Weeks 9-10

I so want to be done with school. Like, this week. Or better, yesterday.

It feels like my motivation for school is disappearing like the definite, vanishing swirl of water down a drain, and there's no way to call it back. Time is moving faster than I can keep up with, then it's gone.

My biggest academic worry is my writing class. We're in the middle of a research project, theoretically with a rough draft done, and I have hardly anything done and little direction to take any writing. I'm simultaneously terrified, apathetic, and resentful: I can't conjure any excitement for any topic which has sufficient research to draw on, and I don't like it. I wish I could ignore it and make it go away like past homework assignments, but it's too big for that to work. My teacher probably hates me now for missing the last couple classes (I knew we would be editing each other's papers and I don't have one) and for dragging my feet. I don't know what to do about it because on top of all the pre-writing and writing steps, we're also doing oral presentations on our work... And that can be a lot harder to make up out of nothing. I forced myself to get some get writing done yesterday, but I don't know where or how to move on from there.

I'm also ticked at the teacher for one of my audiology classes. He was more gracious in his condemnation this time (last time he was annoyed at a student, he called them out by name in front of the whole class to shame them), but he criticized me (not by name, or by physically pointed fingers, and perhaps not exclusively) at the end of class for my immorality in browsing the internet during lecture and said to not come to class if I'm bored. Fact is, I am bored in class and have fallen asleep almost every time I don't have my computer to keep me awake, and what I can get out of class, distracted and awake, is more than what I would get if I were to fall asleep or stay at home. I've tried taking notes, but when he says the same thing four different times, I only need to write it once, and it's not enough to keep my brain or fingers busy, so I fall asleep. I also don't have the option of graduating without his class. I think my position is defensible, but it demonstrates to me that he doesn't care about all his students and only wants the conveniently good ones to succeed. So I got angry after class today.

I'm not doing so well in my family history class either. We meet once a week on Mondays, and homework for the week is due by midnight that evening. I forget about the homework assignments really easily, so I've gotten pretty behind. I should be able to catch up, but I'm not sure how. Maybe I could meet with my teacher during office hours to get some research guidance and formatting help, but then I might be wasting her time. I like this professor, but that's perhaps a problem with many of my professors generally: their office time or research time is too precious to be wasted on someone like me. Someone who is a lazy bum and doesn't know how to try hard enough and will never amount to anything significant in their gaze.

My other audiology class is going well enough. 3 tests down with a 94% overall, and 2 tests left. If only all my classes were like that. My speech class is also surviving, though less handily. We have a midterm this week. The hardest part outside of tests is remembering deadlines; we pretty much finish the homework in class, so I need to make sure I wrap it up and submit it the same evening, before I forget how to complete it.

I guess that's most of my life right now. Work is going well, and my worries about a post-graduation job are eclipsed by my worries about passing those 3 classes. These worries have been paralyzing, and I often sit around doing nothing because 1) the things I know I ought to do are too scary and 2) I shouldn't do things that aren't my homework right now... I probably read 6 books in the last two weeks, and they were fun reads, but, obviously, not my homework. At least they weren't email, facebook, pinterest, blogger, youtube, etc.

On the upside, we've been able to spend some time with family and friends lately. I don't know what I'd do without those social bonding opportunities (oh wait, it might be like last semester...); I feel like I can still be a useful, helpful, real, full and meaningful person when I can interact with other people. Also, I won something! That's a pretty rare thing. It's a couple free tickets to a fancy 3-course dinner with live jazz music and dancing. Free dinner is always cool, but free, fancy, dinner with awesome music--that's something to look forward to. Time to play dress-up.