Breathe... and Dive

Finals for winter semester came and went, as did the time between the last semester and this new one that started yesterday. I had (somewhat of) a breather, and now it's time to dive back into classes.

Final exams were a mixed success this semester, although it's hard to know what the final grades will be for some of the classes. The grades I got back were either expected or disappointing - no pleasant surprises this time (that I remember...). Things got pretty busy right after finals though; there were errands to run, and family visiting to keep my husband and I happily busy. We got to spend a couple days with both our parents, and other family and friends that came to celebrate graduation. It was downright blissful, in retrospect; it feels like there's never too much time spent with family. One of my old roommates got married on Saturday, and it was wonderful to attend the ceremony in the temple (my first time inside the Salt Lake City temple!) and spend some time with good friends. I love taking pictures, especially at social gatherings, and I feel like it's a gift I can offer the people attending. Even though they had a professional photographer who got beautiful shots, those photographs probably won't be available for a few weeks, so I felt pretty special when I posted my pictures on facebook and many people who couldn't attend the wedding were able to see most of the wedding day and offer their congratulations to the couple. I was also able to check out some outlet malls before school started again, and I scored some awesome deals, and found out that my pants have been baggy because I've been buying them a size too big (go figure). Brand new jeans in a classy dark wash that actually fit and look sturdy for $15 a pair? Yes, please!

So now the new semester, with my last class before actually graduating, has started. I opted out of taking a for-fun dance class for more scheduling flexibility, so it's just the business writing class. Today was the first day we met as a class. I like how clear the syllabus is, and I think if I read it every day, it'll help me stay organized. It's obvious that there will be homework and studying every day, but it also seems manageable. There's basically a grammar section, preparing memos and briefs, and a little practice with oral presentations. The writing assignments are small because we're focusing on writing concisely. 

One of the big challenges I'll have this term is using my time well. I anticipate it going like my doughnut struggle: when they were always around and fairly available (thank you, breakfast shift in the cafeteria and forgetting to pack lunch), I ate them way too often, probably about 6 a week. As time went on though, I knew it wasn't a healthy habit and I alternated a couple times between doughnut fasts and binges. After a week-long fast followed by an emotional binge, I realized that I just didn't enjoy the binge anymore, so I stopped. The temptation passed, and I probably haven't had one since. I found a balance that I was happy and functional with: I can eat doughnuts occasionally without the temptation to consume them uncontrollably. With time management, I envision it going like this: with the increase in unscheduled time, I'll binge on time-wasting activities for a while and get sick of it. After a few times of going back and forth, I'll find a happy, healthy balance of work and play. If it works, I'll feel an increased motivation to do the right thing when I'm dissatisfied with the unhealthy alternative, and self-motivation had been my worst academic struggle. 

Responsibility is calling now, so more blogging later when I've made some progress!

Finals Week

Finals week started yesterday, and 2 of my four finals were scheduled for yesterday. I definitely wouldn't have taken them on the first day of finals if I had the choice, so it's probably a good thing. It's nice to have them - both of my audiology classes - out of the way.

The only grade I have back so far is the lab portion of audiology 1, and I got an 85% on that. I'm not sure how I messed up the things I did, because it's just a matter of following procedure, but whatever. It's a lot better than last semester.

The two finals I have left are speech (which I can take in the testing center anytime) and family history (a take-home final due Tuesday afternoon). I'd like to get the speech final out of the way before tackling family history, so I'm working on studying for that one now.

Family history is, surprisingly, the class I'm finishing the worst in. If I were to do the class again, I would visit the TA for office hours every week to keep me on track with my research and assignments. I got way distracted pursuing a couple research questions, and then I got busy with other classes and dropped the ball completely on getting anything done for this class. I really do think that the class would be better (for me, at least) with one hour of lecture and one lab hour per week instead of just the single lecture hour, as it is now. Then we could have a little more hands-on research guidance with the professor and TA in our individual families that we research. My family was at all the wrong places at all the wrong times to avoid documentation, it seems. I hope that the final itself - a case study - won't be too difficult, but I haven't started any work on it yet.

I'm kind of stressed when I think about graduation plans for this coming week. People have a lot of different opinions about what they would prefer to participate in, and everybody's willing to do whatever we decide on, so making decisions and plans has been hard. For now, I'm avoiding making any decisions until I finish with finals. That will probably have to change though. Some of the family will get in town tomorrow, and the rest on Wednesday night. So much planning and so many things to do in the next couple weeks. I just hope I can keep up with it.

Also, I'm trying to get back in the habit of daily scripture study. I'm starting with reading Isaiah because I like those writings, and also because in the Book of Mormon, Christ and prophets hold Isaiah in high regard for his prophecies and understanding of Christ. I need to get to know Christ again, so this seems like a good place to get started. It's been mixed so far: I'm left with ambivalent feelings of both peace and "I need to repent." I'll just keep chugging along and try to do better. Being optimistic and having faith that Christ can and wants to take care of me is hard sometimes. I feel flawed and broken and like I'm imprisoned by my flaws for the rest of eternity, but God is the spirit of hope, not fear. That's why I need to reacquaint myself with Jesus Christ, because He wants me to be happy, and He will show me how it can be done.

