A Different Kind of Class

Last night my family watched a bunch of family videos - some compilations of photos and some home videos - that brought back a multitude of memories and lots of laughter. Some were of elementary school reports, or kindergarten introductions, ultrasound videos, wedding and anniversary videos, etc.

One that struck me in a different way was my great-grandma Sarah's funeral video. My mom paused the video regularly to identify people she knew in the old photos and I learned a little more about the family I come from. My great-grandma grew up extremely poor, but ended up literally traveling around the world as she got older. The pictures were almost exclusively of Sarah with her family members through the years.

I'm reasonably sure I remember someone saying of my great-grandma that she never looked sloppy and always dressed her best. I thought of that as I watched the old photographs roll by, and I don't believe I ever saw her wearing a t-shirt. I think that's something that our society values less every year - the "it" look is tousled, casual, and at least a touch messy. It's a "lived-in" look; polish and perfection is seen in cold, heartless TV villains. I like the tousled, slightly unkempt style, but I'm wondering if that's the best I can do. I thought about other old-fashioned virtues like punctuality (being early, not on time), selflessness, respect, gratitude, etc as I worked on writing more wedding thank-you cards. Those values are fading too.

So this is another aspect of development that I'm thinking about. A lot of this blog has been directed towards academic classes, but this kind of class is something I want to work on too. Being a more classy person.

Test Prep

I remember in elementary and middle school, we were instructed in the ways we can sort of "hack the test." Upon reflection, it was probably meant for us to do better on standardized tests, but for me it became an excuse to not study. Between what I remembered of the material in lecture and outsmarting the multiple choice questions, I managed to coast by without actually learning the material for keeps.

My first memorable experience of "outsmarting the test" was sometime in high school. In order to test out of the required health class, I had to study the textbook over the summer and get a certain grade on the final when I got back to school. I didn't study super hard, but the problem was that I would be tested on contraceptives, and there wasn't any information on them in the book, so I didn't study it. So when I got the test (all multiple choice answers), I looked at which medicines/procedures/products were grouped together for particular questions and eliminate or assert answers on that basis. I didn't get 100% on that test, but I scored higher than needed to opt out of the class.

One of my finals was like that this week. I remembered some things, but not everything, so I looked at similar questions and made choices based on the grouping of their answers. I'm sure I would have bombed a short answer test, but multiple choice saved the day. I don't know my score yet, but I did as well on that test as I could have, considering it was one of the hardest, most confusing classes I've ever taken.

So I thought it was interesting that the skills I was taught way back when have enabled me to look really good on paper until I got to college, when I realized that I didn't actually know how to study and teachers were less pressured to help me succeed individually. It was meant to help me, but foolish me used it as a crutch and an excuse, and the bad combination will continue to cripple me for even more years, until I can learn how to learn for real.

Next Semester and Reflecting on Trials

This semester I identified early on which class was probably going to be my hardest, and I met with the teacher at the beginning of the semester and explained to him that I had taken the prerequisite class a year ago and would probably get behind and have trouble keeping up with the work. He took it well and said that he would be available anytime I needed assistance. I even managed to meet with the TA's for help once before a midterm. But despite this good start, I didn't have enough momentum to keep the habit as the semester progressed (it didn't help that the professor had to take medical leave for a month and the TA's were confused in the assignments as well; it was just an unfortunate situation all around). It was improvement when compared with past semesters, but once again, it was insufficient to make a difference in the overall outcome.

What I'd like to try next semester is to meet with my teachers right away like I did this semester (though perhaps with more than just one teacher). But, I would like to have regular meetings with my professors/TA's at least once a month throughout the semester to help me stay on track. I want to do it no matter how on top of things (or behind things) I feel and not wait until things have gotten hard. My husband has done really well in teaching me the importance of setting and reporting on goals, instead of making goals and not establishing my accountability for them. It was a scary lesson for me to start learning - because I almost always associate accountability with guilt and shame - but now I see that reporting is a good tool in achieving goals more often. It also really helps to be working in a team.

