Addition

Add "Les Miserables" to my book list. My youngest sister is reading it, and one of my friends just finished it and said it was super readable (if a little boring occasionally with details). I don't know if I want to read the abridged or unabridged versions, but I'll definitely be reading it in English, unless I get really ambitious.

Things That Made Me Feel Good Today

- Going to the temple. It's been about 3 weeks since my husband and I last went, and I felt so much lighter and peaceful while we were there. Having a temple so close by is such a blessing, and I want to stick to my old habit of going every week (we missed the last 3 weeks because of lousy scheduling on our end). I clearly need it.

- Reading the scriptures. I love reading Isaiah, and today I re-read some of his Messianic prophecies. I love the poetic beauty in his imagery and phrasing, especially as he describes Jesus Christ and His intercessory Atonement on our behalf. It touched my heart and reminded me that daily scripture reading is good for me.

- Raspberries and french toast. That, with homemade maple syrup, was my dinner tonight. (Mixing the raspberries and syrup was my husband's idea - it was better than I expected!). It's nice to get fresh fruit in occasionally; I should try it more often. I also need to learn to peel an orange properly...

- Meeting new people. We had a church activity tonight, and my husband and I met another young couple that lives around the corner from us who we would like to get to know better. We also stopped by a stranger's house to introduce ourselves (this person has been ignoring everyone who comes to their door), and they answered, were really nice, and said we could come back once in a while! She's going through a really tough time right now, so we're planning to visit after her family member's funeral to see how she's doing.

- Down time with my husband. It's hard to get during the week, but we had a relaxing morning together at home, and laughed together quite a bit in the evening.

Week 3

It's been an interesting week. No school on Monday, my first week in the new writing class, a surprise opportunity to see the Phantom of the Opera on stage, and a surprise ice storm.

Audiology 1 - I missed class today for the first time because I was feeling sick this morning and they covered stuff I already know. I should check the schedule for any quizzes coming up, but the first lab is due Monday and should be super easy.

Audiology 2 - Sounds like we have a test next week, so I should double-check the calendar. The TA emailed a schedule for review sessions and I already downloaded all the semester's material from online, so I'll just need to study it.

Speech - This class is fun because I only have to go once a week. Unfortunately, I forget about every quiz or lab until the day it's due - so far, I've only lost 1.7 points because of my neglect, but I've been fortuitously reminded each time before the assignment closes online. Also unfortunately, I haven't been watching the online lectures like I should, so I do need to catch up in that. And I should probably write my assignments on a calendar that I look at more frequently.

Family History - We didn't get to meet this week, so that was sad. I keep doing research in long spurts once or twice a week. This week I realized that the husband I'm researching died when he was 35! I obviously hadn't done the math yet, but this sure makes things more interesting. Why did he die so young? A lot of the potentially relevant records I need haven't been indexed yet, so a lot of the work will probably involve learning how to read handwritten manuscripts from probate court sessions in the 1800's that may or may not turn up anything.

Writing - This is a tricky class. I think we are and will continue to learn a lot of good stuff in this class, but I'll be playing catch-up for probably another week. I joined the class in the middle of a big group project and wrote my first bare-bones draft when everyone else was writing their full-and-complete, ready-for-editing first draft. On the plus side, I got to see the Phantom of the Opera on stage for free! We're supposed to go see it and write about it, but tickets have been sold out since December, and a guy in my class had a ticket for last night's show that he couldn't use, so he gave it to me. It was a pretty cool performance, and it was adapted well for a university stage (and the Phantom was a PERFECT singer for the part). There was an article in the show's program that described why Christine and the Phantom are drawn to each other and why they don't work out, so the play became much more meaningful than the one time I saw the film.

There's my week. I'm doing extremely well on homework compared to my past record, which is great encouragement when the classes I'm not caught up in drag me down. And the ice has mostly passed now with the rain and warmer temperatures--that was a bummer yesterday when I was rushing to work and, after several near-falls, I fell in the middle of an empty street and scraped up my hands (it could be worse...but my hands have been through a lot lately) and got a hole in my last pair of good jeans, and ended up clocking in five minutes late. I just wanted to go home curl up with hot chocolate, blankets and band-aids, but with how my schedule worked out, it definitely didn't happen. Hopefully next week will be better emotionally and I'll get caught up in my writing class.

Wimp and a Wuss

Note to self -- don't attend career seminars for other majors. Also, stay away from any and all recruiting fairs, because all they talk about is how much they love "hard science majors" because they're so smart and so disciplined and obviously know how to work harder than any other major.

Even (and perhaps especially) if the recruiters are offering cookies, donuts, pizza, or free t-shirts.

Sometimes I feel like my life is such a dead end. I've been working at the same student foodservice job since I was a freshman (didn't get a promotion until after I'd been working there at least 3 years) and which job I automatically lose upon graduation, I don't want to go to grad school to become a speech therapist mostly because I hate how I feel isolated in the undergrad program, I have no idea where to go in the job market because I feel defined exclusively by my (lack of) success in school and feel utterly unprepared to make a contribution anywhere, and my own pessimism is weighing me down like someone exchanged my backpack for sandbags. I hate it! And I'm a little scared by what it means for me.

And I'm certain I'm doing it to myself. Because I'm being a miserable old grouch who wants to place blame for her own misery on anything but herself. Perpetuating my own sadness is irrational, so why do I do it?

