It's been a long month and a half since I've written on here. I haven't done nearly as many things with my summer as I had wanted to, and fall semester is fast approaching.
Good news though: I HAVE A JOB!
After it was suggested by a couple friends, and after a long-term opportunity offered itself, I finally checked out a popular company for substitute teaching. Because my friend requested that I sub for her during a long absence, I got hired without much trouble. I'll start soon, and I've already met one of the classes I'll be teaching. Thankfully, I've been able to meet the principal and my future co-workers several times, and I can be in fairly constant communication with the friend I'll be covering. There will be just a few days of overlap with my current job, and no scheduling problems between them.
I keep switching between wild excitement and paralyzing anticipation. The training from my friend and interacting with the class today have been reassuring. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, but I am so, SO excited to be working in an environment where I can make a difference in the world. I haven't even taught yet, and my head is already buzzing with questions and ideas about what I can learn and how I can continue to be involved. That's pretty exciting.
I feel a little less overwhelmed compared to earlier this week. I'm still not entirely sure what to expect, but I feel good about moving this direction in my life and career. We'll have to see where it goes!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Spiritual Boot Camp
I want to strengthen my testimony of and relationship with Jesus Christ, and know of His love for me.
I will try to accomplish this by doing the following:
- Read from the Book of Mormon every day
- Go to the temple as frequently as is reasonable
- Read a talk or two from General Conference each week
- Try to read from Tad R. Callister's book "The Infinite Atonement"
- Spend about a half hour or more each day on these readings
Today hasn't been very successful thus far, but at least I'm getting my goals down in writing. Hopefully I'll choose to act on them throughout the week and make this a high priority.
I will try to accomplish this by doing the following:
- Read from the Book of Mormon every day
- Go to the temple as frequently as is reasonable
- Read a talk or two from General Conference each week
- Try to read from Tad R. Callister's book "The Infinite Atonement"
- Spend about a half hour or more each day on these readings
Today hasn't been very successful thus far, but at least I'm getting my goals down in writing. Hopefully I'll choose to act on them throughout the week and make this a high priority.
News and New Beginnings!
- I don't remember if I wrote about this before, but I was asked to attend my stake's girls' camp this past week as an activities specialist. I have a habit of accepting church callings and assignments without questioning it (well, maybe doubting my capability, but not the calling itself), but I realized a couple times while I was there that it was kind of a big sacrifice to go to camp. That didn't change my willingness to serve, but was more of a curious "Oh, I hadn't thought about that" moment. I was in a much better position to go than many of the people left their jobs and families behind for a week.
- I found out that I passed my last class, and am now a college graduate! The diploma should come in a couple weeks.
- I was asked to be the second counselor in my ward's Young Women presidency the day after I returned from camp. It was SUPER funny to me, because only my bishop knew about both my stake assignment to go to girls' camp and my pending calling to the YW presidency. The woman who recommended me for the position had no idea that I was involved with girls' camp until she showed up and saw me there, so we were talking to each other for the whole week, and she knew what was already in the works to come on Sunday.
What do I do now?
- Girls' Camp didn't have the same degree of impact on my spirituality as it did when I was a teenager. That motivated me to try a spiritual boot camp of sorts. I want to start that today and get myself back into shape.
- I found out that I can keep my student job through the end of the summer. That gives me a little more time to earn money while I look for a more permanent job. Some thoughts have been working in a restaurant, a craft store, or substitute teaching. I don't know how having a degree will affect the job search yet--I'm not sure what I'm qualified for now, I'm not sure what's available, and I still don't know what I want to do long-term.
- Now I can finally take the time I've waited for to do craft and homemaking stuff. Before starting this blog post today, I made a chart to help with meal planning. Now that I'm done with school, I can quit stressing about it and turn my attention to making changes in my life. I can figure out things like meal planning, couponing, and cleaning schedules to be a better contributor in our home, and I can explore my passions and learn what I want to learn, at my own pace, to become a better contributor in the world.
Taking personal inventory will be a big step, at the beginning and throughout the process, to figure out where I'm at and where I want to go. Expect more blog posts as I work on that!
- I found out that I passed my last class, and am now a college graduate! The diploma should come in a couple weeks.
- I was asked to be the second counselor in my ward's Young Women presidency the day after I returned from camp. It was SUPER funny to me, because only my bishop knew about both my stake assignment to go to girls' camp and my pending calling to the YW presidency. The woman who recommended me for the position had no idea that I was involved with girls' camp until she showed up and saw me there, so we were talking to each other for the whole week, and she knew what was already in the works to come on Sunday.
What do I do now?
- Girls' Camp didn't have the same degree of impact on my spirituality as it did when I was a teenager. That motivated me to try a spiritual boot camp of sorts. I want to start that today and get myself back into shape.
- I found out that I can keep my student job through the end of the summer. That gives me a little more time to earn money while I look for a more permanent job. Some thoughts have been working in a restaurant, a craft store, or substitute teaching. I don't know how having a degree will affect the job search yet--I'm not sure what I'm qualified for now, I'm not sure what's available, and I still don't know what I want to do long-term.
- Now I can finally take the time I've waited for to do craft and homemaking stuff. Before starting this blog post today, I made a chart to help with meal planning. Now that I'm done with school, I can quit stressing about it and turn my attention to making changes in my life. I can figure out things like meal planning, couponing, and cleaning schedules to be a better contributor in our home, and I can explore my passions and learn what I want to learn, at my own pace, to become a better contributor in the world.
Taking personal inventory will be a big step, at the beginning and throughout the process, to figure out where I'm at and where I want to go. Expect more blog posts as I work on that!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Back to Finals Week
I haven't written on here in a long time. Probably because in the last month I was avoiding doing everything I've been trying to cram in the last few days. It's really been something. Definitely my best end-of-semester recovery so far, but also the term/semester when I have the most at stake. I'd really rather not delay my graduation again, so I'm working hard and praying for mercy.
As it stands, I now have one 2-page memo to write, one 3- or 4-page research paper to write, and one 80-question multiple-choice final to take in the next 18 hours (which is also supposed to include a couple hours of meetings for work and church, and hopefully some time for sleep). I already knew it was getting down to the wire, but I was impressed when my husband suggested that I pull an all-nighter to write these papers. His support, frequent prayers, and gross amounts of snack food have been getting me through the week so far.
I've been eating Twizzlers, powdered donuts, mango sherbet, hot dogs, poppyseed muffins, asparagus, apple juice, a little bit of brownies and other candy, and lots of water at a sickening pace for the last few days. My thought was that if I'm nibbling on something most of the time, I'll (a) have a fairly constant energy source and (b) have fewer excuses to get up and distract myself. I think that spacing out the protein and drinking lots of water has helped a lot so that the sugar doesn't actually make me sick.
This week is certainly putting my husband in the running for "Most Supportive Spouse of the Year." He's been a dear and insisted that I work while he does all the cooking and cleaning and running extra errands to buy me more Twizzlers and donuts (minimizing my excuses/distractions). He's been particularly encouraging because he's a loving husband like that, but he also doesn't want us to pay for another semester of school for one class that I was too lazy to pass. I've just sort of ignored it/trusted that it'll work out, which only leads to limited success.
I'm trying to do what I have to do to stay awake and not wander too far from my homework. I fall short a lot, but I can just try to keep moving forward. Hopefully I'll have good news to share once grades are in.
As it stands, I now have one 2-page memo to write, one 3- or 4-page research paper to write, and one 80-question multiple-choice final to take in the next 18 hours (which is also supposed to include a couple hours of meetings for work and church, and hopefully some time for sleep). I already knew it was getting down to the wire, but I was impressed when my husband suggested that I pull an all-nighter to write these papers. His support, frequent prayers, and gross amounts of snack food have been getting me through the week so far.
I've been eating Twizzlers, powdered donuts, mango sherbet, hot dogs, poppyseed muffins, asparagus, apple juice, a little bit of brownies and other candy, and lots of water at a sickening pace for the last few days. My thought was that if I'm nibbling on something most of the time, I'll (a) have a fairly constant energy source and (b) have fewer excuses to get up and distract myself. I think that spacing out the protein and drinking lots of water has helped a lot so that the sugar doesn't actually make me sick.