If my mom reads this, she'll probably say in fun, "I TOLD YOU SO! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME YEARS AGO. I'M SMARTER THAN YOU THINK I AM!". It's true that she has suggested for years that I meet with my professors and TA's early on. Lots of people have tried to help me over the years as I've struggled in college; I love them dearly and am grateful for their help and their support. I think, though, that as true as all that advice has been, it wasn't going to be meaningful or effective for me until I came to the same conclusion myself. I trust you and know that what you're saying is likely true, but it won't become a reality for me until I come to know it on my own. It's not fun, but I guess we all need to struggle sometimes to become deeper people. That's one problem I'm finding, is that I haven't had many struggles that have taken years, not just months or days, to overcome; I've been pretty blessed and had many things come easily, but it means that I haven't had that learning experience yet - this is one of my closest experiences to an "Abrahamic trial" in my life (waiting for a long time for the fulfillment of a promised blessing). I hate having trouble with something that should be so simple and so easy for me to do, and I hate the pressure I put on myself for it, not including the pressure I feel comes from other people, and I hate the academic consequences. But with an eternal perspective, I guess I gain more than I lose from this experience, and that makes it worthwhile. Until I get to that point where I can look back and say, "It was worth it," I just have to operate on faith that God knows what He's doing in giving me specific trials and experiences, and that because of that, I'll be more than simply ok in the end. I don't think God gives us experiences with the intent of shaping us to be simply mediocre.

Freedom Yet?

I'm getting excited for my future as I enact the plans I'm forming here, but for now, finals week is coming... And once again, I'm not doing so hot. I can't wait until I'm free of my undergraduate program constraints (seriously - all the classes for my major are required, and there are no options) so I can take what I want without worrying about grades. Part of me is tempted to try switching to a general studies major like one of my friends who got married and moved across the big pond (the Atlantic) because our major isn't offered online, and online is all she can do anymore. If that would even work, I would feel like I cheated myself. Even though I'm not planning on following my major's professional career path, a bachelor's degree in communication disorders probably sounds better than a bachelor's in general studies. And I just have one semester left with 2 major classes. I can survive that, right?

I can maybe foresee a potential problem next semester though. Of the classes I'm taking, the major classes are the least important to me... and because my other classes will be time-consuming, I'm guessing I'll probably start out with good intentions but abandon my less-fun classes for the meaningful ones... I don't know how I'll pull out of this, but I've only got 4-5 months left until graduation. I can't wait to escape the undergraduate pressure. I just wish I could escape my own habits, too.


***If I haven't written it yet, my husband pointed out that in addition to the religion department, the History department offers regional family history classes; more than are available per semester through the former. So that's another option for classes to take. Maybe I can study English or History or Languages...

***Also, on another unrelated note, I really abhor violence in movies. Maybe I'm immature and should have finished the movie, but I stopped watching West Side Story a half hour before it ended because the characters were being incredibly stupid with their teenage gangs and bravado. I quit during the song about "Keep It Cool, Boy," where they were trying to control their anger and bloodlust for revenge after the gang leaders murdered each other in a fight. I didn't want to watch more teenagers being stupid (sometimes I have a low "stupid tolerance" in movies as well) or more people getting hurt.

Improvement

I think I've said it before, but I'll give a recap: being disappointed about attendance at my bridal shower and reception led me to think about all the times I've been invited to parties or events and didn't go because I procrastinated finding a ride, or I didn't think my presence would make a difference. I wondered if maybe I was missed after all, because I missed friends who didn't come. So part of my social improvement goals has been to get better at getting out of my box, honoring people's invitations, and making the effort to be there.

I did it last night! One of my less-close friends had her fourth annual ugly sweater party last night, and I've probably been invited every year, but never went because I didn't have an ugly sweater and I figured I wouldn't know many people. This year my friend is graduating though, so it was really important to me, at least, to just show up and say hi. And I did it! I didn't stay long because I had to get up for work at 5:30 this morning, but I overcame my usual hesitations and went. Even though I'm not super good friends with this girl, we've lived in the same area for the last few years and she's always been cheerful and super friendly; she seemed glad to see me last night, and that was reassuring.

Work was also really good this morning. I'm a shift supervisor, and we worked out some organizational kinks early in the day, and people were happy, cooperative, and worked hard. It was just a pleasant experience and made me glad for the great people I work with.

Happy :)

My husband and I were chasing down some professors on campus and dropped by several offices in the building that houses the humanities, literature, home economics, philosophy, and foreign language departments.

It. Felt. So. Good.

I don't know whether it was the free chocolate chip cookies from someone's birthday, or the friendly student and full-time secretaries, or my husband's amiable nature with everyone we had a conversation with, or the bright red Christmas stockings on the professors' doors, or the fun and relaxed choir classes we asked about, or remembering my younger aspirations to be an author and/or a polyglot, or the glittery Christmas trees and decorations in the department offices, but it felt good to be there. A pleasant spirit of humanity pervaded the halls and pricked my heart with encouragement.