Moreover, why do I feel the urge to share all my pitiable woes with the online world? It's not even fulfilling because I seldom get feedback. I've heard from a few scholarly sources lately that shared pain brings empathy. Is that why I want to complain? If I think back to when I lived with my half the members of my social group, I would have never communicated with them like I communicate with facebook; complaining seems more destructive to relationships than helpful, so maybe there's a balance that breeds empathy.

I wrote most of this last night after attending a lecture for math majors with my husband, and after falling on the ice on my way to work (hurting my hands and ripping my pants), and after I was unprepared for group work in my new writing class after trying hard all morning. I'm doing better today, but I was frustrated and wanted to vent about a lot of things, and couldn't think of a healthy way to do it. So I guess this is less complete venting, but helped me think about it and put things in perspective.

More Goals

Here's another for the list of New Year's resolutions... QUIT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS!!!! Even though I know that they're human (and sometimes know what their particular human flaws or personal crucibles are), I keep comparing my worst average with their best average. It's not healthy either when I think I'm better than others. Self-worth doesn't come from comparison.

I know, I know what I need to do; I just need to make myself do it. I'm tired of feeling mournful and self-deprecating when I see the success of others.

I need to remind myself where my worth comes from. I keep focusing on all my weaknesses and then feel selfish and pathetically seek validation from others (especially over the internet, by hoping for hits or comments on facebook or my blogs). Super lame, and I want it to stop.

And good grief, I want to figure out what I want to do in life! Something to be passionate about that will help me see more meaning in my life. I want to contribute or make a difference or something... I want to be a valuable part of something helpful. Not just a useless bump on a log monitoring facebook, pinterest, email, and blogs all day. Gah. But what to do, what to be??

Week Two Review

So, the last few days of school have been horribly unproductive and unfocused. I think that that will improve as I get more into the swing of things after shaking up my school and work schedule in the last few days.

I haven't gotten my footing yet for my new writing class, so I'll need to power through the last two weeks of class notes before Tuesday morning.

I also realized that I should submit my labwork by the end of lab day, because otherwise I'll forget all the explanations from class when I go to submit it a week later.

My audiology classes are both going well for now. I haven't been paying super close attention in class because one class is a repeat from last semester and the other class seems like it should be easy to learn.

Sometimes I wish my family history class met more than once a week. I get so pumped about research on class day, then it slowly move to the back of my mind during the week.

That actually covers all my classes! Just 5 of them, which will probably feel overwhelming as I have more assignments and quizzes coming up, but for now, I'm okay. I'm not failing yet, and I don't think I will this semester. I am so ready for the coming 3-day weekend! We have family in town, so we're planning some good quality time with them and looking for ways to maximize some family history gathering.

And again, I really can't describe how wonderful it is to have people I know in class (and seeing them outside of class sometimes too). I feel so much more invested. I care so much more about going to class, participating in class, and wanting to do well together. It goes so much deeper than having an accessible study-buddy for test time. I feel much happier for it.

Changing My Mind

I switched to a different writing class. Basically, it came out during class on Tuesday that I have differing opinions from my classmates on sensitive issues, so I ran away from the class because I was afraid (I'd hoped to keep my opinions private). It's not that religious studies is inherently controversial, but it can be a delicate topic to dance around because of the people involved. I prefer to stay on the safe side of the line, and I'm afraid of how I might react to people when I'm challenged/attacked. 

I went to my old roommate's English class and like the professor's presentation, so now I'm in "Writing about Art and Humanities." I had thought it would be like my freshman humanities course, but I liked the presentation style, and the instruction can be generalized to writing well in any genre. I don't know if I'll be able to write my research paper on family history or not, but I like what I've seen of the class so far. And with my old roommate in class, I can have a study buddy. 

I'll maybe give classes another week to evaluate if I need to meet with the teachers monthly, like I had planned on.

There are still a lot of things that I want to continue learning, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to take university classes for them or not. But with figuring out my schedule, I'm identifying family history and writing as two things that I care about and want to learn better. Maybe I was supposed to learn certain lessons from my current major that I would have missed out on if I had gone with a major that I would choose in retrospect. I guess that regardless of the past, the only direction I can go is forward.

A Night With the Opera

Sometime during the past week, my husband and I had a chill night at home and snuggled up to watch a DVD of Mozart's The Magic Flute. True to form, the opera was performed auf Deutsch, and the English subtitles were well done and unobtrusive. I've seen it once before in person, and apparently at the time, they added in a couple funny things that aren't in the standard production, so I missed those this time around. It was a great movie to watch with my husband because we both got our (little bit of) German refreshed, and there were lots of themes and ideas to mull over afterwards. The visual and acoustic art was a pleasure to observe as well. My husband is a great "active consumer;" I love how he doesn't passively absorb things, and rather thinks them over, evaluating them for truth, and pondering what they mean and how things fit together. He really tries to make everything he does a valuable part of his life.

In short, it was a good night and I feel just a little classier for it :)

*Speaking of class, I've been on both ends of the "classy dress" spectrum so far this semester. I want to be dressing nicer, so on those days I think I've looked pretty classy. Other days though are definitely on the t-shirt/sweatshirt end. The sweatshirt days, in my defense, were when the outside temperature was in the single digits, and occasionally had a "-" in front. I feel like I don't have many days in the middle of the road between t-shirts and pearl earrings.*

Bleh

Long story short, I'm trying to figure out if I want to change my writing class this semester and figure out what I can and want to do after graduation to keep learning what I want to learn.