This week is certainly putting my husband in the running for "Most Supportive Spouse of the Year." He's been a dear and insisted that I work while he does all the cooking and cleaning and running extra errands to buy me more Twizzlers and donuts (minimizing my excuses/distractions). He's been particularly encouraging because he's a loving husband like that, but he also doesn't want us to pay for another semester of school for one class that I was too lazy to pass. I've just sort of ignored it/trusted that it'll work out, which only leads to limited success.
I'm trying to do what I have to do to stay awake and not wander too far from my homework. I fall short a lot, but I can just try to keep moving forward. Hopefully I'll have good news to share once grades are in.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Sinking Again?
My husband and I went on a wonderful, almost week-long trip for a friend's wedding, and relished the opportunity to play tourist for a few days, meet new friends, and celebrate our friend's wedding. We were pretty prepared for most things while we were there, but I was definitely not prepared to come back to school.
Everything probably would have been fine if I had taken care of school stuff before we left. I didn't compensate for the time we would be gone, and just got further behind. This is how departure day went:
- Get up early to write the big assignments for class.
- Panic because I don't have enough time and don't feel confident in what I'm doing.
- Alternate between fretting anxiously and trying to make progress.
- Skip class to pack and study for the huge midterm that I have to take before leaving.
- Continue praying even harder for things to work out.
- Try to clean the house (including the fridge) so we can leave it for a week.
- Go to take the big midterm (and get a 97%!).
- Immediately pick up my husband from campus.
- Drive a couple hours north to visit with my sister for a couple hours while she opens her mission call.
- Drive the car to Grandma's house.
- Ride to the airport with Grandma.
- Catch a couple red-eye flights and try to get a couple hours of sleep on the plane.
- Arrive the following morning and sight-see for the day until we can collapse and sleep later that night.
It was a really long day.
Fast forward to this morning: I intend to do the reading and possibly writing assignments for today, but realize that I don't have the instructions for these writing assignments (since I missed class). I procrastinate doing anything until too late anyway; normally, I would skip class to work on it (which rarely works), but since I missed the last class I really need to show up today.
Things go fine at first, then it's time to swap papers for peer reviews. I join in and let the people behind me know that I don't have a paper to pass back. I manage to pass it off lightly, and don't get embarrassed yet; I just evaluate the papers that cross my desk like everyone else's. On the fourth or fifth rotation, someone calls out, "I don't have a paper to review" (because of the gap that I left). The professor tries to sort out the confusion, and I have to raise my hand and explain that I didn't bring a paper. My professor takes the paper I was about to review and passes it to the girl who brought her homework to class, and I'm left with flushed cheeks, downcast eyes, and little to do for the rest of class except beat myself up inside.
Before class today, I knew I was getting behind. My plan to fix it was to keep up on current assignments and work with the TA to cover the assignments I missed. Now I'm afraid of falling into the same trap I encounter every semester--a terrible feedback cycle of getting increasingly behind, feeling increasingly worse about myself, and becoming paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Even when I have a good start to the semester, like with this class, it always seems to end the same way. Maybe I should request an appointment with this professor to discuss my situation and hope that it goes better than the last time I tried that. I'm afraid of history repeating itself, and I just don't know how to move forward.
Everything probably would have been fine if I had taken care of school stuff before we left. I didn't compensate for the time we would be gone, and just got further behind. This is how departure day went:
- Get up early to write the big assignments for class.
- Panic because I don't have enough time and don't feel confident in what I'm doing.
- Alternate between fretting anxiously and trying to make progress.
- Skip class to pack and study for the huge midterm that I have to take before leaving.
- Continue praying even harder for things to work out.
- Try to clean the house (including the fridge) so we can leave it for a week.
- Go to take the big midterm (and get a 97%!).
- Immediately pick up my husband from campus.
- Drive a couple hours north to visit with my sister for a couple hours while she opens her mission call.
- Drive the car to Grandma's house.
- Ride to the airport with Grandma.
- Catch a couple red-eye flights and try to get a couple hours of sleep on the plane.
- Arrive the following morning and sight-see for the day until we can collapse and sleep later that night.
It was a really long day.
Fast forward to this morning: I intend to do the reading and possibly writing assignments for today, but realize that I don't have the instructions for these writing assignments (since I missed class). I procrastinate doing anything until too late anyway; normally, I would skip class to work on it (which rarely works), but since I missed the last class I really need to show up today.
Things go fine at first, then it's time to swap papers for peer reviews. I join in and let the people behind me know that I don't have a paper to pass back. I manage to pass it off lightly, and don't get embarrassed yet; I just evaluate the papers that cross my desk like everyone else's. On the fourth or fifth rotation, someone calls out, "I don't have a paper to review" (because of the gap that I left). The professor tries to sort out the confusion, and I have to raise my hand and explain that I didn't bring a paper. My professor takes the paper I was about to review and passes it to the girl who brought her homework to class, and I'm left with flushed cheeks, downcast eyes, and little to do for the rest of class except beat myself up inside.
Before class today, I knew I was getting behind. My plan to fix it was to keep up on current assignments and work with the TA to cover the assignments I missed. Now I'm afraid of falling into the same trap I encounter every semester--a terrible feedback cycle of getting increasingly behind, feeling increasingly worse about myself, and becoming paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Even when I have a good start to the semester, like with this class, it always seems to end the same way. Maybe I should request an appointment with this professor to discuss my situation and hope that it goes better than the last time I tried that. I'm afraid of history repeating itself, and I just don't know how to move forward.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Week 2 of the Final Semester
A couple posts ago, I wrote how time management will probably be my biggest struggle this semester, as I just have one class that meets twice a week and one scheduled shift at work each week. So far, that prediction has been true.
I've been trying to do better this week! On Wednesday I realized, "I had all day yesterday to get homework done, but didn't... Why don't I just get started on homework right after it's assigned, so I'm not panicking at the last minute? I'm already in school-mode then, so why don't I take advantage of it?" I know, I know: wiser people have been recommending that for years. Since I'm just taking one class, and that class meets in the morning, I don't have the usual excuse of being too tired at the end of the day, when I normally want time to unwind. So after class on Wednesday morning, I got started. I spent Thursday morning on homework, then spent the afternoon reading and then dating my husband (bike ride, making dinner, watching a fun movie). It's still been a pretty chill schedule, but I'm only two weeks in--I'll get better at maximizing my productivity with practice. I've also volunteered to sub for people at work beyond my assigned shift, bringing me up to two shifts each week. I love the flexibility of having one assigned shift, and being able to work whenever I want on top of that.
I have a massive to-do list that should last me through the end of this semester (in June). After graduation, I'm still not sure what I want to do. As I explained to someone who asked, my major isn't the passion I want to pursue professionally, but that's all that the program prepared me to do. I don't know what my dream job is yet, but I need to prepare for it by getting good at the things I love. I might take a couple classes at my alma mater, but I think I'll have to pursue my own education, for the most part. I want to become a stronger writer, increase my familiarity with foreign languages, become a better DIY-er, become a strict boss over my own time (my husband is amazing at that), become an outgoing people-person, etc. It's still a month away, so I'll muse more about it later. Time to get back to homework.
I've been trying to do better this week! On Wednesday I realized, "I had all day yesterday to get homework done, but didn't... Why don't I just get started on homework right after it's assigned, so I'm not panicking at the last minute? I'm already in school-mode then, so why don't I take advantage of it?" I know, I know: wiser people have been recommending that for years. Since I'm just taking one class, and that class meets in the morning, I don't have the usual excuse of being too tired at the end of the day, when I normally want time to unwind. So after class on Wednesday morning, I got started. I spent Thursday morning on homework, then spent the afternoon reading and then dating my husband (bike ride, making dinner, watching a fun movie). It's still been a pretty chill schedule, but I'm only two weeks in--I'll get better at maximizing my productivity with practice. I've also volunteered to sub for people at work beyond my assigned shift, bringing me up to two shifts each week. I love the flexibility of having one assigned shift, and being able to work whenever I want on top of that.