It felt like home, in a way. It reminded me of my past dreams and suggested that maybe they could still come true someday. We'll have to see.

Thoughts and Answers

I've been doing a "Thirty Days of Thanksgiving" series on my other blogs and on facebook, and the-day-before-yesterday's expression of gratitude relates to this project.

I'm grateful for the gift of the Holy Spirit, conferred on me when I was 8 years old. I'm grateful for its guidance to and confirmation of truth. Even when my mind is swirling with questions and doubts, the Spirit nudges me in the right direction and I'm grateful for that.

I've felt stuck in an emotional rut for several months now, and it makes a lot of things harder; I've mostly had a hard time being optimistic, and it's affected my esteem and whatnot. Sometimes I want to hide my face from God and anyone else who loves me because I'm terrified of inevitably disappointing them and myself with who I am and what I have (or haven't) done. But somehow, a teeny little part of me refuses to give myself up entirely. That part of me is slowly getting a little stronger, and is believing and trusting the Holy Ghost as I feel it.

When I'm at my job, I'm working with people almost the whole time, but maybe just with each person for five minutes, so my longest running conversation during those hours is internal, with myself. When I'm troubled, I meditate even more, and I was feeling troubled this week. It was cool because as I thought about life and thought about my thoughts, I formulated and received some statements and answers and was able to feel the Holy Spirit confirm things that are true, which led me to more thinking in a positive direction.

Here are a few things that crossed my mind and seemed meaningful.

"I shouldn't be here... So why am I?"

There are far too many merciful coincidences that have kept me here in school when I should have flunked out years ago. I'm smart, a good test-taker, often remember things well, and draw connections between things I've previously learned when faced with newer ideas; I just have terrible motivation, discipline, and study habits when it comes to academics. So why am I being preserved? God seems to have a purpose in it... So what is that purpose? Why am I still here?

"I feel like I'll never amount to anything. But I know that if I tried telling God that, He'd give me a look and say that's wrong. So where is the difference?"

There's apparently a difference between God's opinion of what "anything" is and what my opinion of "anything" is, so what is that difference? What does God think is important? What do I think is important? How do I reconcile the difference? God is always right, so I need to adjust my thinking to define myself by what really matters most. Then, how do I live up to God's expectations?

"I haven't been in college to learn - I've been here because it's what I was supposed to do. Will there be a change when I take non-degree-seeking classes because I want to learn the stuff?"

I've taken some classes because I thought they sounded interesting and because I wanted to learn the stuff. German, Child Development, Creative Writing, a class on the book of Isaiah, and various dance classes. Of those though, I think the dance classes were the only ones I put heartfelt effort into. The grading and success are largely based on attendance and outside practice; I wanted to learn it, so I did the things that would help me learn. With the other classes... I balked at the long, research-based essays, tedious listening to subtleties in various vowels, the pages of reading to do before every class, and the homework schedule in a language I couldn't understand... all with grades attached. That was stressful and even scary at times. Some of the classes I enjoyed most were my religion classes with a particular professor that had no homework, used a single text that I was familiar with, and tested mostly on the lecture; all I had to do was show up and soak in the interesting material we discussed. I liked the topics of the other classes, but managing the classwork was hard. Most of my classes, though, I took because they were required. So if I take classes after graduation, especially if I audit them (no grades attached), I think I'll enjoy them a lot more without the homework stress and because I'll want to take them. I really hope that's how it works out.

Lots of words, lots of thoughts, so hopefully I'll make sense of them and be able to apply the good things.

Video

This video came up in my newsfeed on facebook today, and I thought it was pertinent.

I think it's possible to listen to this video and interpret it through a YOLO (you only live once) perspective and go crazy abandoning all responsibilities in life. Most people probably don't adopt that philosophy to quite that extreme, but I think this still presents a powerful, powerful message. Perhaps instead of the comparison between a short, happy life and a long, miserable life, it should be between a poor but happy life versus a rich but miserable life.

When I was picking a major, I was indecisive between things I liked, but I was also concerned about doing something I could support myself with. It's one reason why I turned away from English and education degrees. While that is something to consider, how much money I'll make shouldn't be my biggest reason for pursuing something. Finding something that I'm happy doing will be worth it. Thanks for the words of advice, Alan Watts, whoever you are.

Spiritual Renewal

An important part of this project that I'm missing is the spiritual portion. I've had differing kinds of struggles for a while, and sometimes it feels like I'm struggling to feel any forward momentum. Just trying to get by a day at a time. But I really can't complete this project, this rebirth, without it.

"Verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal...for my commandments are spiritual." -Doctrine and Covenants 29:34-35

Basically, my life experience and gut instinct tell me that I can't succeed without teaming up with God. So to reform the rest of my person, I need to pay due attention to reforming my spiritual self. When you approach it with the right perspective, all things really are spiritual: earning money to provide for your family's well-being is an act of sacrifice and consecration, going to school and learning adds intelligence and enhances your maturity and understanding, cleaning your house is creating order and also sacrifice.

Unless I treat this as a spiritual project as well, I won't make the most important reformations in my life. So in addition to learning all this other skills, I need to improve my scripture reading habits and other things to get myself in a place where I am happier, more optimistic, more loving, and more effective. Spiritual work is the work of becoming.

Family History

Contributing to and learning about my family history last night was a really good experience. I wrote in a couple different journals and did some research online, and I began to experience some emotional healing and felt more connected to my ancestors. 

Today, I had a thought: Could working on my family history be a good vehicle for developing the skills I want? I identified a particular ancestor that I want to pursue, and no one who's published online seems to have any more information than I have, so that means that I'll have to get my hands dirty and do some actual research. I'm taking a British Family History class next semester which should help. I mean, I'm looking for a man with the surname Daines whose trail ends in England in the 1600s - his ancestors must have come from Denmark at some point, right? 

Hardcore researching is something I haven't done in my undergraduate experience; due to my procrastinating nature, any researching opportunities I had in classes were wasted and I only submitted quick, sub-par work. Long-term research on a meaningful project would do a lot of good things for me. Many times I've given up on long projects because I lost interest or focus or discipline, and didn't know how to progress. With family history, there are hundreds of dead-ends that probably just need some extra help (which is more readily available with technology), lots of ways to poke around for information, and many, many people who are also involved in research. 

Also, some useful classes I'm thinking about taking: editing, Danish language, sewing, family history. We'll see how it goes.

Other Matters

I want this Renaissance project to be more than just an education or career thing; I think that becoming a Renaissance woman - theoretically a "master of all trades", like an educated Victorian gentleman or lady, or at least a well-rounded individual - will make me more marketable, but mostly a better person, and that's what gives this project its importance.

So what are some other areas I want to work on?

One thing I thought about yesterday was my people skills. I feel much less awkward and shy when I'm actually in a conversation, compared to how I used to be. But getting into those conversations is still a struggle sometimes. I don't say hi to people I see on campus much anymore, and that's bothering me. I cried for months when I thought about the friends I expected to show up to my bridal shower and wedding reception but who didn't, and I'm ashamed when I wonder how much of that was my fault for not being a better friend. I've been invited to a lot of weddings and bridal showers, and hardly attended any because I figured I wasn't that important to them, or I waited until it was too late to look for a ride. Now I see what an impact that had on me, and wonder if that's how others have felt because of my (in)actions. That's something I should work on now - making sure that people know I value them and that I'm not just a fair-weather friend.

Along with books, I'd like to find other forms of media that are enlightening, well-rounding, and will increase my knowledge of the world. What are some movies or plays or other forms of art that I can acquaint myself with to become more of a Renaissance person? I doubt that they would help me find a job, but they'll help me become a more appreciative, wise woman hopefully. My husband watches TEDtalks regularly, and I often enjoy those. I did a brief research paper about a year ago on Bollywood (Indian) film, and that was intellectually and artistically broadening. It was a good learning opportunity to watch some of the earliest Bollywood movies and see what themes have changed or remained constant over the last 50 years or so. My husband and I also watched some older classic movies when he was pursuing an honors degree, and we both saw a lot of merit in seeing movies like Casablanca. I've seen a few Miyazaki (Japanese) films with my roommates, like Howl's Moving Castle and Ponyo, but I still feel largely unacquainted with Asian culture generally. With movies, I will add this caution though: I am very sensitive to film, especially when it depicts violence. I watched Braveheart with my husband while we were flying to or from our honeymoon; my hesitations about the rating were overcome by my husband's opinion that it promotes great values, so I watched most of it. I will agree that the depth of violence in it is instrumental in communicating the depth of important values, but it was too much for me emotionally. So, powerful, violent movies will likely be off my list, no matter how much they build humanity.

I've probably got a good base of quality music, but any specific song suggestions, especially if they are emblematic of a genre, would be welcome.

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure I will continue musing for a long while.

Continuing Education?

This will be an important part in my reformation process, and I'm not sure how to approach it yet. Here are some thoughts.