I'm not feeling super optimistic because to do post-graduate classes at a university, particularly at my "alma mater," I'll need to convince people that I'll be a good student and that I'll be able to contribute to the world with what I've learned. I don't know that I can convince them that this is actually to learn about what I discovered I wanted to study instead of what I was forced by deadlines to study, and that it isn't a fluffy accessory because I don't want to leave the university. We'll see. It just sounds harder than I expected, and I'm not sure what to do. I should probably just focus on one problem at a time.

Accountability

Just a quick update, because an important purpose of this blog is to keep me accountable:

Homework report. Because it's something I really struggle with.

I don't think I've missed any homework for my audiology class yet. I should probably double check online to see if there's any quizzes coming up (because last semester they weren't really announced, so I always forgot about them), but I did well on the one we've had so far.

I'm back on track for family history. I haven't been keeping a good record of how much time I've spent or what I've done so far, but I set up a research log today and wrote down what I could remember. I also met with my teacher today to pick my family to research for the semester, so that assignment is done on time. I additionally asked my teacher for some ideas about my writing class...

I'm not doing well in keeping up with the readings and assignments for the writing class. Keeping up with reading has actually been one of my worst college skills... But my family history teacher gave me a really good idea to write about for this class! (Hence my last post). I'll probably work on playing catch-up between work and class tomorrow morning.

My speech class is kinda so-so on the homework. I forgot that there was a reading quiz due tonight until I got an email from another student, so I got in touch with my friend in class and borrowed his book and took the quiz (which was ridiculously easy, fortunately). I got started watching the first lecture online last week, but never finished it. I've got until Wednesday to get caught up in that class before our next lab. Speaking of which, I just remembered that there was an online assignment to submit for the first lab... which thankfully is due on Wednesday. Guess I'll be finishing that tomorrow!

I think that covers all the classes I have homework in! There's obviously room for improvement, but I've made improvement since Saturday. That feels kinda good :)

And, we had friends over for dinner tonight. So I'm/we're doing better in being social too.

Family History: For The Win!

My brand new facebook status, only 2 minutes old:

YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! I talked to my family history professor and identified which family I'll research for the semester, and I'm super pumped for learning how to be an effective genealogy researcher. And, better yet - she gave me some fantastic ideas for how I can still write about family history for my religious studies class!!! We're supposed to write a 30-page research paper, and she wants to read my finished product! SO COOL!!!!!

Her idea was to use some slightly-obscure-and-extremely-specific genealogical records as a case study to compare with the doctrinal shift in the LDS sealing work starting in the 1870's (shifting from the adoptive "Let's get sealed to the prophet, because we know he's going to heaven," to the familial, "Let's get sealed to our parents and unite humanity into one glorious family"). This sounds like it will give me a chance to connect learning my own family history with the academia of religious studies and satisfy both my fulfillment and my English professor's expectations for the semester. SWEET!!!

Good Literature

I've been working through a collection of G.K. Chesterton short stories, essays, and poetry over the last month.

It. Is. Delightful.

A couple of his stories were on the darker side (like killing off the first story's narrator at the end of the second story), but on the whole, his wit is astounding. He lived from the mid-1870s to the mid-1930s and was an English fellow. Chesterton is a thoughtful and entertaining writer who traverses both the shallow and deep waters in the same sentence. I would love to own a collection of his writing someday - just a book to include in my personal library. He is an author I love turning to again and again.

I found an old to-read book list and wanted to include it here for later reference:

- Fahrenheit 451
- Edenbrooke (done!)
- Inheritance series (by Christopher Paolini. I started but never finished)
- revisit the Tennis Shoes series (again, started as a child, never finished)
- The Seventh Seal series
- David McCullough
- Jane Austen
- Wheel of Time series (the last book finally came out recently)
- Paradise Lost
- Hugh Nibley
- more C.S. Lewis

First Week Analysis

Alright, so here are my evaluations of my classes thus far:

Audiology 1 - Retaking this class from last semester. I think the professor recognizes me, but I'm not sure. Because it's a retake and my old roommate is in the class with me, I'm anticipating that it will be easier to study this time around. So far we've had a 60-point quiz that I did well on. So far, so good.

Audiology 2 - I'm excited for this class. I don't know what to expect of the subject material yet, but our grade consists of 5 exams over the course of the semester. No homework! That's really good for me. The teacher seems to have some common interests with me, so I may ask her for book recommendations sometime.

Family History - This class sounds more rigorous than I anticipated. It only meets once a week, but has a lot of work associated with it. I'll really have to stay on the ball with this one, because the type of work involved is stuff that I can't procrastinate and still do well on. Because of the parameters of the class, I don't know if the research I do will be useful, but it will teach me skills I can apply to families that need the research.

Speech Pathology - The structure of this class is extremely intriguing, and is working well so far. We watch/listen to lectures online, then spend classtime running through "experiments" on our computers together. I really like and admire this professor a lot, so I'm anticipating that this class will go well, even though I'm not sure about liking the material yet.

Writing - This class will be a lot of work, and personally challenging. The subject of the class is writing in religious studies, and the goal is publication. I'm not so sure I want or have anything to publish in the area. It's a smaller class, which is something that will be really good for me. I'm also wary just because sometimes it's an edgy subject for me, because academia often preaches from an agnostic or atheistic perspective, and this professor wants us to treat religion academically... So we'll see how it goes.