I have a massive to-do list that should last me through the end of this semester (in June). After graduation, I'm still not sure what I want to do. As I explained to someone who asked, my major isn't the passion I want to pursue professionally, but that's all that the program prepared me to do. I don't know what my dream job is yet, but I need to prepare for it by getting good at the things I love. I might take a couple classes at my alma mater, but I think I'll have to pursue my own education, for the most part. I want to become a stronger writer, increase my familiarity with foreign languages, become a better DIY-er, become a strict boss over my own time (my husband is amazing at that), become an outgoing people-person, etc. It's still a month away, so I'll muse more about it later. Time to get back to homework.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Movie Watchlist
Movies that I want to watch with my husband sometime, as either a first for him or a first for both of us.
BBC's North and South
Any Jane Austen adaptations by BBC
Swades: We the People
The King and I
Lincoln
Kal Ho Naa Ho
Mother India
I'll add more as I think of them, but I realized that I'd forgotten half of these when I was reminded of one earlier.
BBC's North and South
Any Jane Austen adaptations by BBC
Swades: We the People
The King and I
Lincoln
Kal Ho Naa Ho
Mother India
I'll add more as I think of them, but I realized that I'd forgotten half of these when I was reminded of one earlier.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Breathe... and Dive
Finals for winter semester came and went, as did the time between the last semester and this new one that started yesterday. I had (somewhat of) a breather, and now it's time to dive back into classes.
Final exams were a mixed success this semester, although it's hard to know what the final grades will be for some of the classes. The grades I got back were either expected or disappointing - no pleasant surprises this time (that I remember...). Things got pretty busy right after finals though; there were errands to run, and family visiting to keep my husband and I happily busy. We got to spend a couple days with both our parents, and other family and friends that came to celebrate graduation. It was downright blissful, in retrospect; it feels like there's never too much time spent with family. One of my old roommates got married on Saturday, and it was wonderful to attend the ceremony in the temple (my first time inside the Salt Lake City temple!) and spend some time with good friends. I love taking pictures, especially at social gatherings, and I feel like it's a gift I can offer the people attending. Even though they had a professional photographer who got beautiful shots, those photographs probably won't be available for a few weeks, so I felt pretty special when I posted my pictures on facebook and many people who couldn't attend the wedding were able to see most of the wedding day and offer their congratulations to the couple. I was also able to check out some outlet malls before school started again, and I scored some awesome deals, and found out that my pants have been baggy because I've been buying them a size too big (go figure). Brand new jeans in a classy dark wash that actually fit and look sturdy for $15 a pair? Yes, please!
So now the new semester, with my last class before actually graduating, has started. I opted out of taking a for-fun dance class for more scheduling flexibility, so it's just the business writing class. Today was the first day we met as a class. I like how clear the syllabus is, and I think if I read it every day, it'll help me stay organized. It's obvious that there will be homework and studying every day, but it also seems manageable. There's basically a grammar section, preparing memos and briefs, and a little practice with oral presentations. The writing assignments are small because we're focusing on writing concisely.
One of the big challenges I'll have this term is using my time well. I anticipate it going like my doughnut struggle: when they were always around and fairly available (thank you, breakfast shift in the cafeteria and forgetting to pack lunch), I ate them way too often, probably about 6 a week. As time went on though, I knew it wasn't a healthy habit and I alternated a couple times between doughnut fasts and binges. After a week-long fast followed by an emotional binge, I realized that I just didn't enjoy the binge anymore, so I stopped. The temptation passed, and I probably haven't had one since. I found a balance that I was happy and functional with: I can eat doughnuts occasionally without the temptation to consume them uncontrollably. With time management, I envision it going like this: with the increase in unscheduled time, I'll binge on time-wasting activities for a while and get sick of it. After a few times of going back and forth, I'll find a happy, healthy balance of work and play. If it works, I'll feel an increased motivation to do the right thing when I'm dissatisfied with the unhealthy alternative, and self-motivation had been my worst academic struggle.
Responsibility is calling now, so more blogging later when I've made some progress!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Finals Week
Finals week started yesterday, and 2 of my four finals were scheduled for yesterday. I definitely wouldn't have taken them on the first day of finals if I had the choice, so it's probably a good thing. It's nice to have them - both of my audiology classes - out of the way.
The only grade I have back so far is the lab portion of audiology 1, and I got an 85% on that. I'm not sure how I messed up the things I did, because it's just a matter of following procedure, but whatever. It's a lot better than last semester.
The two finals I have left are speech (which I can take in the testing center anytime) and family history (a take-home final due Tuesday afternoon). I'd like to get the speech final out of the way before tackling family history, so I'm working on studying for that one now.
Family history is, surprisingly, the class I'm finishing the worst in. If I were to do the class again, I would visit the TA for office hours every week to keep me on track with my research and assignments. I got way distracted pursuing a couple research questions, and then I got busy with other classes and dropped the ball completely on getting anything done for this class. I really do think that the class would be better (for me, at least) with one hour of lecture and one lab hour per week instead of just the single lecture hour, as it is now. Then we could have a little more hands-on research guidance with the professor and TA in our individual families that we research. My family was at all the wrong places at all the wrong times to avoid documentation, it seems. I hope that the final itself - a case study - won't be too difficult, but I haven't started any work on it yet.
I'm kind of stressed when I think about graduation plans for this coming week. People have a lot of different opinions about what they would prefer to participate in, and everybody's willing to do whatever we decide on, so making decisions and plans has been hard. For now, I'm avoiding making any decisions until I finish with finals. That will probably have to change though. Some of the family will get in town tomorrow, and the rest on Wednesday night. So much planning and so many things to do in the next couple weeks. I just hope I can keep up with it.
Also, I'm trying to get back in the habit of daily scripture study. I'm starting with reading Isaiah because I like those writings, and also because in the Book of Mormon, Christ and prophets hold Isaiah in high regard for his prophecies and understanding of Christ. I need to get to know Christ again, so this seems like a good place to get started. It's been mixed so far: I'm left with ambivalent feelings of both peace and "I need to repent." I'll just keep chugging along and try to do better. Being optimistic and having faith that Christ can and wants to take care of me is hard sometimes. I feel flawed and broken and like I'm imprisoned by my flaws for the rest of eternity, but God is the spirit of hope, not fear. That's why I need to reacquaint myself with Jesus Christ, because He wants me to be happy, and He will show me how it can be done.
The only grade I have back so far is the lab portion of audiology 1, and I got an 85% on that. I'm not sure how I messed up the things I did, because it's just a matter of following procedure, but whatever. It's a lot better than last semester.
The two finals I have left are speech (which I can take in the testing center anytime) and family history (a take-home final due Tuesday afternoon). I'd like to get the speech final out of the way before tackling family history, so I'm working on studying for that one now.
Family history is, surprisingly, the class I'm finishing the worst in. If I were to do the class again, I would visit the TA for office hours every week to keep me on track with my research and assignments. I got way distracted pursuing a couple research questions, and then I got busy with other classes and dropped the ball completely on getting anything done for this class. I really do think that the class would be better (for me, at least) with one hour of lecture and one lab hour per week instead of just the single lecture hour, as it is now. Then we could have a little more hands-on research guidance with the professor and TA in our individual families that we research. My family was at all the wrong places at all the wrong times to avoid documentation, it seems. I hope that the final itself - a case study - won't be too difficult, but I haven't started any work on it yet.
I'm kind of stressed when I think about graduation plans for this coming week. People have a lot of different opinions about what they would prefer to participate in, and everybody's willing to do whatever we decide on, so making decisions and plans has been hard. For now, I'm avoiding making any decisions until I finish with finals. That will probably have to change though. Some of the family will get in town tomorrow, and the rest on Wednesday night. So much planning and so many things to do in the next couple weeks. I just hope I can keep up with it.
Also, I'm trying to get back in the habit of daily scripture study. I'm starting with reading Isaiah because I like those writings, and also because in the Book of Mormon, Christ and prophets hold Isaiah in high regard for his prophecies and understanding of Christ. I need to get to know Christ again, so this seems like a good place to get started. It's been mixed so far: I'm left with ambivalent feelings of both peace and "I need to repent." I'll just keep chugging along and try to do better. Being optimistic and having faith that Christ can and wants to take care of me is hard sometimes. I feel flawed and broken and like I'm imprisoned by my flaws for the rest of eternity, but God is the spirit of hope, not fear. That's why I need to reacquaint myself with Jesus Christ, because He wants me to be happy, and He will show me how it can be done.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Week 15
Good school news this week!
