all the graduation celebrations with my husband next month. It's not desirable, but I feel good moving forward with this plan. I feel much better getting out of that class than I felt getting into it; I chose this semester's writing class because I was scared and rushed, and I didn't do much research about it; I didn't know what I was getting into. So hopefully next term will be a better experience and I'll learn more from the class.

I also had a stressful conversation with one of my professors that left me crying in the bathroom for about 20-40 minutes afterwards. We've since clarified things over email, but that wasn't fun. I knew that he was probably offended at me over something, and I wanted to compromise, and he wasn't interested in compromise at first. I wasn't planning on doing this, but at the end of our conversation I disclosed to a professor, for the first time, some of my frustrations with our program. He encouraged me to not give up yet. Not quite the same as my experience with the guest lecturer, where she encouraged me to continue beyond my undergraduate degree, but this professor encouraged me to finish up my degree and not drop out. I didn't think I had conveyed that I was considering dropping out, but I've definitely considered it in the past. Yes, school is still hard, but I'm so close to finishing that I've got to tough it out. I guess I cried because I was tired of failing, tired of disappointing people, and tired of being bored in classes for years. Maybe a few others things as well, but those stand out in my memory.

Now, after withdrawing from my writing class, I've got a bit more time to devote to my other classes. I want to use the extra time to meet with the TA's for my audiology and family history classes and get caught up, making sure that I understand the material and complete the homework. I also want to do some research to find a writing class for spring that will fit me well and that I'll be prepared for. That's where I need to spend most of my time for the rest of the semester. I just hope things go well.

Weeks 9-10

I so want to be done with school. Like, this week. Or better, yesterday.

It feels like my motivation for school is disappearing like the definite, vanishing swirl of water down a drain, and there's no way to call it back. Time is moving faster than I can keep up with, then it's gone.

My biggest academic worry is my writing class. We're in the middle of a research project, theoretically with a rough draft done, and I have hardly anything done and little direction to take any writing. I'm simultaneously terrified, apathetic, and resentful: I can't conjure any excitement for any topic which has sufficient research to draw on, and I don't like it. I wish I could ignore it and make it go away like past homework assignments, but it's too big for that to work. My teacher probably hates me now for missing the last couple classes (I knew we would be editing each other's papers and I don't have one) and for dragging my feet. I don't know what to do about it because on top of all the pre-writing and writing steps, we're also doing oral presentations on our work... And that can be a lot harder to make up out of nothing. I forced myself to get some get writing done yesterday, but I don't know where or how to move on from there.

I'm also ticked at the teacher for one of my audiology classes. He was more gracious in his condemnation this time (last time he was annoyed at a student, he called them out by name in front of the whole class to shame them), but he criticized me (not by name, or by physically pointed fingers, and perhaps not exclusively) at the end of class for my immorality in browsing the internet during lecture and said to not come to class if I'm bored. Fact is, I am bored in class and have fallen asleep almost every time I don't have my computer to keep me awake, and what I can get out of class, distracted and awake, is more than what I would get if I were to fall asleep or stay at home. I've tried taking notes, but when he says the same thing four different times, I only need to write it once, and it's not enough to keep my brain or fingers busy, so I fall asleep. I also don't have the option of graduating without his class. I think my position is defensible, but it demonstrates to me that he doesn't care about all his students and only wants the conveniently good ones to succeed. So I got angry after class today.

I'm not doing so well in my family history class either. We meet once a week on Mondays, and homework for the week is due by midnight that evening. I forget about the homework assignments really easily, so I've gotten pretty behind. I should be able to catch up, but I'm not sure how. Maybe I could meet with my teacher during office hours to get some research guidance and formatting help, but then I might be wasting her time. I like this professor, but that's perhaps a problem with many of my professors generally: their office time or research time is too precious to be wasted on someone like me. Someone who is a lazy bum and doesn't know how to try hard enough and will never amount to anything significant in their gaze.

My other audiology class is going well enough. 3 tests down with a 94% overall, and 2 tests left. If only all my classes were like that. My speech class is also surviving, though less handily. We have a midterm this week. The hardest part outside of tests is remembering deadlines; we pretty much finish the homework in class, so I need to make sure I wrap it up and submit it the same evening, before I forget how to complete it.