I had some meaningful spiritual time at home yesterday, so I want to make sure it sticks. It'll take one step at a time until I'm firmly in the direction I want to go, so nothing feels certain yet, but I think I can get there. I think the earnest sincerity and desire that I've been missing is coming back, so that's the first step; now I need to start doing things and putting faith into action. God is helping me change my heart, and I'm really grateful to Him for that.

As it's the first week of the semester, I'm still getting acquainted with my schedule. It looks like I'll have a lot of unstructured time on campus between classes, and I haven't done very well so far in using that time appropriately. I'm making little baby steps here and there, but I need to do better if I want to survive past the second week of classes. Part of it might be remedied by keeping a log of what work needs to be done when, so I'm trying to figure out a good way to do that. I'm still evaluating which classes I'll likely need to consult monthly with my professors about (like I proposed in a previous post).

Something that's making a big difference in my happiness so far is having people to connect to this semester. I know at least one person in every class! And my friends are more interested in hanging out and staying in touch this semester (I guess that for a couple of them, the last semester was lonely, too). We had a short girls' night yesterday and I really enjoyed swapping stories, listening to each other, being goofs, and just feeling the love and support for each other. My brother is here at school too, so hopefully between schoolwork and friends, I'll be able to fill my time well during my husband's extended hours on campus.

Now that the first week of classes is almost over, I have a better idea of what I need to do in order for this semester to be successful, so hopefully in some measure, I'll attain some kind of success this time around. I'll keep this updated so I can see my progress!

An Inspiring and Comforting Read

Someone posted an awesome talk on facebook today, one that I loved and wished I had read every semester of my college career. It really hit home for me, and is important to my purpose in this blog. It's called "What is Your Calling in Life?" by Jeffrey A. Thompson, given at Brigham Young University a few years ago. Here's the text of it:

*****

Twenty-five years ago my dad dropped me off at Deseret Towers for my freshman year at BYU. I felt lonely in my dorm that first night, so I took a walk around campus at dusk. I remember looking at all of these stately buildings and envisioning their walls reverberating with great thoughts and words of wisdom. I was awestruck. In fact, I think that was the night I fell in love with BYU.

Now, as a BYU professor, I have the humbling responsibility to be one of the voices reverberating within the hallowed walls. I often question whether I measure up. But I’m unspeakably grateful to do the work I do and to do it here at BYU. I believe I have found my calling in life, and it brings me immense joy.

I’d like to ask each of you a personal question. What is your calling in life? If you don’t know yet, how will you find out?

I have asked those questions to hundreds of students over the years. Usually, it creates a lot of anxiety. Some of you lose sleep over which class to take next semester, let alone what you should be when you grow up. Some of us grown-ups haven’t really figured it out either. For many, deciding what to do with your life can feel like a personal crisis that doesn’t go away.

As I begin my remarks, I want you to understand that finding my calling in life was not easy. My career path was circuitous, and I often felt great anxiety about it. I always knew I wanted to care passionately about my work, but for years I had no idea what that work should be. Several times I felt utterly adrift, as if I had somehow missed the path I should have taken and could never get back on it. In hindsight, those moments are important parts of the tapestry of my career. Each thread that felt out of place at the time now provides structure to the pattern of my life. They helped me distinguish and define my calling. I learned, to quote Romans 8:28, that all things do indeed “work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (emphasis added).

My aim today is to encourage you to think about your future life’s work without the anxiety—because when we ponder our calling in life through the lens of the restored gospel, we don’t need to feel anxious.

First, we need to explore what we mean by a “calling in life” to see whether the idea fits within the framework of the restored gospel. Actually, the idea of a professional calling is not ancient. It was brought into focus by Martin Luther, who revolutionized how the world looked at work. Prior to Luther, people viewed work as a necessary evil at best. The ancient Greeks considered work a galling distraction from the more sublime pursuits of the mind—a view that allowed them to justify slavery so that the elite class could focus on thinking great thoughts. Some early Christian traditions believed that work kept men from the holier pursuit of contemplating God’s greatness, and thus justified a monastic life devoid of labor, and sometimes even service.

Luther, however, saw the fallacy in these beliefs. His study of the Bible convinced him that work is how we participate in God’s providence toward His children. Lee Hardy, a scholar of Luther’s teachings, noted, “As we pray each morning for our daily bread, people are already busy at work in the bakeries” (Lee Hardy, The Fabric of This World: Inquiries into Calling, Career Choice, and the Design of Human Work [Grand Rapids, Michigan: William B. Eerdmans Publishing, 1990], 48).

Luther also taught how to find your calling. It was pretty simple: your calling was to do whatever your station in life dictated. If you grew up in a cobbler shop, your calling was to devote yourself to making shoes. And doing so, you participated in the work of God by covering the feet of His children. Luther believed that virtually any type of work could be a calling, so long as it rendered service to mankind.

John Calvin elaborated on Luther’s ideas in a way that may make them seem a little more applicable to us today. For Calvin, it wasn’t our position in the social structure that determined God’s calling for us. Rather, he argued that God endows each of us with particular talents and gifts, and that it is our calling to discover those gifts and to seek out ways to use them in the service of our fellowmen. As he put it, “For as God bestows any ability or gift upon any of us, he binds us to such as have need of us and as we are able to help” (quoted in Hardy, The Fabric of This World, 62; also in Sermons of M. John Calvin upon the Epistle of Saint Paul to the Galatians [London: Lucas Harison and George Bishop, 1574], 307; translation modified).