I met with the TA for the audiology class that I'm behind in. It was SO helpful! I really just needed someone to walk through the labs with me, make sure I'm doing it right, and fill in the gaps where I've forgotten things. She wasn't judgmental, she was patient, and she was good at explaining things. After meeting with her I was able to submit one lab right away, finish a second lab that day or the next, and I've got a third lab I'm working on and feel confident finishing. I don't know how much credit I'll get for them because all three of those are late, but I'll get everything turned in! Much better than last semester.
Family history is still dismal. I'm very behind and haven't made much progress since meeting with the TA for this class (mostly because I've been focusing on audiology). I don't know if I'll get everything turned in by the end of the semester (at least it's a one-credit class). Thankfully I've already done some of the research and just need to format it for the assignments, but some of the new research is really confusing--I either can't find records, or the ones I can find are ambiguous and can't definitively say "this is my guy." It's been a little frustrating throughout the semester.
The second audiology class is going fine. All that's left is the final in a week, so it might be good to start studying for that. Me + studying early = doesn't usually happen, but it's worth a try if I can pull it off.
Speech has been good, I think. I haven't missed any assignments since the beginning of the semester. I didn't do as well on the last midterm as I wanted, so I especially want to do well on the final. This final is unscheduled, but optimally, it would be great if I could study for it early and take it in about a week. It's kinda nice to want to do well at the end of the semester, not just avoid failing (which is where I usually, frantically, end up).
I also signed up for my writing class this summer: I'll be taking "Communication in Organizational Settings." It's from a professor that a couple of my friends have had before, and sounds like it's practical and not as writing-heavy (I love writing, but not deadlines or research). I'd like to meet the professor before the semester starts, get to know each other, and prepare myself for the semester (like getting the syllabus early so I can schedule time for homework). That will also give me a better idea of how much time I'll need to devote to the writing class so I can add shifts at work or other classes that I'd like to take before graduating.
I was feeling really trapped by school earlier this week, but getting help from the TA's (particularly for audiology) has made a positive difference. I've still got work to do before the end of the semester, but I feel less intimidated by it. It's really liberating, and I feel more like I'm choosing to do it, and like I can enjoy it more. Less pressure is better. I'm hoping that this time around, my end-of-the-semester experience is much happier, less stressful, and more successful than it has been before. My husband reminded me of the saying, "Success breeds success," and I can see that having some degree of success in school gives me more confidence, which enables more future successes. Having some success feels really good.
I met with the TA for the audiology class that I'm behind in. It was SO helpful! I really just needed someone to walk through the labs with me, make sure I'm doing it right, and fill in the gaps where I've forgotten things. She wasn't judgmental, she was patient, and she was good at explaining things. After meeting with her I was able to submit one lab right away, finish a second lab that day or the next, and I've got a third lab I'm working on and feel confident finishing. I don't know how much credit I'll get for them because all three of those are late, but I'll get everything turned in! Much better than last semester.
Family history is still dismal. I'm very behind and haven't made much progress since meeting with the TA for this class (mostly because I've been focusing on audiology). I don't know if I'll get everything turned in by the end of the semester (at least it's a one-credit class). Thankfully I've already done some of the research and just need to format it for the assignments, but some of the new research is really confusing--I either can't find records, or the ones I can find are ambiguous and can't definitively say "this is my guy." It's been a little frustrating throughout the semester.
The second audiology class is going fine. All that's left is the final in a week, so it might be good to start studying for that. Me + studying early = doesn't usually happen, but it's worth a try if I can pull it off.
Speech has been good, I think. I haven't missed any assignments since the beginning of the semester. I didn't do as well on the last midterm as I wanted, so I especially want to do well on the final. This final is unscheduled, but optimally, it would be great if I could study for it early and take it in about a week. It's kinda nice to want to do well at the end of the semester, not just avoid failing (which is where I usually, frantically, end up).
I also signed up for my writing class this summer: I'll be taking "Communication in Organizational Settings." It's from a professor that a couple of my friends have had before, and sounds like it's practical and not as writing-heavy (I love writing, but not deadlines or research). I'd like to meet the professor before the semester starts, get to know each other, and prepare myself for the semester (like getting the syllabus early so I can schedule time for homework). That will also give me a better idea of how much time I'll need to devote to the writing class so I can add shifts at work or other classes that I'd like to take before graduating.
I was feeling really trapped by school earlier this week, but getting help from the TA's (particularly for audiology) has made a positive difference. I've still got work to do before the end of the semester, but I feel less intimidated by it. It's really liberating, and I feel more like I'm choosing to do it, and like I can enjoy it more. Less pressure is better. I'm hoping that this time around, my end-of-the-semester experience is much happier, less stressful, and more successful than it has been before. My husband reminded me of the saying, "Success breeds success," and I can see that having some degree of success in school gives me more confidence, which enables more future successes. Having some success feels really good.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Inspiration
This past weekend was a fabulous one. We went up to visit one of my grandmas-in-law on Saturday to watch LDS General Conference with her. It was fun to spend time with family, and it was especially fun because I got to learn a bit about sewing!
I've enjoyed sewing since I was pretty young, but haven't known how to use a machine very well. Sewing by hand takes forever, so that also limited the size of my projects. I also didn't use patterns much and would just make things up.
Grandma really likes quilting, so I learned a basic "stack and slash" quilt that I think she learned back in school. Purple is definitely one of my favorite colors (of the 12 fabrics I used, 4 were purple, about 4 were blue, 3 were yellow or orange, and one was pink). The quilt blocks in the picture aren't ordered in any particular way.
My cousin is having a baby shower later this month, so I bought a pack of onesies and plan to dress them up as my gift. Grandma and one of the aunts helped me put the skirt on this one. I've got a couple ideas for other cute ones; I'm so excited to see what I can do and how they turn out.
The great fun with sewing this weekend reminded me how much I enjoy this brand of creative work and inspired me to think about how I can progress in this area. Quilting is cool, but I like the functionality and versatility of working with clothes (or at least, how I envision working on clothes, considering my limited experience with either). No reason I can't do both, but now I need to figure out how and where I can learn more about sewing.
Listening to the messages during General Conference was really good too. There were a couple talks that I really identified with and appreciated. They touched my heart in a way that gave me peace and hope, and I do hope that it continues. We had my brother and a friend come over for a big, loud dinner last night with lots of Asian food and dirty dishes that got cleaned up at an impressive pace, which was a lot of fun.
The weekend is past and now it's Monday, and the flashes of inspiration have started to dull already. It's back to the grind with school, and I'm still afraid and feel inadequate when I think about all there is to do. I just hope that I can hold onto hope and begin to exercise a little faith that it'll all be ok.
I've enjoyed sewing since I was pretty young, but haven't known how to use a machine very well. Sewing by hand takes forever, so that also limited the size of my projects. I also didn't use patterns much and would just make things up.
Grandma really likes quilting, so I learned a basic "stack and slash" quilt that I think she learned back in school. Purple is definitely one of my favorite colors (of the 12 fabrics I used, 4 were purple, about 4 were blue, 3 were yellow or orange, and one was pink). The quilt blocks in the picture aren't ordered in any particular way.My cousin is having a baby shower later this month, so I bought a pack of onesies and plan to dress them up as my gift. Grandma and one of the aunts helped me put the skirt on this one. I've got a couple ideas for other cute ones; I'm so excited to see what I can do and how they turn out.
The great fun with sewing this weekend reminded me how much I enjoy this brand of creative work and inspired me to think about how I can progress in this area. Quilting is cool, but I like the functionality and versatility of working with clothes (or at least, how I envision working on clothes, considering my limited experience with either). No reason I can't do both, but now I need to figure out how and where I can learn more about sewing.Listening to the messages during General Conference was really good too. There were a couple talks that I really identified with and appreciated. They touched my heart in a way that gave me peace and hope, and I do hope that it continues. We had my brother and a friend come over for a big, loud dinner last night with lots of Asian food and dirty dishes that got cleaned up at an impressive pace, which was a lot of fun.
The weekend is past and now it's Monday, and the flashes of inspiration have started to dull already. It's back to the grind with school, and I'm still afraid and feel inadequate when I think about all there is to do. I just hope that I can hold onto hope and begin to exercise a little faith that it'll all be ok.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Week 14 - So Close!
