Sinking Again?

My husband and I went on a wonderful, almost week-long trip for a friend's wedding, and relished the opportunity to play tourist for a few days, meet new friends, and celebrate our friend's wedding. We were pretty prepared for most things while we were there, but I was definitely not prepared to come back to school.

Everything probably would have been fine if I had taken care of school stuff before we left. I didn't compensate for the time we would be gone, and just got further behind. This is how departure day went:
- Get up early to write the big assignments for class.
- Panic because I don't have enough time and don't feel confident in what I'm doing.
- Alternate between fretting anxiously and trying to make progress.
- Skip class to pack and study for the huge midterm that I have to take before leaving.
- Continue praying even harder for things to work out.
- Try to clean the house (including the fridge) so we can leave it for a week.
- Go to take the big midterm (and get a 97%!).
- Immediately pick up my husband from campus.
- Drive a couple hours north to visit with my sister for a couple hours while she opens her mission call.
- Drive the car to Grandma's house.
- Ride to the airport with Grandma.
- Catch a couple red-eye flights and try to get a couple hours of sleep on the plane.
- Arrive the following morning and sight-see for the day until we can collapse and sleep later that night.

It was a really long day.

Fast forward to this morning: I intend to do the reading and possibly writing assignments for today, but realize that I don't have the instructions for these writing assignments (since I missed class). I procrastinate doing anything until too late anyway; normally, I would skip class to work on it (which rarely works), but since I missed the last class I really need to show up today.

Things go fine at first, then it's time to swap papers for peer reviews. I join in and let the people behind me know that I don't have a paper to pass back. I manage to pass it off lightly, and don't get embarrassed yet; I just evaluate the papers that cross my desk like everyone else's. On the fourth or fifth rotation, someone calls out, "I don't have a paper to review" (because of the gap that I left). The professor tries to sort out the confusion, and I have to raise my hand and explain that I didn't bring a paper. My professor takes the paper I was about to review and passes it to the girl who brought her homework to class, and I'm left with flushed cheeks, downcast eyes, and little to do for the rest of class except beat myself up inside.

Before class today, I knew I was getting behind. My plan to fix it was to keep up on current assignments and work with the TA to cover the assignments I missed. Now I'm afraid of falling into the same trap I encounter every semester--a terrible feedback cycle of getting increasingly behind, feeling increasingly worse about myself, and becoming paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Even when I have a good start to the semester, like with this class, it always seems to end the same way. Maybe I should request an appointment with this professor to discuss my situation and hope that it goes better than the last time I tried that. I'm afraid of history repeating itself, and I just don't know how to move forward.

Week 2 of the Final Semester

A couple posts ago, I wrote how time management will probably be my biggest struggle this semester, as I just have one class that meets twice a week and one scheduled shift at work each week. So far, that prediction has been true.

I've been trying to do better this week! On Wednesday I realized, "I had all day yesterday to get homework done, but didn't... Why don't I just get started on homework right after it's assigned, so I'm not panicking at the last minute? I'm already in school-mode then, so why don't I take advantage of it?" I know, I know: wiser people have been recommending that for years. Since I'm just taking one class, and that class meets in the morning, I don't have the usual excuse of being too tired at the end of the day, when I normally want time to unwind. So after class on Wednesday morning, I got started. I spent Thursday morning on homework, then spent the afternoon reading and then dating my husband (bike ride, making dinner, watching a fun movie). It's still been a pretty chill schedule, but I'm only two weeks in--I'll get better at maximizing my productivity with practice. I've also volunteered to sub for people at work beyond my assigned shift, bringing me up to two shifts each week. I love the flexibility of having one assigned shift, and being able to work whenever I want on top of that.

I have a massive to-do list that should last me through the end of this semester (in June). After graduation, I'm still not sure what I want to do. As I explained to someone who asked, my major isn't the passion I want to pursue professionally, but that's all that the program prepared me to do. I don't know what my dream job is yet, but I need to prepare for it by getting good at the things I love. I might take a couple classes at my alma mater, but I think I'll have to pursue my own education, for the most part. I want to become a stronger writer, increase my familiarity with foreign languages, become a better DIY-er, become a strict boss over my own time (my husband is amazing at that), become an outgoing people-person, etc. It's still a month away, so I'll muse more about it later. Time to get back to homework.

Movie Watchlist

Movies that I want to watch with my husband sometime, as either a first for him or a first for both of us.

BBC's North and South
Any Jane Austen adaptations by BBC
Swades: We the People
The King and I
Lincoln
Kal Ho Naa Ho
Mother India

I'll add more as I think of them, but I realized that I'd forgotten half of these when I was reminded of one earlier.