So the very roots of the idea of a professional calling are distinctly religious. Ironically, the world still embraces the notion of a professional calling, but it has almost entirely abandoned the spiritual roots of the idea. As sociologist Max Weber put it, “The idea of duty in one’s calling prowls about in our lives like the ghost of dead religious beliefs” (Max Weber, The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism, trans. Talcott Parsons [New York: Dover, 2003], 182).

Because society has drifted from the spiritual moorings of calling, it has developed some odd and distorted doctrines about finding your calling. In fact, I would like to refer to a few of these doctrines as heresies. That may seem like a strong word, but I believe it’s fitting because if we were to embrace these worldly doctrines, they would lead us far afield from how the Lord intends us to view our life’s work. I submit to you that these heresies are the very things that cause us so much anxiety when we are trying to decide what our calling in life is. So if we appeal to the restored gospel to dispel these heresies, we can replace anxiety with faith and hope.

The first heresy I’d like to discuss gets right to the heart of our anxiety. It is: “You might have a calling if you are lucky, or you might not.” To dispel this heresy, let’s look at a scripture I use as the theme for many of my classes. You have heard it many times, but I’d like to point out something that you may have missed. In D&C 58:27, the Lord asks His children to “be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness.” You might be tempted to think, “Well, that scripture refers to church work. It’s not really relevant to my career.” Are you sure about that? Would the Lord so pointedly command us to be anxiously engaged in good causes if he wanted us to spend a huge portion of our waking hours—eight to five, for instance—simply punching a clock? The Lord asks us to do “many things” in service to good causes. Why should our work not be one of them?

Now, here’s the part you may not have thought about—I certainly hadn’t until a few years ago: After the Lord charges us to anxiously pursue good causes, the next verse begins: “For the power is in them” (D&C 58:28). Think about that. The Lord hasn’t just told you to pursue good causes, He has equipped you with power to do so. You—you personally—are full of divine capacities to do good that you probably don’t even fully appreciate.

These verses testify that you are not part of a lottery system for life callings. You have a calling in life: to pursue good causes. And you have been given power to do just that.

But knowing that you have power to do good works is one thing; knowing specifically what you ought to do is quite another. How do you find your particular calling? That’s the burning question for many of us.

Some are lucky enough to know at an early age what they are meant to do. Doctors, writers, and artists, for instance, often realize during childhood that they have a gift and never have to agonize about what work they will do. Most of us are not so fortunate, though. We are perplexed by a dizzying array of college majors, service opportunities, and job choices—many of which seem interesting, but perhaps none of them speak definitively to our souls. That was how I felt as an undergraduate at BYU. At various times I seriously considered becoming an attorney, a businessman, a linguist, a federal government official, and a seminary teacher—never a professor, by the way. I liked all of those ideas but was overwhelmed by uneasiness every time I got close to committing to one of them.

The anxiety you might feel about choosing a career brings up the second heresy that we can dispel through an appeal to gospel truth. It is: “You have to find your one true calling in order to be fulfilled.”

This heresy should remind you of your favorite fairy tale in which the princess finds her “one true love.” Let’s consult the scriptures again to see if they support the idea of a unique perfect fit.

D&C 46 enumerates many spiritual gifts that you might have been given—gifts of teaching, healing, or language. Some of these gifts don’t seem particularly relevant to choosing a profession. But let’s see what else the Lord tells us about spiritual gifts. Verses 11 and 12 read:

For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.

To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

Note that there are many gifts, that they are distributed differently among us, and that they are given so we can bless one another. But the Lord does not say that He has listed every possible gift. In fact, Elder Bruce R. McConkie said that “spiritual gifts are endless in number and infinite in variety”(Bruce R. McConkie, A New Witness for the Articles of Faith [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1985], 371). Could this endless and infinite list include spiritual gifts relevant to our professional lives? We know that all things are spiritual to the Lord, so yes, of course our spiritual gifts have everything to do with our professional callings.

In fact, finding our calling in life involves the same process as discovering our spiritual gifts. Elder Robert D. Hales has provided some insight on this process:

To find the gifts we have been given, we must pray and fast. . . . I urge you each to discover your gifts and to seek after those that will bring direction to your life’s work and that will further the work of heaven. [Robert D. Hales, “Gifts of the Spirit,” Ensign,February 2002, 16]

As you consult your spiritual gifts, you may find that you don’t feel an urgent pull to practice medicine or educate children, for instance. Maybe instead you just like working with people. That is the most common thing I hear from students who are perplexed about what type of work they should do. If you think your spiritual gifts lie somewhere in that ambiguous area, I challenge you to delve much deeper into what your specific gifts are. How do you like working with people? Our strongest gifts tend to appear early in life, so it might help if you think back on your childhood and about how and what you played. Were you the kid that always got the neighborhood baseball game going? Maybe you have a spiritual gift for organizing others into collective action. Were you a natural storyteller? Maybe you have a spiritual gift for presenting ideas in a compelling and dramatic way. Were you the person who other kids always sought out for sympathy and acceptance? Maybe you have a spiritual gift for listening and discerning others’ emotions. Other types of gifts that you may notice in yourself include the ability to praise others effectively, to identify and encourage others’ talents, to organize information in a concise manner, and to see a problem from multiple angles.

These sorts of gifts may not suggest a particular career path to you, and that may seem like a disadvantage. I challenge you to try thinking differently. The gifts I have just listed have market value. They are also highly portable. You might express those gifts in many professions or organizations. Consequently, finding your calling in life may not be a matter of finding the one right job. Instead, it may be that your calling is to bring your unique spiritual gifts to whatever position the Lord blesses you with.