I'm getting worn out thinking about the semester. School is so time-consuming! If I were spending as much time on schoolwork as I should be, I wouldn't have time for much else. And now that it's nearing the end of the semester, I'm increasingly aware of how much work there is. Combined with the rest of life's obligations, it's really easy to feel overwhelmed.
I've got a lot of labs I need to catch up on for my audiology class. That's frustrating because I'm not sure how to do some of the tasks required for them, the TA isn't available when I need her help, and I felt pretty stupid when I asked the professor about some of these basic things I've forgotten. Hopefully the TA will be able to help me next week...
My other scholastic stressor is my family history class. I got way behind in those assignments, and while I have some of the research already done, some of it wasn't good enough yet, and the volume of work for this class is also intimidating.
Dangit. I made such good progress at the beginning of the semester, and held out longer than usual. At this point in the semester, I'm still doing better than I've done in previous semesters. But every time, every semester, it's never enough! The semester ends in less than 2 weeks, and I'm behind in the work and afraid again! I'm never good enough to finish a semester strong. Every semester feels like another failure.
Looking ahead, I'm asking my peers about suggestions for my writing class that I need to take. I've gotten a lot of feedback, so I started asking for advice with specific classes. I would like to meet with my old English teacher and solicit her advice as well. If I can, I might try to talk to the actual teachers for the spring classes to learn more about their class and teaching style. Unfortunately, the class that's being so highly praised has a waitlist, and I don't know if I'll be able to get into it. So I'm trying to learn more about the various options and hopefully be prepared. This would probably be something really good to pray about.
I've got other responsibilities and things going on in life besides school, and it's hard to keep track of everything sometimes. I'm afraid that I might have to put everything else on hold for the next two weeks while I try to keep my school act together. I'm just glad that I have an amazingly supportive husband and that God sends little tender mercies that make a difference in my week.
I've got a lot of labs I need to catch up on for my audiology class. That's frustrating because I'm not sure how to do some of the tasks required for them, the TA isn't available when I need her help, and I felt pretty stupid when I asked the professor about some of these basic things I've forgotten. Hopefully the TA will be able to help me next week...
My other scholastic stressor is my family history class. I got way behind in those assignments, and while I have some of the research already done, some of it wasn't good enough yet, and the volume of work for this class is also intimidating.
Dangit. I made such good progress at the beginning of the semester, and held out longer than usual. At this point in the semester, I'm still doing better than I've done in previous semesters. But every time, every semester, it's never enough! The semester ends in less than 2 weeks, and I'm behind in the work and afraid again! I'm never good enough to finish a semester strong. Every semester feels like another failure.
Looking ahead, I'm asking my peers about suggestions for my writing class that I need to take. I've gotten a lot of feedback, so I started asking for advice with specific classes. I would like to meet with my old English teacher and solicit her advice as well. If I can, I might try to talk to the actual teachers for the spring classes to learn more about their class and teaching style. Unfortunately, the class that's being so highly praised has a waitlist, and I don't know if I'll be able to get into it. So I'm trying to learn more about the various options and hopefully be prepared. This would probably be something really good to pray about.
I've got other responsibilities and things going on in life besides school, and it's hard to keep track of everything sometimes. I'm afraid that I might have to put everything else on hold for the next two weeks while I try to keep my school act together. I'm just glad that I have an amazingly supportive husband and that God sends little tender mercies that make a difference in my week.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Week 13... and Family
Dropping that writing class has been one of the most liberating feelings ever. Seriously. My daily stress levels have plummeted and I feel so much more capable of succeeding this semester. It's an amazing feeling.
The only two problems with it are these: I still have to take a writing class, and now I have more unscheduled time to manage. To resolve the first problem, I really want to meet with the different teachers and figure out which class option will be the best for me.
I think I'm actually making progress in managing my time. Surprise! I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting better. Part of it is that I was bored and dissatisfied when I wasn't being productive and was just wasting time. Part of it may have also been the reduction in stress after dropping the writing class; when I felt like I could actually do it, the work became a lot less scary and intimidating. Part of it may also be that the internet at our apartment broke this week. Luckily I guess, most of my homework can be done offline while a lot of my distractions can't.
Audiology 1 - Playing catch up because I've gotten behind on several labs.
Audiology 2 - Still going great. Class is often boring unless we have a guest lecturer, but I learn some really cool things and I've been doing fine on the tests.
Family history - I'm way behind. I need to figure out how to fix that.
Speech - I think that this is one of the most humble and student-centered professors in the program. I think I'm keeping up ok in it. I should check that.
We also haven't been doing as many dinners with other people in the last couple weeks, so we're trying to get back in the swing of that. (Really, so rewarding and so much fun)
I just read part of my aunt's journal that she shared online today from 6 years ago when my grandpa's liver was failing. I don't think I realized at the time how severe the situation was because it happened so fast: after being diagnosed, he was put at the top of the organ donor list and the doctors said they could "hold him" for 7-10 days. I feel terrible now because I don't remember being affected by it as profoundly as my aunt was. I hate this feeling - this lack of a deep connection to my extended family. I hate the sense of lost time and lost relationships. My grandpa is pretty healthy now, but my other grandpa died a couple years ago after the combined forces of age, a stroke, and Alzheimer's, and I knew the latter grandpa even more poorly. And now that I finally live in the same state as both my grandparents, I still rarely see them. I hate, hate, hate it. I'm jealous of my cousins who grew up down the street from my grandparents. I'm envious of people whose cousins are some of their best friends. I'm jealous of people who have a fun, easy time at family gatherings and don't wonder to themselves at the relationship they're expected to have with people who are mostly strangers. It's not always that bad, but it's something that's hurt inside of me for years and has only gotten worse. My husband and I decided before we were even married that we wanted to live where we could be close to family for the kids' sake. I guess this is maybe another learning opportunity for me to see how important it is to have close relationships with family. That's one of my goals for becoming a better person, I guess.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Becoming Cultured Through Film
I realized just the other day that watching movies is a good way for me to become more cultured while I'm still in school. Books suck way more of my time and emotions than movies do, and while I'm taking classes, that time and those emotions are needed elsewhere.
Only mildly intentionally, my husband and I have been broadening our horizons through movies. I've already seen most of the movies at least once (even if it was many years ago), but it's a great experience for both of us as we discuss our impressions and things we learn.
We've watched some classics like Casablanca, Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, South Pacific, and a little bit of The King and I. Some Miyazaki movies that we've watched together are Howl's Moving Castle and Laputa: Castle in the Sky, and we want to see more. We've had some really good conversations about Jane Austen movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility; I don't remember if we've seen Pride and Prejudice together. Of course, we've also watched our share of Disney/Pixar movies in the last year, including Brave, Tangled, How to Train Your Dragon, Wall-E, and others.
I really learn a lot when I talk about things with my husband. This applies to everything, but especially to shared experiences like movies that we watch together. My husband is an active consumer of media, and I think that's one of his strengths; he evaluates everything he comes in contact with instead of passively accepting it. He makes everything meaningful, and I love sharing ideas with him. We both come out smarter for it.
I think this is a pattern that we'll follow for years. We have lots more movies that we want to watch together (including other genres like BBC films and Bollywood movies) and learn from. I'm not sure if I want to create a projected list for this because it changes with our priorities and film availability, but it's certainly something that I want to continue.
Only mildly intentionally, my husband and I have been broadening our horizons through movies. I've already seen most of the movies at least once (even if it was many years ago), but it's a great experience for both of us as we discuss our impressions and things we learn.
We've watched some classics like Casablanca, Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, South Pacific, and a little bit of The King and I. Some Miyazaki movies that we've watched together are Howl's Moving Castle and Laputa: Castle in the Sky, and we want to see more. We've had some really good conversations about Jane Austen movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility; I don't remember if we've seen Pride and Prejudice together. Of course, we've also watched our share of Disney/Pixar movies in the last year, including Brave, Tangled, How to Train Your Dragon, Wall-E, and others.
I really learn a lot when I talk about things with my husband. This applies to everything, but especially to shared experiences like movies that we watch together. My husband is an active consumer of media, and I think that's one of his strengths; he evaluates everything he comes in contact with instead of passively accepting it. He makes everything meaningful, and I love sharing ideas with him. We both come out smarter for it.