Breathe... and Dive

Finals for winter semester came and went, as did the time between the last semester and this new one that started yesterday. I had (somewhat of) a breather, and now it's time to dive back into classes.

Final exams were a mixed success this semester, although it's hard to know what the final grades will be for some of the classes. The grades I got back were either expected or disappointing - no pleasant surprises this time (that I remember...). Things got pretty busy right after finals though; there were errands to run, and family visiting to keep my husband and I happily busy. We got to spend a couple days with both our parents, and other family and friends that came to celebrate graduation. It was downright blissful, in retrospect; it feels like there's never too much time spent with family. One of my old roommates got married on Saturday, and it was wonderful to attend the ceremony in the temple (my first time inside the Salt Lake City temple!) and spend some time with good friends. I love taking pictures, especially at social gatherings, and I feel like it's a gift I can offer the people attending. Even though they had a professional photographer who got beautiful shots, those photographs probably won't be available for a few weeks, so I felt pretty special when I posted my pictures on facebook and many people who couldn't attend the wedding were able to see most of the wedding day and offer their congratulations to the couple. I was also able to check out some outlet malls before school started again, and I scored some awesome deals, and found out that my pants have been baggy because I've been buying them a size too big (go figure). Brand new jeans in a classy dark wash that actually fit and look sturdy for $15 a pair? Yes, please!

So now the new semester, with my last class before actually graduating, has started. I opted out of taking a for-fun dance class for more scheduling flexibility, so it's just the business writing class. Today was the first day we met as a class. I like how clear the syllabus is, and I think if I read it every day, it'll help me stay organized. It's obvious that there will be homework and studying every day, but it also seems manageable. There's basically a grammar section, preparing memos and briefs, and a little practice with oral presentations. The writing assignments are small because we're focusing on writing concisely. 

One of the big challenges I'll have this term is using my time well. I anticipate it going like my doughnut struggle: when they were always around and fairly available (thank you, breakfast shift in the cafeteria and forgetting to pack lunch), I ate them way too often, probably about 6 a week. As time went on though, I knew it wasn't a healthy habit and I alternated a couple times between doughnut fasts and binges. After a week-long fast followed by an emotional binge, I realized that I just didn't enjoy the binge anymore, so I stopped. The temptation passed, and I probably haven't had one since. I found a balance that I was happy and functional with: I can eat doughnuts occasionally without the temptation to consume them uncontrollably. With time management, I envision it going like this: with the increase in unscheduled time, I'll binge on time-wasting activities for a while and get sick of it. After a few times of going back and forth, I'll find a happy, healthy balance of work and play. If it works, I'll feel an increased motivation to do the right thing when I'm dissatisfied with the unhealthy alternative, and self-motivation had been my worst academic struggle. 

Responsibility is calling now, so more blogging later when I've made some progress!

Finals Week

Finals week started yesterday, and 2 of my four finals were scheduled for yesterday. I definitely wouldn't have taken them on the first day of finals if I had the choice, so it's probably a good thing. It's nice to have them - both of my audiology classes - out of the way.

The only grade I have back so far is the lab portion of audiology 1, and I got an 85% on that. I'm not sure how I messed up the things I did, because it's just a matter of following procedure, but whatever. It's a lot better than last semester.

The two finals I have left are speech (which I can take in the testing center anytime) and family history (a take-home final due Tuesday afternoon). I'd like to get the speech final out of the way before tackling family history, so I'm working on studying for that one now.

Family history is, surprisingly, the class I'm finishing the worst in. If I were to do the class again, I would visit the TA for office hours every week to keep me on track with my research and assignments. I got way distracted pursuing a couple research questions, and then I got busy with other classes and dropped the ball completely on getting anything done for this class. I really do think that the class would be better (for me, at least) with one hour of lecture and one lab hour per week instead of just the single lecture hour, as it is now. Then we could have a little more hands-on research guidance with the professor and TA in our individual families that we research. My family was at all the wrong places at all the wrong times to avoid documentation, it seems. I hope that the final itself - a case study - won't be too difficult, but I haven't started any work on it yet.

I'm kind of stressed when I think about graduation plans for this coming week. People have a lot of different opinions about what they would prefer to participate in, and everybody's willing to do whatever we decide on, so making decisions and plans has been hard. For now, I'm avoiding making any decisions until I finish with finals. That will probably have to change though. Some of the family will get in town tomorrow, and the rest on Wednesday night. So much planning and so many things to do in the next couple weeks. I just hope I can keep up with it.