If you exercise faith in the Lord, follow His spirit, and seek to amplify your gifts, you will be led gradually to a place where you are well equipped to serve. I have seen it happen over and over. I have a colleague, tremendously respected in his field, who became an auditor—not by long-term planning, but by a series of minor circumstances that led him gradually and unintentionally to his profession. He could never have predicted the fulfillment his career would give him. We usually can’t predict exactly where our gifts will lead us. But in retrospect, we will see the hand of the Lord leading us from door to door and opportunity to opportunity as we exercise and hone our spiritual gifts.

This principle is particularly important in today’s economy. We faculty are keenly aware of how challenging it is for our students to find jobs today. You cannot control the economy. As a result, there is a temptation to feel like a victim or to give in to despair. When you are negatively affected by unstable economic conditions, focus on your gifts, which are stable. You may have to take a job that is below your level of qualification. If so, perform the work with drive, and use your gifts to put your unique stamp on your contributions. Doing so will increase your chances of finding better employment later.

You may even suffer joblessness for a time. Research shows that unemployment can have a devastating long-term impact on self-confidence, on health, and on happiness. I submit that having a sense of calling is part of your inoculation against the vicissitudes of the job market. Know yourself. Know what your gifts are. And define yourself by your gifts—not by your lack of a job. Contrary to what the world might tell you, you don’t have to have a job to express your calling in life. If the world at present is not willing to pay you for what you can do, then donate your spiritual gifts to worthy causes—perhaps through public service or volunteering—until the value of those gifts becomes so evident that people want to pay you a fair wage for them. Even in a booming economy, you may have to create your own opportunities to fulfill your calling in life. Despite what most fairy tales imply, real-life princes and princesses don’t just wait around for their dreams—or dream jobs—to come true.

Speaking of dream jobs brings us to the third heresy: “When you find your calling, work will be bliss.” This is a particularly pervasive heresy today. The media implores you to build a career that is exciting and intensely fulfilling. Now, I am certainly an advocate of enjoying your work! But it is a distortion of the idea of calling to think that work should always be fun.

As an example, let me share with you the story of some people I have recently studied: zookeepers. I chose to study zookeepers because they are passionate about the work they do, even though they make little money and have few opportunities for career advancement. Learning about what “calling” means to zookeepers was eye-opening. As you might expect, zookeepers find their work very meaningful. They care for their animals as if they were their own children, and they feel great satisfaction when they can enrich their animals’ lives and maintain their health. They believe deeply in conservation and see themselves as educators of the public about species preservation. By and large, they are almost outrageously satisfied with their work.

But is every day fun for them? Hardly. When zookeepers talked about their work as a calling, they spoke not just about satisfaction but also about sacrifice—caring for sick animals in the middle of the night, doing unsavory work, foregoing a comfortable living, and the list goes on. I learned something tremendously important from my study of zookeepers. For them, the pain and burdens and sacrifice were not threats to their sense of calling—they were part of it. The work was meaningful because of the trials and burdens. That is an important lesson. We can’t expect deep meaningfulness from our calling unless we are willing to assume its burdens as well.

Joseph Campbell, a professor of literature who studied and taught about hero myths, introduced the phrase “follow your bliss” back in the 1970s. The idea was that heroes don’t chase money or prestige; they look into their hearts to find their passion and then pursue it (see Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers, The Power of Myth, ed. Betty Sue Flowers [New York: Doubleday, 1988]). Now you see the phrase “follow your bliss” everywhere. Later, Campbell developed misgivings about how people were using the phrase. It was reported that he quipped, “What I should have said was, ‘Follow your blisters.’” Brothers and sisters, you may do the most important, exciting work in the world. Nonetheless, some days will be mundane and no fun at all—kind of like the days I spend grading papers. You will be called upon to sacrifice. Don’t expect deep meaning without paying the price for it.

A related heresy is: “Finding a calling means that the world will take notice.” If you expect the world to loudly applaud your calling in life, you may be disappointed. This point reminds me of one of the zookeepers I interviewed. One day when he was busily caring for an animal, a nun came by with a group of her students. Within earshot of the zookeeper she said, “See the kind of job you get when you don’t finish your education!” Ironically, the zookeeper actually had a college degree.

I would like to tell you about my friend Barb, who was a custodian at my previous university. She was a tiny dynamo of a woman probably in her early 50s. Every afternoon she came into my office, a smiling flurry of activity, to take out my trash. She often asked if there was some special task she might do to make my office cleaner. I rarely took her up on her offer, but I came to realize that it really made her happy when I did. One day I asked her, “Barb, how do you feel about your job?” She beamed. “I love it,” she said. “I’m so happy to be a part of this school and just really like making it a better place. Plus,” she added proudly, “I’m really good at it.” And she was! Barb did make the university a better place. It occurred to me that when I saw her enthusiasm, it made me want to be a better professor. I wish I had told her that, but I don’t recall ever doing so.

I challenge you to look for examples of nobility among those who do the so-called menial tasks all around you. You will find many inspiring examples of people who use their spiritual gifts to serve in quiet but remarkable ways. We do great violence to the souls of those who offer their callings in less-glamorous ways when we consider them invisible or treat them as minor cast members in the great drama of our professional lives. The Savior saw nobility in “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40). And getting to know the Barbs in your life will inspire you to be your best in whatever you are called to do.