I think this is a pattern that we'll follow for years. We have lots more movies that we want to watch together (including other genres like BBC films and Bollywood movies) and learn from. I'm not sure if I want to create a projected list for this because it changes with our priorities and film availability, but it's certainly something that I want to continue.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Week 11 1/2
Well, it's been an interesting and rather stressful week.
I withdrew from my writing class and will fulfill that requirement during spring term when I can be more prepared. That means my graduation is pushed back to June instead of April. Because June graduates fall between the April and August ceremonies, they can pick which they attend, so I can still do all the graduation celebrations with my husband next month. It's not desirable, but I feel good moving forward with this plan. I feel much better getting out of that class than I felt getting into it; I chose this semester's writing class because I was scared and rushed, and I didn't do much research about it; I didn't know what I was getting into. So hopefully next term will be a better experience and I'll learn more from the class.
I also had a stressful conversation with one of my professors that left me crying in the bathroom for about 20-40 minutes afterwards. We've since clarified things over email, but that wasn't fun. I knew that he was probably offended at me over something, and I wanted to compromise, and he wasn't interested in compromise at first. I wasn't planning on doing this, but at the end of our conversation I disclosed to a professor, for the first time, some of my frustrations with our program. He encouraged me to not give up yet. Not quite the same as my experience with the guest lecturer, where she encouraged me to continue beyond my undergraduate degree, but this professor encouraged me to finish up my degree and not drop out. I didn't think I had conveyed that I was considering dropping out, but I've definitely considered it in the past. Yes, school is still hard, but I'm so close to finishing that I've got to tough it out. I guess I cried because I was tired of failing, tired of disappointing people, and tired of being bored in classes for years. Maybe a few others things as well, but those stand out in my memory.
Now, after withdrawing from my writing class, I've got a bit more time to devote to my other classes. I want to use the extra time to meet with the TA's for my audiology and family history classes and get caught up, making sure that I understand the material and complete the homework. I also want to do some research to find a writing class for spring that will fit me well and that I'll be prepared for. That's where I need to spend most of my time for the rest of the semester. I just hope things go well.
I withdrew from my writing class and will fulfill that requirement during spring term when I can be more prepared. That means my graduation is pushed back to June instead of April. Because June graduates fall between the April and August ceremonies, they can pick which they attend, so I can still do all the graduation celebrations with my husband next month. It's not desirable, but I feel good moving forward with this plan. I feel much better getting out of that class than I felt getting into it; I chose this semester's writing class because I was scared and rushed, and I didn't do much research about it; I didn't know what I was getting into. So hopefully next term will be a better experience and I'll learn more from the class.
I also had a stressful conversation with one of my professors that left me crying in the bathroom for about 20-40 minutes afterwards. We've since clarified things over email, but that wasn't fun. I knew that he was probably offended at me over something, and I wanted to compromise, and he wasn't interested in compromise at first. I wasn't planning on doing this, but at the end of our conversation I disclosed to a professor, for the first time, some of my frustrations with our program. He encouraged me to not give up yet. Not quite the same as my experience with the guest lecturer, where she encouraged me to continue beyond my undergraduate degree, but this professor encouraged me to finish up my degree and not drop out. I didn't think I had conveyed that I was considering dropping out, but I've definitely considered it in the past. Yes, school is still hard, but I'm so close to finishing that I've got to tough it out. I guess I cried because I was tired of failing, tired of disappointing people, and tired of being bored in classes for years. Maybe a few others things as well, but those stand out in my memory.
Now, after withdrawing from my writing class, I've got a bit more time to devote to my other classes. I want to use the extra time to meet with the TA's for my audiology and family history classes and get caught up, making sure that I understand the material and complete the homework. I also want to do some research to find a writing class for spring that will fit me well and that I'll be prepared for. That's where I need to spend most of my time for the rest of the semester. I just hope things go well.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Weeks 9-10
I so want to be done with school. Like, this week. Or better, yesterday.
It feels like my motivation for school is disappearing like the definite, vanishing swirl of water down a drain, and there's no way to call it back. Time is moving faster than I can keep up with, then it's gone.
My biggest academic worry is my writing class. We're in the middle of a research project, theoretically with a rough draft done, and I have hardly anything done and little direction to take any writing. I'm simultaneously terrified, apathetic, and resentful: I can't conjure any excitement for any topic which has sufficient research to draw on, and I don't like it. I wish I could ignore it and make it go away like past homework assignments, but it's too big for that to work. My teacher probably hates me now for missing the last couple classes (I knew we would be editing each other's papers and I don't have one) and for dragging my feet. I don't know what to do about it because on top of all the pre-writing and writing steps, we're also doing oral presentations on our work... And that can be a lot harder to make up out of nothing. I forced myself to get some get writing done yesterday, but I don't know where or how to move on from there.
I'm also ticked at the teacher for one of my audiology classes. He was more gracious in his condemnation this time (last time he was annoyed at a student, he called them out by name in front of the whole class to shame them), but he criticized me (not by name, or by physically pointed fingers, and perhaps not exclusively) at the end of class for my immorality in browsing the internet during lecture and said to not come to class if I'm bored. Fact is, I am bored in class and have fallen asleep almost every time I don't have my computer to keep me awake, and what I can get out of class, distracted and awake, is more than what I would get if I were to fall asleep or stay at home. I've tried taking notes, but when he says the same thing four different times, I only need to write it once, and it's not enough to keep my brain or fingers busy, so I fall asleep. I also don't have the option of graduating without his class. I think my position is defensible, but it demonstrates to me that he doesn't care about all his students and only wants the conveniently good ones to succeed. So I got angry after class today.
I'm not doing so well in my family history class either. We meet once a week on Mondays, and homework for the week is due by midnight that evening. I forget about the homework assignments really easily, so I've gotten pretty behind. I should be able to catch up, but I'm not sure how. Maybe I could meet with my teacher during office hours to get some research guidance and formatting help, but then I might be wasting her time. I like this professor, but that's perhaps a problem with many of my professors generally: their office time or research time is too precious to be wasted on someone like me. Someone who is a lazy bum and doesn't know how to try hard enough and will never amount to anything significant in their gaze.
My other audiology class is going well enough. 3 tests down with a 94% overall, and 2 tests left. If only all my classes were like that. My speech class is also surviving, though less handily. We have a midterm this week. The hardest part outside of tests is remembering deadlines; we pretty much finish the homework in class, so I need to make sure I wrap it up and submit it the same evening, before I forget how to complete it.
I guess that's most of my life right now. Work is going well, and my worries about a post-graduation job are eclipsed by my worries about passing those 3 classes. These worries have been paralyzing, and I often sit around doing nothing because 1) the things I know I ought to do are too scary and 2) I shouldn't do things that aren't my homework right now... I probably read 6 books in the last two weeks, and they were fun reads, but, obviously, not my homework. At least they weren't email, facebook, pinterest, blogger, youtube, etc.
On the upside, we've been able to spend some time with family and friends lately. I don't know what I'd do without those social bonding opportunities (oh wait, it might be like last semester...); I feel like I can still be a useful, helpful, real, full and meaningful person when I can interact with other people. Also, I won something! That's a pretty rare thing. It's a couple free tickets to a fancy 3-course dinner with live jazz music and dancing. Free dinner is always cool, but free, fancy, dinner with awesome music--that's something to look forward to. Time to play dress-up.
It feels like my motivation for school is disappearing like the definite, vanishing swirl of water down a drain, and there's no way to call it back. Time is moving faster than I can keep up with, then it's gone.
My biggest academic worry is my writing class. We're in the middle of a research project, theoretically with a rough draft done, and I have hardly anything done and little direction to take any writing. I'm simultaneously terrified, apathetic, and resentful: I can't conjure any excitement for any topic which has sufficient research to draw on, and I don't like it. I wish I could ignore it and make it go away like past homework assignments, but it's too big for that to work. My teacher probably hates me now for missing the last couple classes (I knew we would be editing each other's papers and I don't have one) and for dragging my feet. I don't know what to do about it because on top of all the pre-writing and writing steps, we're also doing oral presentations on our work... And that can be a lot harder to make up out of nothing. I forced myself to get some get writing done yesterday, but I don't know where or how to move on from there.
