Thoughts and Answers

I've been doing a "Thirty Days of Thanksgiving" series on my other blogs and on facebook, and the-day-before-yesterday's expression of gratitude relates to this project.

I'm grateful for the gift of the Holy Spirit, conferred on me when I was 8 years old. I'm grateful for its guidance to and confirmation of truth. Even when my mind is swirling with questions and doubts, the Spirit nudges me in the right direction and I'm grateful for that.

I've felt stuck in an emotional rut for several months now, and it makes a lot of things harder; I've mostly had a hard time being optimistic, and it's affected my esteem and whatnot. Sometimes I want to hide my face from God and anyone else who loves me because I'm terrified of inevitably disappointing them and myself with who I am and what I have (or haven't) done. But somehow, a teeny little part of me refuses to give myself up entirely. That part of me is slowly getting a little stronger, and is believing and trusting the Holy Ghost as I feel it.

When I'm at my job, I'm working with people almost the whole time, but maybe just with each person for five minutes, so my longest running conversation during those hours is internal, with myself. When I'm troubled, I meditate even more, and I was feeling troubled this week. It was cool because as I thought about life and thought about my thoughts, I formulated and received some statements and answers and was able to feel the Holy Spirit confirm things that are true, which led me to more thinking in a positive direction.

Here are a few things that crossed my mind and seemed meaningful.

"I shouldn't be here... So why am I?"

There are far too many merciful coincidences that have kept me here in school when I should have flunked out years ago. I'm smart, a good test-taker, often remember things well, and draw connections between things I've previously learned when faced with newer ideas; I just have terrible motivation, discipline, and study habits when it comes to academics. So why am I being preserved? God seems to have a purpose in it... So what is that purpose? Why am I still here?

"I feel like I'll never amount to anything. But I know that if I tried telling God that, He'd give me a look and say that's wrong. So where is the difference?"

There's apparently a difference between God's opinion of what "anything" is and what my opinion of "anything" is, so what is that difference? What does God think is important? What do I think is important? How do I reconcile the difference? God is always right, so I need to adjust my thinking to define myself by what really matters most. Then, how do I live up to God's expectations?

"I haven't been in college to learn - I've been here because it's what I was supposed to do. Will there be a change when I take non-degree-seeking classes because I want to learn the stuff?"

I've taken some classes because I thought they sounded interesting and because I wanted to learn the stuff. German, Child Development, Creative Writing, a class on the book of Isaiah, and various dance classes. Of those though, I think the dance classes were the only ones I put heartfelt effort into. The grading and success are largely based on attendance and outside practice; I wanted to learn it, so I did the things that would help me learn. With the other classes... I balked at the long, research-based essays, tedious listening to subtleties in various vowels, the pages of reading to do before every class, and the homework schedule in a language I couldn't understand... all with grades attached. That was stressful and even scary at times. Some of the classes I enjoyed most were my religion classes with a particular professor that had no homework, used a single text that I was familiar with, and tested mostly on the lecture; all I had to do was show up and soak in the interesting material we discussed. I liked the topics of the other classes, but managing the classwork was hard. Most of my classes, though, I took because they were required. So if I take classes after graduation, especially if I audit them (no grades attached), I think I'll enjoy them a lot more without the homework stress and because I'll want to take them. I really hope that's how it works out.

Lots of words, lots of thoughts, so hopefully I'll make sense of them and be able to apply the good things.