I guess that's most of my life right now. Work is going well, and my worries about a post-graduation job are eclipsed by my worries about passing those 3 classes. These worries have been paralyzing, and I often sit around doing nothing because 1) the things I know I ought to do are too scary and 2) I shouldn't do things that aren't my homework right now... I probably read 6 books in the last two weeks, and they were fun reads, but, obviously, not my homework. At least they weren't email, facebook, pinterest, blogger, youtube, etc.

On the upside, we've been able to spend some time with family and friends lately. I don't know what I'd do without those social bonding opportunities (oh wait, it might be like last semester...); I feel like I can still be a useful, helpful, real, full and meaningful person when I can interact with other people. Also, I won something! That's a pretty rare thing. It's a couple free tickets to a fancy 3-course dinner with live jazz music and dancing. Free dinner is always cool, but free, fancy, dinner with awesome music--that's something to look forward to. Time to play dress-up.

Another Good Song

I think I've linked up to other Youtube videos on this blog (maybe, maybe not), and here's another one that's really meaningful to me right now.

Jason Gray - Remind Me Who I Am

I've heard it several times on the radio before and enjoyed it (the chorus is great for singing along to), but when I heard it in the last couple weeks, I had to think about the words I was singing along with. How could you listen to this song while having self-esteem issues and not feel pricked by its message? Especially while watching the accompanying video. This song is a good help in the healing process and realizing how God thinks of me even when I make mistakes. 

Why I Feel Like a Superhero

This blog post fits my other blog better, so I'm just linking up to it. Yesterday I felt useful, needed, part of a team, and like God can still use me as I am, and this is that story. God loves my friend, and He loves me too.

Making Happy blog: Why I Feel Like a Superhero Tonight

Book Review: Book of a Thousand Days

This was my second time reading this book by Shannon Hale. I don't remember how old I was when I first read it, but after this go-through, I've decided that I would love to have it in my library for my children to read in the future.

**SORT OF SPOILERS AHEAD**

How I explained the plot to my husband (more or less):

This is a story, in journal form, of a lady's maid, and because the princess/lady refused to marry the man her father wanted her to, both princess and maid are to be locked up in a tower for seven years. The maid keeps a journal of their time together. The princess doesn't really know how to do anything but sit around. Eventually they escape the tower and go to the princess's-secret-fiance's city and become employed as kitchen scrubbers. The princess is afraid of practically everyone, so she orders the maid to pretend to be the princess when the maid reveals their existence. Though punishment with death is almost certain, the maid does her duty and finally reveals herself to the prince as the princess. When the bad guy (the man that the king wanted the princess to marry) is threatening outside the city gates, the maid takes it upon herself to rescue everybody by exposing the bad guy as an evil skinwalker/werewolf. The "rescue" goes well, but when the princess commands her to marry the prince while pretending to be her, the maid cannot do it and when she tries to escape the city, she is discovered as an impostor and her fate is decided by a council. There is a happy ending.

Now I'll just ramble about why I really like this book.

One fault that I see in many contemporary books and movies is that the plot moves too quickly to be a realistic chronology. The last time I read Jane Austen, the chronology was more realistic, but also quite boring. I think this book achieves a healthy balance by acknowledging the passage of time (the girls spend almost 3 years in the tower) without overloading on the details of every day in that period. Thus, the characters have time to grow and make meaningful changes, and not every day has to be filled with momentous, fast-paced, life-changing events.

Another common fault of popular media is that many things are hypersexualized, which isn't realistic or healthy, and that's important when the target audience is rather young. This book isn't, that I noticed. The maid has large birthmarks that cover almost half her face and one of her hands, but she hardly ever talks about it. She's a girl, but she doesn't think just of love and beauty, and that's refreshing in a novel; the character is brave and feels real. I would probably let a ten year-old read this book without worrying that it would lead her to an unhealthy focus on her own appearance. Most of the characters aren't as well-rounded as the narrator, but the prince's role in the story functions as more than a masculine Prince-Charming placeholder. It's also to the authors credit that where nudity is mentioned twice, there are no visual details; that makes me comfortable in letting my brothers or future sons read the book.

Going with the two previous ideas, I really like how the characters aren't static stereotypes. They change! The most dramatic example for me is the princess. For most of the book, she's a wilted, selfish, weepy mess that doesn't really do anything. She's afraid and feels worthless, and doesn't really become friends with the maid for a long while. She tells the maid that as the third child in her royal family, her only purpose in life is to be married off. Her father locked her up in a tower, and everyone she thought cared about her has abandoned her. She's been told that she's pretty and dumb, and admits to attempting suicide. The major changes in her begin when she's given a cat to love who loves her back and when she learns a skill. By the end of the book, she's still shy, but when given the option to have maids and free time again, she prefers to continue her work in the kitchen where she feels artful and useful.