I'm also ticked at the teacher for one of my audiology classes. He was more gracious in his condemnation this time (last time he was annoyed at a student, he called them out by name in front of the whole class to shame them), but he criticized me (not by name, or by physically pointed fingers, and perhaps not exclusively) at the end of class for my immorality in browsing the internet during lecture and said to not come to class if I'm bored. Fact is, I am bored in class and have fallen asleep almost every time I don't have my computer to keep me awake, and what I can get out of class, distracted and awake, is more than what I would get if I were to fall asleep or stay at home. I've tried taking notes, but when he says the same thing four different times, I only need to write it once, and it's not enough to keep my brain or fingers busy, so I fall asleep. I also don't have the option of graduating without his class. I think my position is defensible, but it demonstrates to me that he doesn't care about all his students and only wants the conveniently good ones to succeed. So I got angry after class today.
I'm not doing so well in my family history class either. We meet once a week on Mondays, and homework for the week is due by midnight that evening. I forget about the homework assignments really easily, so I've gotten pretty behind. I should be able to catch up, but I'm not sure how. Maybe I could meet with my teacher during office hours to get some research guidance and formatting help, but then I might be wasting her time. I like this professor, but that's perhaps a problem with many of my professors generally: their office time or research time is too precious to be wasted on someone like me. Someone who is a lazy bum and doesn't know how to try hard enough and will never amount to anything significant in their gaze.
My other audiology class is going well enough. 3 tests down with a 94% overall, and 2 tests left. If only all my classes were like that. My speech class is also surviving, though less handily. We have a midterm this week. The hardest part outside of tests is remembering deadlines; we pretty much finish the homework in class, so I need to make sure I wrap it up and submit it the same evening, before I forget how to complete it.
I guess that's most of my life right now. Work is going well, and my worries about a post-graduation job are eclipsed by my worries about passing those 3 classes. These worries have been paralyzing, and I often sit around doing nothing because 1) the things I know I ought to do are too scary and 2) I shouldn't do things that aren't my homework right now... I probably read 6 books in the last two weeks, and they were fun reads, but, obviously, not my homework. At least they weren't email, facebook, pinterest, blogger, youtube, etc.
On the upside, we've been able to spend some time with family and friends lately. I don't know what I'd do without those social bonding opportunities (oh wait, it might be like last semester...); I feel like I can still be a useful, helpful, real, full and meaningful person when I can interact with other people. Also, I won something! That's a pretty rare thing. It's a couple free tickets to a fancy 3-course dinner with live jazz music and dancing. Free dinner is always cool, but free, fancy, dinner with awesome music--that's something to look forward to. Time to play dress-up.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Another Good Song
I think I've linked up to other Youtube videos on this blog (maybe, maybe not), and here's another one that's really meaningful to me right now.
Jason Gray - Remind Me Who I Am
I've heard it several times on the radio before and enjoyed it (the chorus is great for singing along to), but when I heard it in the last couple weeks, I had to think about the words I was singing along with. How could you listen to this song while having self-esteem issues and not feel pricked by its message? Especially while watching the accompanying video. This song is a good help in the healing process and realizing how God thinks of me even when I make mistakes.
Why I Feel Like a Superhero
This blog post fits my other blog better, so I'm just linking up to it. Yesterday I felt useful, needed, part of a team, and like God can still use me as I am, and this is that story. God loves my friend, and He loves me too.
Making Happy blog: Why I Feel Like a Superhero Tonight
Making Happy blog: Why I Feel Like a Superhero Tonight
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Book Review: Book of a Thousand Days
This was my second time reading this book by Shannon Hale. I don't remember how old I was when I first read it, but after this go-through, I've decided that I would love to have it in my library for my children to read in the future.
**SORT OF SPOILERS AHEAD**
How I explained the plot to my husband (more or less):
This is a story, in journal form, of a lady's maid, and because the princess/lady refused to marry the man her father wanted her to, both princess and maid are to be locked up in a tower for seven years. The maid keeps a journal of their time together. The princess doesn't really know how to do anything but sit around. Eventually they escape the tower and go to the princess's-secret-fiance's city and become employed as kitchen scrubbers. The princess is afraid of practically everyone, so she orders the maid to pretend to be the princess when the maid reveals their existence. Though punishment with death is almost certain, the maid does her duty and finally reveals herself to the prince as the princess. When the bad guy (the man that the king wanted the princess to marry) is threatening outside the city gates, the maid takes it upon herself to rescue everybody by exposing the bad guy as an evil skinwalker/werewolf. The "rescue" goes well, but when the princess commands her to marry the prince while pretending to be her, the maid cannot do it and when she tries to escape the city, she is discovered as an impostor and her fate is decided by a council. There is a happy ending.
Now I'll just ramble about why I really like this book.
One fault that I see in many contemporary books and movies is that the plot moves too quickly to be a realistic chronology. The last time I read Jane Austen, the chronology was more realistic, but also quite boring. I think this book achieves a healthy balance by acknowledging the passage of time (the girls spend almost 3 years in the tower) without overloading on the details of every day in that period. Thus, the characters have time to grow and make meaningful changes, and not every day has to be filled with momentous, fast-paced, life-changing events.
Another common fault of popular media is that many things are hypersexualized, which isn't realistic or healthy, and that's important when the target audience is rather young. This book isn't, that I noticed. The maid has large birthmarks that cover almost half her face and one of her hands, but she hardly ever talks about it. She's a girl, but she doesn't think just of love and beauty, and that's refreshing in a novel; the character is brave and feels real. I would probably let a ten year-old read this book without worrying that it would lead her to an unhealthy focus on her own appearance. Most of the characters aren't as well-rounded as the narrator, but the prince's role in the story functions as more than a masculine Prince-Charming placeholder. It's also to the authors credit that where nudity is mentioned twice, there are no visual details; that makes me comfortable in letting my brothers or future sons read the book.
Going with the two previous ideas, I really like how the characters aren't static stereotypes. They change! The most dramatic example for me is the princess. For most of the book, she's a wilted, selfish, weepy mess that doesn't really do anything. She's afraid and feels worthless, and doesn't really become friends with the maid for a long while. She tells the maid that as the third child in her royal family, her only purpose in life is to be married off. Her father locked her up in a tower, and everyone she thought cared about her has abandoned her. She's been told that she's pretty and dumb, and admits to attempting suicide. The major changes in her begin when she's given a cat to love who loves her back and when she learns a skill. By the end of the book, she's still shy, but when given the option to have maids and free time again, she prefers to continue her work in the kitchen where she feels artful and useful.
I also appreciate how there isn't much magic in this book. I say this mostly because I immersed myself in books about magic when I was younger, and while I still enjoy them, I just think that it's more empowering to readers when the characters find strength in themselves to overcome their trials. The story takes place in a fictional ancient Mongolia.
This book also deals with class issues. The local culture within the book is that the gentry are the offspring of the gods and the commoners were formed from mud to serve the gentry. The maid goes through (over time!) lots of personal growth where she learns that gentry are real people, in both positive and negative senses, and that all life can be noble and fallible. Even wicked people can be pitied for how they threw their lives away.
I think that covers most of what I liked in this book. Even as a twenty-something year-old, I feel like this book was worth my time (and more. it was a quick read) for both the entertainment and the lessons learned. I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants a fairly light, entertaining, and uplifting story.
How I explained the plot to my husband (more or less):
This is a story, in journal form, of a lady's maid, and because the princess/lady refused to marry the man her father wanted her to, both princess and maid are to be locked up in a tower for seven years. The maid keeps a journal of their time together. The princess doesn't really know how to do anything but sit around. Eventually they escape the tower and go to the princess's-secret-fiance's city and become employed as kitchen scrubbers. The princess is afraid of practically everyone, so she orders the maid to pretend to be the princess when the maid reveals their existence. Though punishment with death is almost certain, the maid does her duty and finally reveals herself to the prince as the princess. When the bad guy (the man that the king wanted the princess to marry) is threatening outside the city gates, the maid takes it upon herself to rescue everybody by exposing the bad guy as an evil skinwalker/werewolf. The "rescue" goes well, but when the princess commands her to marry the prince while pretending to be her, the maid cannot do it and when she tries to escape the city, she is discovered as an impostor and her fate is decided by a council. There is a happy ending.
Now I'll just ramble about why I really like this book.