Week 15

Good school news this week!

I met with the TA for the audiology class that I'm behind in. It was SO helpful! I really just needed someone to walk through the labs with me, make sure I'm doing it right, and fill in the gaps where I've forgotten things. She wasn't judgmental, she was patient, and she was good at explaining things. After meeting with her I was able to submit one lab right away, finish a second lab that day or the next, and I've got a third lab I'm working on and feel confident finishing. I don't know how much credit I'll get for them because all three of those are late, but I'll get everything turned in! Much better than last semester.

Family history is still dismal. I'm very behind and haven't made much progress since meeting with the TA for this class (mostly because I've been focusing on audiology). I don't know if I'll get everything turned in by the end of the semester (at least it's a one-credit class). Thankfully I've already done some of the research and just need to format it for the assignments, but some of the new research is really confusing--I either can't find records, or the ones I can find are ambiguous and can't definitively say "this is my guy." It's been a little frustrating throughout the semester.

The second audiology class is going fine. All that's left is the final in a week, so it might be good to start studying for that. Me + studying early = doesn't usually happen, but it's worth a try if I can pull it off.

Speech has been good, I think. I haven't missed any assignments since the beginning of the semester. I didn't do as well on the last midterm as I wanted, so I especially want to do well on the final. This final is unscheduled, but optimally, it would be great if I could study for it early and take it in about a week. It's kinda nice to want to do well at the end of the semester, not just avoid failing (which is where I usually, frantically, end up).

I also signed up for my writing class this summer: I'll be taking "Communication in Organizational Settings." It's from a professor that a couple of my friends have had before, and sounds like it's practical and not as writing-heavy (I love writing, but not deadlines or research). I'd like to meet the professor before the semester starts, get to know each other, and prepare myself for the semester (like getting the syllabus early so I can schedule time for homework). That will also give me a better idea of how much time I'll need to devote to the writing class so I can add shifts at work or other classes that I'd like to take before graduating.

I was feeling really trapped by school earlier this week, but getting help from the TA's (particularly for audiology) has made a positive difference. I've still got work to do before the end of the semester, but I feel less intimidated by it. It's really liberating, and I feel more like I'm choosing to do it, and like I can enjoy it more. Less pressure is better. I'm hoping that this time around, my end-of-the-semester experience is much happier, less stressful, and more successful than it has been before. My husband reminded me of the saying, "Success breeds success," and I can see that having some degree of success in school gives me more confidence, which enables more future successes. Having some success feels really good.

Inspiration

This past weekend was a fabulous one. We went up to visit one of my grandmas-in-law on Saturday to watch LDS General Conference with her. It was fun to spend time with family, and it was especially fun because I got to learn a bit about sewing!

I've enjoyed sewing since I was pretty young, but haven't known how to use a machine very well. Sewing by hand takes forever, so that also limited the size of my projects. I also didn't use patterns much and would just make things up.

Grandma really likes quilting, so I learned a basic "stack and slash" quilt that I think she learned back in school. Purple is definitely one of my favorite colors (of the 12 fabrics I used, 4 were purple, about 4 were blue, 3 were yellow or orange, and one was pink). The quilt blocks in the picture aren't ordered in any particular way.

My cousin is having a baby shower later this month, so I bought a pack of onesies and plan to dress them up as my gift. Grandma and one of the aunts helped me put the skirt on this one. I've got a couple ideas for other cute ones; I'm so excited to see what I can do and how they turn out.

The great fun with sewing this weekend reminded me how much I enjoy this brand of creative work and inspired me to think about how I can progress in this area. Quilting is cool, but I like the functionality and versatility of working with clothes (or at least, how I envision working on clothes, considering my limited experience with either). No reason I can't do both, but now I need to figure out how and where I can learn more about sewing.


Listening to the messages during General Conference was really good too. There were a couple talks that I really identified with and appreciated. They touched my heart in a way that gave me peace and hope, and I do hope that it continues. We had my brother and a friend come over for a big, loud dinner last night with lots of Asian food and dirty dishes that got cleaned up at an impressive pace, which was a lot of fun.

The weekend is past and now it's Monday, and the flashes of inspiration have started to dull already. It's back to the grind with school, and I'm still afraid and feel inadequate when I think about all there is to do. I just hope that I can hold onto hope and begin to exercise a little faith that it'll all be ok.

Week 14 - So Close!

I'm getting worn out thinking about the semester. School is so time-consuming! If I were spending as much time on schoolwork as I should be, I wouldn't have time for much else. And now that it's nearing the end of the semester, I'm increasingly aware of how much work there is. Combined with the rest of life's obligations, it's really easy to feel overwhelmed.

I've got a lot of labs I need to catch up on for my audiology class. That's frustrating because I'm not sure how to do some of the tasks required for them, the TA isn't available when I need her help, and I felt pretty stupid when I asked the professor about some of these basic things I've forgotten. Hopefully the TA will be able to help me next week...

My other scholastic stressor is my family history class. I got way behind in those assignments, and while I have some of the research already done, some of it wasn't good enough yet, and the volume of work for this class is also intimidating.