If you find your calling leads you to work that is less than glamorous, take heed to what John Calvin said: “No task will be so sordid and base . . . that it will not shine and be reckoned very precious in God’s sight” (quoted in Hardy, The Fabric of This World, 90; also in John Calvin, The Institutes of the Christian Religion, ed. John T. McNeill, trans. Ford Lewis Battles [Philadelphia: Westminster, 1960], 3.10.6, 725). The Book of Mormon also promotes an egalitarian spirit about work. Among the Nephites, priests probably held more status than anyone but the king. And yet, Alma 1:26 tells us that even priests were to labor for their own support, with the priest “not esteeming himself above his hearers, for the preacher was no better than the hearer, . . . and thus they were all equal, and they did all labor, every man according to his strength.” It is a heresy that work is meaningful only when it gives us status and esteem. When we work to impress or outshine others, we violate the Lord’s vision of work.

Now, I’d like to speak to you about the last and most insidious heresy about work. It’s insidious because it’s almost true. The heresy is: “Meaningfulness in life is to be found at work.” This idea has become a foundational doctrine of the world. Many people identify themselves primarily by their professions. Once again, I emphasize that I am in favor of working passionately. However, there is a danger that meaningful work might distract us from the weightier matters of eternal life. As one wise person noted, in the eternal scheme of things, our jobs will someday seem to us like playthings. Work is simply one stage upon which we can act out our service to God and our fellowmen.

The fifth heresy is almost true because our worthwhile work can indeed give us a sense of meaning. But the idea that meaning comes primarily from our work entirely misses the point, because it focuses on the self. Imagine, if you would, a great artist who creates stunning and inspiring masterpieces but then hoards them in her attic, where only she can enjoy them. Certainly she may take pleasure in her creations, but it is through enriching others that the artist makes her contribution to the world. As the fifth heresy suggests, we can indeed find personal meaning in our work, but the real point is that the Lord expects us to render meaningful service through work. True meaning, as always, comes from service.

Allow me to share a simple experience from my mission. As I was nearing my release date, I anticipated a sense of loss when I could no longer give all my time to serving God. At a zone conference, my mission president opened the floor for Q&A on any topic. I raised my hand and asked, “After our missions are over and we are no longer full-time servants of God, how can we keep a sense of purpose?” Before the mission president could answer, his wife leapt to her feet and, literally elbowing him aside, said, “I’ll take this one.”

I will never forget her response. As near as I can recall, she said, “When I do the laundry, I am building the kingdom of God. When I scrub the floors, I am serving the Lord. When I tidy the clutter, I’m an instrument in His hands. I do a lot of mundane jobs, but if my eye is single to God and I’m trying to serve my family, then I feel as much purpose in my work as a missionary can.” Those words remind me of what King Benjamin said about laboring in the fields to support himself—a decidedly unkingly occupation. He said, “I do not desire to boast, for I have only been in the service of God” (Mosiah 2:16).

So perhaps the state of our hearts is as important as the tasks we do in determining whether our work is truly—and eternally—meaningful. D&C 117 reinforces this idea. In this section, the Lord extends a professional calling to Oliver Granger. He is called to Zion, where “he shall be made a merchant unto my name . . . for the benefit of my people” (verse 14). What’s striking is that two verses later, the Lord promises to “overthrow the moneychangers in mine own due time” (verse 16). So what is the difference between a merchant unto the Lord’s name and a moneychanger whom the Lord will expel? The work they do must look very similar. But in the case of Oliver Granger, he was called to do his work in the service of God and man, not in the service of himself, and certainly not in the service of his own bank account.

We need to be very cautious about our motives for the work we do. It’s tempting to say, “I serve my family when I’m at home, I serve God when I’m at church, and I serve my career when I’m at work.” This approach moves us perilously close to becoming moneychangers. We must see our work as but another extension of the Lord’s commandment to serve His children and “bring to pass much righteousness.”

How does this measure up to the world’s teaching that you have to take care of number one, climb the corporate ladder, get ahead? One of the great gospel ironies is that when we lose ourselves, we find ourselves. Work is much the same. I testify that when you focus your work first and foremost on blessing others, you will become extraordinary at what you do and will find fulfillment and success much more reliably than if you spend your time at work trying to get ahead or get rich. My brothers and sisters, work to serve! Remember the words that greet you at the gateway of the university: “Enter to learn; go forth to serve.”

In closing, I testify that our Heavenly Father is intimately involved in the doors that open for us and in the circumstances that lead us to the places we should be—the places where we are equipped, with power, to serve. Have faith that your unseen Navigator will lead you gradually to your life’s calling.

I also testify that, as with all important questions, when it comes to asking what our calling in life is, Jesus Christ is in the answer. The grace of Christ, that same power that helps us do things we otherwise couldn’t, is what will guide us to our callings and enable us to excel in them. You can call upon the grace of Christ to help you with your professional calling. In fact, He pleads with us to do so. In Alma, He invites us to pray over our flocks (see Alma 34:20). Even if we are not shepherds by trade, we all tend professional flocks, and He is mindful of them. Knowing that helps us expel anxiety.

Lastly, may I conclude with a personal word to you students here at BYU. We, the faculty, love you. You are our flocks. You are our calling in life. And the finest expression of our labors will be the good that you do in the world with the things you learned at BYU. My dear brothers and sisters, follow your bliss, follow your blisters, and go forth to serve. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

© Brigham Young University. All rights reserved.