One fault that I see in many contemporary books and movies is that the plot moves too quickly to be a realistic chronology. The last time I read Jane Austen, the chronology was more realistic, but also quite boring. I think this book achieves a healthy balance by acknowledging the passage of time (the girls spend almost 3 years in the tower) without overloading on the details of every day in that period. Thus, the characters have time to grow and make meaningful changes, and not every day has to be filled with momentous, fast-paced, life-changing events.
Another common fault of popular media is that many things are hypersexualized, which isn't realistic or healthy, and that's important when the target audience is rather young. This book isn't, that I noticed. The maid has large birthmarks that cover almost half her face and one of her hands, but she hardly ever talks about it. She's a girl, but she doesn't think just of love and beauty, and that's refreshing in a novel; the character is brave and feels real. I would probably let a ten year-old read this book without worrying that it would lead her to an unhealthy focus on her own appearance. Most of the characters aren't as well-rounded as the narrator, but the prince's role in the story functions as more than a masculine Prince-Charming placeholder. It's also to the authors credit that where nudity is mentioned twice, there are no visual details; that makes me comfortable in letting my brothers or future sons read the book.
Going with the two previous ideas, I really like how the characters aren't static stereotypes. They change! The most dramatic example for me is the princess. For most of the book, she's a wilted, selfish, weepy mess that doesn't really do anything. She's afraid and feels worthless, and doesn't really become friends with the maid for a long while. She tells the maid that as the third child in her royal family, her only purpose in life is to be married off. Her father locked her up in a tower, and everyone she thought cared about her has abandoned her. She's been told that she's pretty and dumb, and admits to attempting suicide. The major changes in her begin when she's given a cat to love who loves her back and when she learns a skill. By the end of the book, she's still shy, but when given the option to have maids and free time again, she prefers to continue her work in the kitchen where she feels artful and useful.
I also appreciate how there isn't much magic in this book. I say this mostly because I immersed myself in books about magic when I was younger, and while I still enjoy them, I just think that it's more empowering to readers when the characters find strength in themselves to overcome their trials. The story takes place in a fictional ancient Mongolia.
This book also deals with class issues. The local culture within the book is that the gentry are the offspring of the gods and the commoners were formed from mud to serve the gentry. The maid goes through (over time!) lots of personal growth where she learns that gentry are real people, in both positive and negative senses, and that all life can be noble and fallible. Even wicked people can be pitied for how they threw their lives away.
I think that covers most of what I liked in this book. Even as a twenty-something year-old, I feel like this book was worth my time (and more. it was a quick read) for both the entertainment and the lessons learned. I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants a fairly light, entertaining, and uplifting story.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Bad Morning and Week 8
Some days you just want to hate life. This morning was one of those times. I was frustrated because I was doing everything I could for my lab assessment, but the program was being quirky and I knew that my professor would take points off no matter how hard I tried. I panicked a little because I realized that not only did I have an exam today, I also have to meet with my English teacher for a paper conference, and I am most likely unprepared. I was panicked and frustrated because I was running out of time to both study and shower before my test, and I felt gross and angry on the inside and outside. I also got annoyed because as always, no one cares about paying education, English, history, psychology, etc majors for doing well the work they love like they are begging to pay computer and math geeks to do what they love; so unfair. I was frustrated because my professor who would be grading me on said exam seems like a heartless professional much of the time, and I remembered that none of my professors care about me. I also got up at 4:45am to work on the lab assessment before the written exam at 8am, and have only had a banana, a caramel candy, and water to eat/drink thus far today. I'm feeling personally inadequate and overly critical. I couldn't decide if I wanted to hide under a rock for the day or be an offended, angry grouch for the rest of ever and just sugar binge, so here I am, post-exam and pre-conference, still tired and hungry and grouchy, blogging about how hard life is sometimes.
I just caught up reading through my facebook newsfeed and feel surprisingly less angsty. Maybe I just needed to be distracted by other people's lives? The problems are still there, but they don't feel so angry and ominous now. I better keep myself distracted.
So, my husband pointed out that we're over halfway through the semester now and have just 6 weeks of classes left. Crazy!
Audiology 1 - Just had the first midterm today. I've been skipping this class quite a bit lately because 1) I've been sick a couple times, 2) it's my first class in the morning, and 3) I'm retaking this class and have already learned a lot of the stuff he's teaching. I do need to be better though. I felt surprisingly ok with the written part of today's exam (I already shared the lab portion's frustration: grades are already up for that and I got a 70%). I haven't done so hot on the last couple labs, so I probably need to start visiting the TA's like last semester, and start the labs more than 12 hours before they're due. It's still better than last semester, I guess, when I hardly turned anything in. Progress?
Audiology 2 - Class has been pretty easy since this one is just lecture and exams. We've had a couple guest lecturers lately that have really intrigued me, so that's been cool. I emailed the most recent one, actually, and have gotten 3 emails from her already and 3 additional people to contact! Who knows, I might be able to get a career out of this class.
Family history - I was kinda behind in researching, then I spent 6 hours in one day this week going through films of original and compiled records... And I still can't find any sources acknowledging or identifying the date or cause of death for my great-great grandpa! I probably need to be focusing on researching other records for class assignments, but that one still boggles me.
Speech - So far, mostly good... I think. I feel like I'm missing an assignment somewhere. But fortunately, I've stayed caught up with and gotten good grades on everything else. I've got a reading quiz coming up that I need to remember to do when I have the book.
English - I'm more or less keeping up... This class doesn't collect the homework very frequently, so it's hard to see my overall progress. We started our research unit a couple weeks ago, and I'm meeting with my teacher in a couple hours to go over what I've got so far. Hopefully I can produce something to show her by then. Both my friend and I have had a hard time finding any compelling research topics in our field, so hopefully it'll turn out ok.
So there's my academic life for now. It feels pretty dismal sometimes (usually right before a procrastinated deadline), but it'll be over with soon and I'll at least have a degree in something. I still don't know if having a degree will do me any good, but I can hope that it's better than nothing. Ugh. Time for another distraction.
I just caught up reading through my facebook newsfeed and feel surprisingly less angsty. Maybe I just needed to be distracted by other people's lives? The problems are still there, but they don't feel so angry and ominous now. I better keep myself distracted.
So, my husband pointed out that we're over halfway through the semester now and have just 6 weeks of classes left. Crazy!
Audiology 1 - Just had the first midterm today. I've been skipping this class quite a bit lately because 1) I've been sick a couple times, 2) it's my first class in the morning, and 3) I'm retaking this class and have already learned a lot of the stuff he's teaching. I do need to be better though. I felt surprisingly ok with the written part of today's exam (I already shared the lab portion's frustration: grades are already up for that and I got a 70%). I haven't done so hot on the last couple labs, so I probably need to start visiting the TA's like last semester, and start the labs more than 12 hours before they're due. It's still better than last semester, I guess, when I hardly turned anything in. Progress?
Audiology 2 - Class has been pretty easy since this one is just lecture and exams. We've had a couple guest lecturers lately that have really intrigued me, so that's been cool. I emailed the most recent one, actually, and have gotten 3 emails from her already and 3 additional people to contact! Who knows, I might be able to get a career out of this class.
Family history - I was kinda behind in researching, then I spent 6 hours in one day this week going through films of original and compiled records... And I still can't find any sources acknowledging or identifying the date or cause of death for my great-great grandpa! I probably need to be focusing on researching other records for class assignments, but that one still boggles me.
Speech - So far, mostly good... I think. I feel like I'm missing an assignment somewhere. But fortunately, I've stayed caught up with and gotten good grades on everything else. I've got a reading quiz coming up that I need to remember to do when I have the book.
English - I'm more or less keeping up... This class doesn't collect the homework very frequently, so it's hard to see my overall progress. We started our research unit a couple weeks ago, and I'm meeting with my teacher in a couple hours to go over what I've got so far. Hopefully I can produce something to show her by then. Both my friend and I have had a hard time finding any compelling research topics in our field, so hopefully it'll turn out ok.
So there's my academic life for now. It feels pretty dismal sometimes (usually right before a procrastinated deadline), but it'll be over with soon and I'll at least have a degree in something. I still don't know if having a degree will do me any good, but I can hope that it's better than nothing. Ugh. Time for another distraction.
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