Also, I'm trying to get back in the habit of daily scripture study. I'm starting with reading Isaiah because I like those writings, and also because in the Book of Mormon, Christ and prophets hold Isaiah in high regard for his prophecies and understanding of Christ. I need to get to know Christ again, so this seems like a good place to get started. It's been mixed so far: I'm left with ambivalent feelings of both peace and "I need to repent." I'll just keep chugging along and try to do better. Being optimistic and having faith that Christ can and wants to take care of me is hard sometimes. I feel flawed and broken and like I'm imprisoned by my flaws for the rest of eternity, but God is the spirit of hope, not fear. That's why I need to reacquaint myself with Jesus Christ, because He wants me to be happy, and He will show me how it can be done.

Week 15

Good school news this week!

I met with the TA for the audiology class that I'm behind in. It was SO helpful! I really just needed someone to walk through the labs with me, make sure I'm doing it right, and fill in the gaps where I've forgotten things. She wasn't judgmental, she was patient, and she was good at explaining things. After meeting with her I was able to submit one lab right away, finish a second lab that day or the next, and I've got a third lab I'm working on and feel confident finishing. I don't know how much credit I'll get for them because all three of those are late, but I'll get everything turned in! Much better than last semester.

Family history is still dismal. I'm very behind and haven't made much progress since meeting with the TA for this class (mostly because I've been focusing on audiology). I don't know if I'll get everything turned in by the end of the semester (at least it's a one-credit class). Thankfully I've already done some of the research and just need to format it for the assignments, but some of the new research is really confusing--I either can't find records, or the ones I can find are ambiguous and can't definitively say "this is my guy." It's been a little frustrating throughout the semester.

The second audiology class is going fine. All that's left is the final in a week, so it might be good to start studying for that. Me + studying early = doesn't usually happen, but it's worth a try if I can pull it off.

Speech has been good, I think. I haven't missed any assignments since the beginning of the semester. I didn't do as well on the last midterm as I wanted, so I especially want to do well on the final. This final is unscheduled, but optimally, it would be great if I could study for it early and take it in about a week. It's kinda nice to want to do well at the end of the semester, not just avoid failing (which is where I usually, frantically, end up).

I also signed up for my writing class this summer: I'll be taking "Communication in Organizational Settings." It's from a professor that a couple of my friends have had before, and sounds like it's practical and not as writing-heavy (I love writing, but not deadlines or research). I'd like to meet the professor before the semester starts, get to know each other, and prepare myself for the semester (like getting the syllabus early so I can schedule time for homework). That will also give me a better idea of how much time I'll need to devote to the writing class so I can add shifts at work or other classes that I'd like to take before graduating.

I was feeling really trapped by school earlier this week, but getting help from the TA's (particularly for audiology) has made a positive difference. I've still got work to do before the end of the semester, but I feel less intimidated by it. It's really liberating, and I feel more like I'm choosing to do it, and like I can enjoy it more. Less pressure is better. I'm hoping that this time around, my end-of-the-semester experience is much happier, less stressful, and more successful than it has been before. My husband reminded me of the saying, "Success breeds success," and I can see that having some degree of success in school gives me more confidence, which enables more future successes. Having some success feels really good.

Inspiration

This past weekend was a fabulous one. We went up to visit one of my grandmas-in-law on Saturday to watch LDS General Conference with her. It was fun to spend time with family, and it was especially fun because I got to learn a bit about sewing!

I've enjoyed sewing since I was pretty young, but haven't known how to use a machine very well. Sewing by hand takes forever, so that also limited the size of my projects. I also didn't use patterns much and would just make things up.

Grandma really likes quilting, so I learned a basic "stack and slash" quilt that I think she learned back in school. Purple is definitely one of my favorite colors (of the 12 fabrics I used, 4 were purple, about 4 were blue, 3 were yellow or orange, and one was pink). The quilt blocks in the picture aren't ordered in any particular way.

My cousin is having a baby shower later this month, so I bought a pack of onesies and plan to dress them up as my gift. Grandma and one of the aunts helped me put the skirt on this one. I've got a couple ideas for other cute ones; I'm so excited to see what I can do and how they turn out.

The great fun with sewing this weekend reminded me how much I enjoy this brand of creative work and inspired me to think about how I can progress in this area. Quilting is cool, but I like the functionality and versatility of working with clothes (or at least, how I envision working on clothes, considering my limited experience with either). No reason I can't do both, but now I need to figure out how and where I can learn more about sewing.


Listening to the messages during General Conference was really good too. There were a couple talks that I really identified with and appreciated. They touched my heart in a way that gave me peace and hope, and I do hope that it continues. We had my brother and a friend come over for a big, loud dinner last night with lots of Asian food and dirty dishes that got cleaned up at an impressive pace, which was a lot of fun.

The weekend is past and now it's Monday, and the flashes of inspiration have started to dull already. It's back to the grind with school, and I'm still afraid and feel inadequate when I think about all there is to do. I just hope that I can hold onto hope and begin to exercise a little faith that it'll all be ok.