My undergraduate degree will be in Speech Pathology. I don't think I realized when I got into the major that a Master's degree was a prerequisite to actually practicing in my field, but it's been increasingly emphasized the closer I've gotten to graduation. As I've not-so-subtly hinted, I haven't done stellarly where schoolwork is concerned, and honestly... the fact that I'm married now and don't have to support myself financially on my own doesn't increase my motivation to force myself through grad school when I really don't want to be there. My husband also pointed out that dropout rates for grad school aren't so good, so in my opinion, pursuing a master's degree in speech pathology right now (if I could even get accepted to a program) sounds like setting myself up for failure. To top it off, my professors have emphasized this semester that after I graduate from a master's program, I'll only be a "well-trained generalist." Again, not very encouraging.

So what are some other options in continuing my education? I visited a couple advisement offices on campuses and got information about some other paths besides speech therapy.

I looked at:
- Master's in Marriage, Family, Human Development
- Master's in Social Work
- Post-baccalaureate accreditation in Genealogy
- Post-baccalaureate accreditation in Elementary Education
- A second bachelor's in Genealogy at another university
- A second bachelor's in Elementary Education at another university

I don't think a master's degree is what I want right now because I'm still unsure of what I want to study. If I were to find something I am passionate enough about and can be qualified for, then sure, maybe I'll give it a go. I'm hesitant about another bachelor's degree as well because I'd probably have to repeat my general education requirements, and I don't know if I want to wait another four years before possibly being qualified for a job I want.

One idea that my husband and I have discussed is taking classes at our current university on a non-degree-seeking basis. We'll be here for at least another year, and I might even be able to work full-time concurrently if I'm just taking one evening class a semester. When I realized that my next semester would be my last, my priorities changed when it came to filling in my schedule, and I just don't have time to take even more electives than I've already taken. And as I'm looking at the workforce with a different perspective now, I'm seeing gaps in my education that I should try to fill in. Maybe I could take classes in accounting, communication, business, genealogy research, editing, or other areas that will strengthen my resume and give me skills that I'll need in the workplace. It'll still bear some thought, but that's probably my tentative plan for now.

Today's Library Trip

My husband is well-equipped to advise me on scholastic and other matters, so he's been a great resource in helping me craft this improvement plan. We stopped by the library on our way home from campus at his suggestion and I picked out some books that we had talked about.

Today's selections are all from G.K. Chesterton, an amusing British author from the first part of the 20th century who one of my friends told me about. At her suggestion a couple years ago, I read from parts of a compilation of his writing and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I checked out:

- The Spirit of Christmas

- Chesterton's Stories, Essays, and Poems

- The Ball and the Cross

- The Collected Poems of G.K. Chesterton

- The Spice of Life

Apparently he was an extremely prolific writer, and I didn't look up these books beforehand, so I hope they turn out to be as entertaining as my first reading was.

Some ideas for the long-term ideal reading list:

- Shakespeare

- Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston

- J.D. Salinger

- The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis

- Crime and Punishment

- Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad

- 100 Years of Solitude (originally a book in Spanish, but I can't find the keyboard symbol to spell it correctly...), Gabriel Garcia Marquez

- Don Quixote de la Mancha, Miguel de Cervantes

- Les Miserables, Victor Hugo

- Siddhartha

- David McCullough

- Things Fall Apart
- The Tortilla Curtain

I also read a novel called Edenbrooke, by Julianne Donaldson, this week and loved it. It's like Jane Austen's novels, but at a much more modern-reader-friendly pace. I felt like it was more than a fluffy romance though - I appreciated the character development and psychology of the narrator. There were some convenient plot turns towards the end, but I felt like it was a fairly genuine and definitely uplifting book. And after reading about the characters' love story, I felt more loving and appreciative towards my husband, which is probably a less-common phenomenon after wives watch sugary chick flicks. This book was a love story with more substance to it.

Some Interests

I didn't declare my major (that I'm graduating in) until my junior year. A really big part of the problem in figuring out what I want to do in life is specializing... There are just a lot of things I enjoy, and it was really hard to pick a major; I ended up basing the decision on two things: it was an open major (no application) and the introductory class was interesting because it seemed to combine several of my interests. As I mentioned, I feel now like my major is kind of a dead end... So, back to square one.

- Writing. I probably started blogging a couple years ago, but I've loved writing for years. Like many of my hobbies, writing for fun fell by the wayside because I got busy with school and other distractions. I loved my creative writing class that I took my sophomore year in college - that's when I learned the value of editing and the power of my own writing. Unfortunately, I didn't get a good grade in that class because I didn't try very hard to keep up in the reading and because as a chronic procrastinator, deadlines haven't been my friends.