Dangit. I made such good progress at the beginning of the semester, and held out longer than usual. At this point in the semester, I'm still doing better than I've done in previous semesters. But every time, every semester, it's never enough! The semester ends in less than 2 weeks, and I'm behind in the work and afraid again! I'm never good enough to finish a semester strong. Every semester feels like another failure.

Looking ahead, I'm asking my peers about suggestions for my writing class that I need to take. I've gotten a lot of feedback, so I started asking for advice with specific classes. I would like to meet with my old English teacher and solicit her advice as well. If I can, I might try to talk to the actual teachers for the spring classes to learn more about their class and teaching style. Unfortunately, the class that's being so highly praised has a waitlist, and I don't know if I'll be able to get into it. So I'm trying to learn more about the various options and hopefully be prepared. This would probably be something really good to pray about.

I've got other responsibilities and things going on in life besides school, and it's hard to keep track of everything sometimes. I'm afraid that I might have to put everything else on hold for the next two weeks while I try to keep my school act together. I'm just glad that I have an amazingly supportive husband and that God sends little tender mercies that make a difference in my week.

Week 13... and Family

Dropping that writing class has been one of the most liberating feelings ever. Seriously. My daily stress levels have plummeted and I feel so much more capable of succeeding this semester. It's an amazing feeling.

The only two problems with it are these: I still have to take a writing class, and now I have more unscheduled time to manage. To resolve the first problem, I really want to meet with the different teachers and figure out which class option will be the best for me. 

I think I'm actually making progress in managing my time. Surprise! I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting better. Part of it is that I was bored and dissatisfied when I wasn't being productive and was just wasting time. Part of it may have also been the reduction in stress after dropping the writing class; when I felt like I could actually do it, the work became a lot less scary and intimidating. Part of it may also be that the internet at our apartment broke this week. Luckily I guess, most of my homework can be done offline while a lot of my distractions can't. 

Audiology 1 - Playing catch up because I've gotten behind on several labs.

Audiology 2 - Still going great. Class is often boring unless we have a guest lecturer, but I learn some really cool things and I've been doing fine on the tests.

Family history - I'm way behind. I need to figure out how to fix that.

Speech - I think that this is one of the most humble and student-centered professors in the program. I think I'm keeping up ok in it. I should check that.

We also haven't been doing as many dinners with other people in the last couple weeks, so we're trying to get back in the swing of that. (Really, so rewarding and so much fun)

I just read part of my aunt's journal that she shared online today from 6 years ago when my grandpa's liver was failing. I don't think I realized at the time how severe the situation was because it happened so fast: after being diagnosed, he was put at the top of the organ donor list and the doctors said they could "hold him" for 7-10 days. I feel terrible now because I don't remember being affected by it as profoundly as my aunt was. I hate this feeling - this lack of a deep connection to my extended family. I hate the sense of lost time and lost relationships. My grandpa is pretty healthy now, but my other grandpa died a couple years ago after the combined forces of age, a stroke, and Alzheimer's, and I knew the latter grandpa even more poorly. And now that I finally live in the same state as both my grandparents, I still rarely see them. I hate, hate, hate it. I'm jealous of my cousins who grew up down the street from my grandparents. I'm envious of people whose cousins are some of their best friends. I'm jealous of people who have a fun, easy time at family gatherings and don't wonder to themselves at the relationship they're expected to have with people who are mostly strangers. It's not always that bad, but it's something that's hurt inside of me for years and has only gotten worse. My husband and I decided before we were even married that we wanted to live where we could be close to family for the kids' sake. I guess this is maybe another learning opportunity for me to see how important it is to have close relationships with family. That's one of my goals for becoming a better person, I guess.

Becoming Cultured Through Film

I realized just the other day that watching movies is a good way for me to become more cultured while I'm still in school. Books suck way more of my time and emotions than movies do, and while I'm taking classes, that time and those emotions are needed elsewhere.

Only mildly intentionally, my husband and I have been broadening our horizons through movies. I've already seen most of the movies at least once (even if it was many years ago), but it's a great experience for both of us as we discuss our impressions and things we learn.

We've watched some classics like Casablanca, Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, South Pacific, and a little bit of The King and I. Some Miyazaki movies that we've watched together are Howl's Moving Castle and Laputa: Castle in the Sky, and we want to see more. We've had some really good conversations about Jane Austen movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility; I don't remember if we've seen Pride and Prejudice together. Of course, we've also watched our share of Disney/Pixar movies in the last year, including Brave, Tangled, How to Train Your Dragon, Wall-E, and others.

I really learn a lot when I talk about things with my husband. This applies to everything, but especially to shared experiences like movies that we watch together. My husband is an active consumer of media, and I think that's one of his strengths; he evaluates everything he comes in contact with instead of passively accepting it. He makes everything meaningful, and I love sharing ideas with him. We both come out smarter for it.

I think this is a pattern that we'll follow for years. We have lots more movies that we want to watch together (including other genres like BBC films and Bollywood movies) and learn from. I'm not sure if I want to create a projected list for this because it changes with our priorities and film availability, but it's certainly something that I want to continue.