Dream Trips

I was talking with some well-traveled friends last night, and it reminded me of all that I loved when I traveled abroad. I would love to go back and explore further the places I've visited and lived, but I would love to explore new places too.

If I ever go back to Europe, my priority would be to visit the home countries and towns of my ancestors. Between my husband and I, we would probably need to visit the UK, Denmark, and Switzerland.

The places I've been in Europe have mostly been central/eastern and Germanic, which has been lovely. It would also be fun, though, to visit the countries of the Romance languages: Portugal, Spain, France, Italy, and maybe Romania.

I only have a little bit of Irish ancestry, but the pictures I've seen of the Irish countryside are beautiful.

One of my "dream places" a few years ago was Jerusalem and the Holy Land. It's such a different culture, and is a meeting place for many old cultures. The religious and secular history of the region is fascinating.

I don't know much about "the East", but India seems especially intriguing to me in the region. A college roommate introduced me to Bollywood films, and my husband, father, and father-in-law have all gone on business trips there. I know that it's a poor country that's been glamorized in film, but there seem to be some really beautiful things there too.

One question that I pondered for months after my study abroad was "What makes America unique, special, or different?" (An Austrian law student challenged me with that question two days into my stay). As I was talking with my friends, one introduced this poem, which I thought was pretty cool. As he read it aloud, he finished it with the reverence of a prayer. I guess I haven't been gone long enough to feel it deeply yet. "America for Me" by Henry Van Dyke, written in 1909. It ends:

I know that Europe's wonderful, yet something seems to lack: The Past is too much with her, and the people looking back. But the glory of the Present is to make the Future free,--We love our land for what she is and what she is to be. 

Oh, it's home again, and home again, America for me! I want a ship that's westward bound to plough the rolling sea To the blessed Land of Room Enough beyond the ocean bars, Where the air is full of sunlight and the flag is full of stars. 

Languages

So, this conversation happened at work yesterday as I was restocking things:

Customer: Gracias!
Me: De nada.
Customer: Bien hecho!
Me: Danke.

For anyone who speaks only English, the conversation went like this.

Customer: Thanks! (Spanish)
Me: You're welcome. (Spanish)
Customer: Well done! (Spanish)
Me: Thanks. (German)

Sooo... I've got some brushing up I need to do. I learned a LOT of Spanish growing up, but seldom spoke it; on my study abroad I learned only a little German, but spoke that little bit all the time. Now, I hardly speak any language besides English, so I'm getting pretty rusty.

The most realistic way for me to improve my language skills will be to read The Book of Mormon in each language. I've already done it in Spanish (back in high school), but haven't gotten far in the German. I need to work on speaking skills as well, but I can't say something that's not in my head, right? I'm already very familiar with the text in English, and it's something simple I can stick to until it becomes more of a habit.

Also, as much as I despair to admit it, I might need to add "Learn French language" to my list of goals. My husband speaks it, and it just seems like a good academic language to be familiar with. At the very least, I ought to learn how to pronounce the words... I just don't want to sound like an ignoramus when I'm being quizzed on a common language I'm not familiar with.

Insecurity

At my husband's suggestion, I emailed one of my professors today to learn more about his class before the semester starts, in case another class might be a better fit. That was a scary set of emails and syllabus to read over. I had a mild panic attack when I read about the professor's expectations for the class and the amount of work for it.

*I-can't-do-this*I'm-so-not-ready-for-this*Only-really-smart-people-like-my-husband-are-cut-out-for-this-class*He-wants-us-to-do-what??*How-will-I-ever-graduate*Are-there-really-no-better-options*Isn't-there-a-less-painful-way-to-do-this*How-on-earth-have-I-made-it-this-far-through-school*Help-I'm-scared-and-don't-know-what-to-do-or-where-to-run-away-to*

It makes me want to throw my hands up and say, "You win! I'm a faker who managed to pretend to everyone, myself included, that I was smart and good at school, but you caught me! I can't really do this, and I should just quit now." Thankfully, my husband is a gentle, patient comforter who helps me relax and believes that I really can do everything he can in school. He believes that even if I can't do it now, I can get there eventually.

I don't know whether to believe him sometimes, but I know I should. So I'll try to stop panicking and take extra steps to cover my back and hope that things go well. What I'm sure I need most is to sincerely get down on my knees and pray my heart out, then ready my hands to go to work. Can I write an interesting, well-researched 30-page paper on a religious studies topic and get it on the road to publication in a single semester? God only knows, and I'm too afraid to try yet.

New Year's Resolutions

I've never been very good at making or keeping New Year's Resolutions. I often avoid even jumping on the bandwagon this time of year because if I need to make goals, I'm going to make them, and March first is as good as January first for a day to start. I want to take time and thought to make meaningful goals instead of being pressured by traditional deadlines.

One idea that's subtly pressed on my mind lately is how easily I get offended sometimes. When it comes to my husband, I rarely get offended by him, and if I do, it passes quickly. With my siblings, sometimes it takes a little longer to get over offenses. With acquaintances... I usually have to work through it on my own without further conversation with the (usually innocent) offender. I think that further personal contact with someone helps me forgive them faster, but I don't always have that chance, and not seeing someone again shouldn't be an excuse to carry around hurt feelings or a grudge, especially over silly or unintentional things. When I was home over Christmas break, my dad said in passing that one way to be happy is to never get offended, or to believe that no one is ever trying to offend you. So that's something I want to work on.

I'll probably come up with other ideas as well, but the timing of this goal happened to coincide with the New Year.