I also appreciate how there isn't much magic in this book. I say this mostly because I immersed myself in books about magic when I was younger, and while I still enjoy them, I just think that it's more empowering to readers when the characters find strength in themselves to overcome their trials. The story takes place in a fictional ancient Mongolia.

This book also deals with class issues. The local culture within the book is that the gentry are the offspring of the gods and the commoners were formed from mud to serve the gentry. The maid goes through (over time!) lots of personal growth where she learns that gentry are real people, in both positive and negative senses, and that all life can be noble and fallible. Even wicked people can be pitied for how they threw their lives away.

I think that covers most of what I liked in this book. Even as a twenty-something year-old, I feel like this book was worth my time (and more. it was a quick read) for both the entertainment and the lessons learned. I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants a fairly light, entertaining, and uplifting story.

Bad Morning and Week 8

Some days you just want to hate life. This morning was one of those times. I was frustrated because I was doing everything I could for my lab assessment, but the program was being quirky and I knew that my professor would take points off no matter how hard I tried. I panicked a little because I realized that not only did I have an exam today, I also have to meet with my English teacher for a paper conference, and I am most likely unprepared. I was panicked and frustrated because I was running out of time to both study and shower before my test, and I felt gross and angry on the inside and outside. I also got annoyed because as always, no one cares about paying education, English, history, psychology, etc majors for doing well the work they love like they are begging to pay computer and math geeks to do what they love; so unfair. I was frustrated because my professor who would be grading me on said exam seems like a heartless professional much of the time, and I remembered that none of my professors care about me. I also got up at 4:45am to work on the lab assessment before the written exam at 8am, and have only had a banana, a caramel candy, and water to eat/drink thus far today. I'm feeling personally inadequate and overly critical. I couldn't decide if I wanted to hide under a rock for the day or be an offended, angry grouch for the rest of ever and just sugar binge, so here I am, post-exam and pre-conference, still tired and hungry and grouchy, blogging about how hard life is sometimes.

I just caught up reading through my facebook newsfeed and feel surprisingly less angsty. Maybe I just needed to be distracted by other people's lives? The problems are still there, but they don't feel so angry and ominous now. I better keep myself distracted.

So, my husband pointed out that we're over halfway through the semester now and have just 6 weeks of classes left. Crazy!

Audiology 1 - Just had the first midterm today. I've been skipping this class quite a bit lately because 1) I've been sick a couple times, 2) it's my first class in the morning, and 3) I'm retaking this class and have already learned a lot of the stuff he's teaching. I do need to be better though. I felt surprisingly ok with the written part of today's exam (I already shared the lab portion's frustration: grades are already up for that and I got a 70%). I haven't done so hot on the last couple labs, so I probably need to start visiting the TA's like last semester, and start the labs more than 12 hours before they're due. It's still better than last semester, I guess, when I hardly turned anything in. Progress?

Audiology 2 - Class has been pretty easy since this one is just lecture and exams. We've had a couple guest lecturers lately that have really intrigued me, so that's been cool. I emailed the most recent one, actually, and have gotten 3 emails from her already and 3 additional people to contact! Who knows, I might be able to get a career out of this class.

Family history - I was kinda behind in researching, then I spent 6 hours in one day this week going through films of original and compiled records... And I still can't find any sources acknowledging or identifying the date or cause of death for my great-great grandpa! I probably need to be focusing on researching other records for class assignments, but that one still boggles me.

Speech - So far, mostly good... I think. I feel like I'm missing an assignment somewhere. But fortunately, I've stayed caught up with and gotten good grades on everything else. I've got a reading quiz coming up that I need to remember to do when I have the book.

English - I'm more or less keeping up... This class doesn't collect the homework very frequently, so it's hard to see my overall progress. We started our research unit a couple weeks ago, and I'm meeting with my teacher in a couple hours to go over what I've got so far. Hopefully I can produce something to show her by then. Both my friend and I have had a hard time finding any compelling research topics in our field, so hopefully it'll turn out ok.

So there's my academic life for now. It feels pretty dismal sometimes (usually right before a procrastinated deadline), but it'll be over with soon and I'll at least have a degree in something. I still don't know if having a degree will do me any good, but I can hope that it's better than nothing. Ugh. Time for another distraction.