- Reading. I was a horribly voracious reader while growing up. The issues were that I would often ignore homework in favor of a delicious novel, and my reading level far surpassed my maturity level, so in middle school I stopped finding books that were sufficiently challenging because the content was more mature than I could handle. I also realized going into high school that I had to stop reading for fun if I was ever going to get homework done. Until recently, I basically just read for fun in the summer. I've slowly started picking up fun books again, but I still have problems putting the book down to take care of responsibilities. For my reading selection, I've mostly reread old favorites and gotten a couple recommendations from my family.

- Languages. I started learning Spanish in third grade and became enchanted with it. I was into American Girl Dolls at the time and Josephina, a nine year-old from colonial New Mexico, had just been introduced; I connected her with what I learned in school and became infatuated with everything I learned about Latin culture. I learned a little linguistics from my sophomore year Spanish teacher and took AP Spanish (advanced placement, a class with a standardized test of completion) my senior year in high school, and fully intended to study German, Italian, and Latin in college. I got to university and took German 101 my first semester. That was a shocker. It had been a long time since I started learning a new language, and the immersion environment in my classroom was overwhelming. I didn't want my GPA to suffer further, so I never went beyond that level. I still love the variety of languages and culture in the world, but my progress in learning them has slowed significantly.

- Crafting. I've always loved sewing and crafting, combining imagination and hands-on ability. My major limits have been time and experience. I remember trying to sew a dress by hand for myself around the time I was in fifth grade; sewing by hand limited the size of my projects, and my techniques were made-up and not very effective (that dress was very simply designed and fell apart quickly). I had a lot of good ideas and would often sketch out ideas for projects, but just didn't have the know-how to execute them. Once again, as I grew older I had less time for fun things like that and had to focus on school. Luckily, being married and maintaining my own frugal home has given me a new opportunity to get back into this again.

- People. This interest has undergone a lot of evolution in my life; naturally, I'm shy, but I really like being with people and getting to know them, and my social graces have improved through college. I like seeing what each person has to offer, and also seeing how people work. AP Psychology was one of the most useful classes I took in high school, and I loved my Human Development class in college; they're both just so applicable in working with people. Growing up, I sometimes felt more adept interacting with kids or hanging out with older people.

- Education. I considered majoring in elementary education, but after meeting with a second-grade teacher, decided that the low paychecks and multitasking weren't worth it (I also had a roommate who taught fifth grade, and could see that it was a lot of work). This is something that I feel pretty passionately about though because education is so influential and because of my difficulties with school. I've thought about educational administration, teaching, reform, alternatives, et cetera, and I'm still not sure where my best fit is.

Other interests of mine have included occasional sketching, cooking (being experimental and successful is a really fun combination), religious studies, composing or performing music (it's been a long time since I picked up my violin, but it met the same story as many other scholastic endeavors - I didn't put work into maintaining it), family history, and ballroom and social dance (I tried to complete the ballroom dance minor in college, but never had a successful audition to go beyond the open enrollment classes). I'll add any others as I think of them, but I think this covers most things.

Another Beginning

I'm close to graduating with my bachelor's degree and have realized once again that I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

To make a long story short, I've been told since elementary school that I'm "living below my potential," and it's finally catching up to me. I look beyond college graduation and simply don't know where to go. I'm disenchanted with my field (speech therapy) which keeps demanding more school before I'm useful, disenchanted with my lack of skills after my undergraduate experience, disenchanted with the job market that seems to only value computer science techies and self-starters, and I'm mostly disenchanted because I've cheated myself out of learning for years.

This blog will serve as my thinking, planning, and reporting place. I might muse on what brought me to this point as a starting reference for reversing those processes. I'll include job-finding strategies and encouragement that my husband passes on to me. I'll hopefully take inventory of what skills, talents, or interests I currently have and consider how to use and improve upon them. Ideally, I'll write about the things I do and evaluate their benefits, and explore future possibilities.

I called this my Renaissance plan because I want to be changed by the process. I want to come out of this experience as a better, smarter, less-entitled, harder-working, more patient, intentional human being. I have a lot of blessings in my life, and I don't want them to go to waste because I was too lazy or too small to make something of them. I want to figure out where I want to go and make it happen.

So that's my game plan: establish a goal, draft a process to get there, and live it deliberately so that I'm invested and it becomes part of who I am. Let the journey commence.